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Original poster

Letter box

27 replies

Emmap157 · 20/09/2018 10:28

Hi I’ve 2 sons who where adopted at age 6 and 2 (together) as I was in a bad place in a domestic violence relationship
My sons didn’t want to leave me
Since then I have been allowed to receive and send one letter a year
But the ap have now stopped replying to my letter for the 3rd year now
I miss my boys so much and I know my 6 year old will be back as soon as he’s old enough he will find me on Facebook
I’m no longer in a bad relationship and I now work in a woman’s refuge helping people in the same situation I was in
I want to know is there anything I can do to make the ap write to me ? Or is there anyway I can fight to see my sons ?
Thanks

OP posts:
darkriver198868 · 20/09/2018 11:02

Hi OP,
Have you tried contacting the letter box centre to find out if they know a reason as to why the APs have stopped writing. Its my understanding that there is literally no why of enforcing the contact as the ball is in the APs court.
(I am a birth parent)

Cassie9 · 20/09/2018 16:47

As an adoptive parent I was asked to sign a 'contact agreement'. It basically said I would stick to the contact that was agreed but I'm not sure if it's legally binding. Don't know if all APs sign them.

Twittwootoo · 20/09/2018 20:00

No you can’t fight to see your sons, you lost all parental rights. You speak incredibly disrespectfully about the adoptive parents. Were your letters appropriate? Or were you writing similar to your op? If you have been writing and telling them you know they miss you etc then that will be why you get no response.

Letterbox, as far as I know, cannot be legally enforced. Your first port of call is your letterbox team.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 20/09/2018 21:52

Twitt May I suggest you soften the tone of your posts whilst on this board? This post and another recent one on a different thread are coming over to me as pretty aggressive. This board tries really hard to be supportive of all parts of the adoption triangle. Replies worded like your will make birth parents reluctant to post, and they need support as much, if not more, than adoptive parents.

OP I second the suggestion to contact the letterbox coordinator and ask if they can find out what is going on.
It could be that they / the children are struggling and can't find positive things to say and the APs feel bitter about the previous experiences of the children
Or it could also be that they feel your letters are inappropriate so they aren't sharing them and thus are also not replying.
Or they have moved and not told SS where they are.
The LB coordinator at least should be able to tell you something and you will know a bit more where you are.

Thebluedog · 20/09/2018 21:56

The letterbox team are your first port of call for this sort of thing.

donquixotedelamancha · 20/09/2018 23:01

Everybody should listen to sanders.

@OP. Please do try your letterbox team and do post again if you need to. Please keep sending the letters to your children's parents- even though it's hard not to get a reply. Remember you are doing it for your children.

IAmMumWho · 26/09/2018 09:38

@Twittwootoo

We signed and have started our first letter.

@Emmap157

Can you not contact the letter box department and see if they can ask why APs haven't been sending you letters. I wouldn't dream of taking this away from our ACs. What would they think of me if I stopped contact letters. I feel for you. Hope this gets resolved.

IAmMumWho · 26/09/2018 09:39

@Twittwootoo
Sorry was meant to tag @Cassie9

flapjackfairy · 26/09/2018 09:58

Yes if you are saying inappropriate things then ap will not engage. So be careful what you send and don't imply that the children are only on loan to the adoptor because at the end of the day they are now ( and always will be ) the legal parents.
But I hope you manage to resolve the issue.

EightWellies · 26/09/2018 19:03

Agree with the potential reasons already given. The other possibility is that as the children get older, they might not feel comfortable being written about. The Letterbox Coordinator will hopefully be able to make things clearer. It must be hard not to know.

Original poster
Emmap157 · 26/09/2018 19:11

Excuse me !!!
I am not allowed to write that I miss them I am only allowed to right within the letter box guidelines!
You don’t know me you don’t know my story so don’t tell me that I speak disrespectfully about them
They signed a agreement to write once a year

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmap157 · 26/09/2018 19:14

I’ve spoken to the letter box people who have now wrote 3 reminder letters but they ap have not responded
I don’t know how I tag people on here
Sorry I’m new to this

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmap157 · 26/09/2018 19:17

I believe they have stopped writing as they don’t want my boys being reminded of me because they want them to leave me in the past
But I know without a doubt that they will come home to me as soon as they can
Un breakable bond

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmap157 · 26/09/2018 19:18

They have broke the agreement and the letter box have said that unfortunately it wasn’t legal binding

OP posts:
Original poster
Emmap157 · 26/09/2018 19:19

That is exactly what the letter box said to me that I should carry on writing every year even though I don’t get a reply

OP posts:
sparklyandgorgeousme · 26/09/2018 20:22

Emma p (not an adoptee or adoptee ) .

Your children will have an unbreakable
Bond with you and their will be a good chance they will look for you in the future for what ever reasons. You sound resentful towards the adoptees at
Present and I can understand why to a
Point as you're are not getting your letters
Returned

But they may have made this decision thinking this was in
The best interest of their children as traumatised children can present behaviours in different ways, and they
Possible feel this may further upset them .

I would keep writing but also
At some point deal with your feelings for the adopters as when you meet your children in years to come they will pick up on your feelings and resent them as they will be the parents who have loved them cared for them and kept them safe.

0rlaith · 26/09/2018 20:26

I’m sorry, I understand that you must miss your children very much. And you must be angry at wat you believe is an unfair situation.

But for your children’s sake you need to understand that they have a new family now. It is very unlikely that they will come and live with you ever again.

If you pin all your hopes on this then you will not be able to come to terms with your current situation and do what’s best for your children. You will be stuck hoping for a future that’s unlikely ever to happen.

Please do not contact them on Facebook . If they contact you , please get in touch with your social worker and ask for her/ his advice.

Remember that you are not any legal relative now, however you feel. I’m sorry to say this as I know it must be very painful. But that’s the legal situation.

You could get in serious trouble arranging to meet up with a child who is under 18. Even if they are older , you both need proper supports put in place. If you work in a refuge you will know this kind of things can cause terrible trauma .

Can I ask you about the women you work with in the refuge - I bet all their ex’s want to get in contact with them , don’t they? Because they think they have a right to see their ex. They want to apologise and explain and tell her to come home, where she really belongs. To put their side of the story and explain that it was all a big mistake.

Some of them are married so they are even a legal relative . Or they have kids that they are father to. They have rights, don’t they?

Does your agency help these men to get in touch ? If not, why not?

Now think about yourself .

Your children have said that they want to leave things in the past . You need to respect this and let them move on with their lives.

Italiangreyhound · 26/09/2018 22:13

Emmap157 this must be very hard.

Please do keep writing even if you do not get a reply. I expect you do, but keep a copy of all the letters you send.

All best wishes.

Offredalba · 26/09/2018 23:51

Emmap I think that it is very likely that your boys will want to know you in the future. I am in reunion with the child that I lost to adoption when I was a young woman. There was no letterbox in those days. There is no way for you to control the narrative that your boys will receive about you and your family, whether or not you write. As you have said, you are very limited in giving a true picture of your feelings in the letters. Adults who were adopted and then reunited often find it difficult to balance tensions between their adoptive and original families, so the loving thing for us to do is to try to remain positive, even when others are trying to shut us out.
I know that it can be really difficult. Can I suggest that you not only keep copies of the letters that you send via letterbox, but that you also write and keep letters that you wish that you could send. I heard of a mother who did that and I wish that I had thought of it. It would allow your sons to see an authentic picture of how you feel over the years. In my experience, adopted adults want to know that.
I wish you all the best. You clearly love and miss your children very much.

Italiangreyhound · 27/09/2018 00:00

Offredalba that sounds like a very good idea.

OurMiracle1106 · 28/09/2018 12:59

Seconding what offredalba has said.

As a birth Mum I keep all of what I send my son and everything that I receive too in a folder. Along with birthday and xmas cards which I’m not allowed to send which i also date.

I also write things. Have kept the contact agreement and all emails between myself and social services so my son can see I tried to maintain contact if it was to break down etc.

I also have a nice box that holds things of my sons within it and handprints drawings etc what are sent.

I also have my sons first teddy as he no longer played or slept with it so foster carer handed it back and some clothes he had outgrown. I have kept them too so I can share these with him if/when the time comes.

sassygromit · 29/09/2018 11:48

I agree with sanders and offredalba and also with the posters who say keep writing. It is impossible for any of us to know what will happen in the future, but if you continue to write it will mean that the children know how you are, what you are like, what your life is like, and that is so important. I think the idea of writing and keeping letters which you would send if you could is great too. I would worry in your shoes about lack of contact from APs, whether it is their prerogative or not, and I would put pressure on the person you deal with re letterbox to find out if you have inadvertently said the wrong thing and to find out why the AP are not writing.

sassygromit · 29/09/2018 20:20

I also meant to say that it is possible that it is a misunderstanding, they are not writing because they think they are not getting letters from you, this came up on a recent thread, the letters from the bio father had been on file and not sent to the adopter. It is worth ruling that out.

mumoffour0474 · 11/10/2018 10:00

hi ive got 2 children adopted together I get a letter once a yr in march last year it was late in july so been waiting this year and kept ringing rang yesterday and asked if I could write to them coz I wait till I get their letter but they said I cant write coz the deadline was july what can I do is there anyone I can talk to about it x

OurMiracle1106 · 11/10/2018 20:29

mumoffour0474

Just to clarify was it July 2017 that you received your last letter? Did you write back at that time? What does your contact ageeement say.

When mine has been late the next one has been due as per the contact agreement so if it states March each year it should be due in March even if that last one was late.