Heartbreaking, what would you do ?

[Sallymadams]

www.thesun.co.uk/news/7174446/mum-secret-courts-children-parents-record-numbers/ In contact with the Grandmum... I recognise the behaviours in the lead up to adoption. The tragic consequences of an adoption can never be understood by adopters of birthparents when innocent of any wrong doing. Knowing they will never see their child grow up, if at all.

I cannot understand why Adopting parents cannot find it in their heart to make an arrangement with the parents.

unfortunately its not encouraged. :(
I am a birth parent who is grieving for the loss of my children. No one really talks about the effect it has on birth parents and people automatically assume that all birth parents deserve to lose there children.

I was failed hugely by the system. If I had had the appropriate support before things got to bad then I wouldn't be crying every time I think of my children.

But did you actually read the story? Have you any idea how difficult it is to fracture a baby's ribs? They're actually really durable they are designed to survive new parents! So she had 3 fractures that can't be explained and the dad changes his story and admits injuring her to 'get the baby back'
I'm sorry but I can see how a judge didn't send the child home. It's not really clear cut is it, there have been too many cases of children remaining in families where there was doubt and sadly being really badly hurt or killed.

I did find it in my heart and offered a face to face contact once a year. Last year which was first one they were late and left early and this year didn't turn up at all !
Hard decisions have to be made sadly and no doubt there are mistakes made as the system is at the mercy of human beings. Those mistakes go both ways with and in my experience as a foster carer and adoptor I find that too many children are left in dangerous and damaging situations for far too long to give families a chance to sort the issues. Often loads of support is put in place but sadly it is often all to no avail as in my son's case.
No easy answers to this v complex issue I am afraid.

We were advised that direct contact would not be beneficial for our children. In the early days we batted back and forth quite a bit with the social workers to really understand why they thought this so we could feel happy with the decision. Had the social workers said direct was best we would have done it.

You’re joking right? Posting a story from a shitty tabloid that spouts rubbish and using it to bash adoptive parents?! Most birth parents lose their children for bloody good reason, that’s why contact is not encouraged. It is as simple as that. And how the birth parents feel was spoken about over and over again during our meetings and courses. It certainly was not bottom of the pile the way some claim.

I am currently doing the courses, and confirm that we do discuss birth parents, and their feelings, and future contact, and later life etc, at some length.

We also commit to undertake letterbox contact annually. Direct contact will depend on the specific circumstances surrounding the child.

Professionally I know first hand how high the threshold is for children to be removed from birth parents- social services will explore every option before adoption. IMO every child who has been adopted has been so for a good reason.

Personally, as a mum (through adoption)- I could not even contemplate encouraging my children to see/have contact with/develop a relationship with the people who harmed them, neglected them, hurt them and abused them. There is a whole host of reasons why their birth parents cannot parent them, which our children will be fully aware of as they grow up. It would be incredibly confusing for a child to have parents who love them, then take them back to see the people who hurt them.

I do think though especially with some local authorities (mine being one) that all birth parents are treated the same and “our policy doesn’t allow x y or z” is not good enough or in child’s interests.

Surely every situation should be unique? Not a case of “we don’t as a local authority allow this or that” I get ALOT of birth parents DONT make the changes needed BUT why should those of us who are trying so damn hard to better ourselves be punished too- it almost makes you feel like why bother- the answering being for myself and my son.

Because, Ourmiracle, it is too late isn’t it. I get that you are making positive changes to your life but this is happening AFTER the adoption. Not before, not when the authorities are offering help/support or making you jump through hoops to prove yourself. The ship has effectively sailed.

Twittwootoo

This is a very (and unnecessarily) harsh response. The point that each situation is unique and should be treated as such, is valid.

If direct contact can be safely facilitated it CAN be very beneficial for all parties. Obviously it is frequently the case this is just not possible.

Some children come into care as they have been horrendously abused by the people who should keep them safe. Others because their parents are selfless enough to know that however much they love them they can’t give them what they need at that time. Often these two sets of parents are treated the same despite coming from completely different places.

But I begged social services for help but instead of helping me get away from my abusive ex husband they listed him as a “protective factor” after my PND diagnosis.

He was a narcissist and a master manipulator.

I made mistakes. I hold my hands up to that but they “couldn’t guarantee I would work with them and that therapy would be successful as It would need to be extensive and littlemiracle couldn’t wait”

I was in a bad place and the local authority that should have helped me failed. I moved away but didn’t seek help from my new local authority because I didn’t think I could get any.

The judge admitted at court that x LA had clearly failed on numberous levels and said “it is a tragic case”.

I failed to protect my son, that is my failing and mine alone and I have to live with that. But I DID ask for help. I DID want to make changes and prevent myself being abused but there was just no support. I was young. With very limited support networks, my now ex husband had made sure I had no one to turn to.

It feels like because “other birth parents have posted photos online” means I can’t keep mine doesn’t feel fair. The local authority don’t allow it because it’s against their procedures. But they didn’t care when they sent my address and phone number to my ex despite there being a court order to not disclose this information to ANY other person. They didn’t care he had stabbed me once. Or that he now knew where I was to do it again! How is that working in my child’s best interests?

I’m not saying I didn’t make mistakes. Of course I did. But I don’t feel I should be punished for my ex’s current actions when I have nothing to do with him or other birth parents actions.

@Twittwootoo

Welcome to the adoption boards. You are going to get (more) flamed for a couple of really tactless posts. I'd encourage you to ride it out and stick around in a more constructive way. Frankly I was going to have a go too but if @OurMiracle1106 hasn't made her point with that post then there certainly isn't anything I can add.

For context OurMiracle1106 is a very valued member of the board. She is incredibly respectful of her child's parents and is solely concerned with making that relationship work in her child's interest. She doesn't need telling that it's too late to change the past- she can explain that grief far better than any of us can.

@everyone.

I don't like this article. I didn't reply in the hope it would disappear. Then I read the replies on this thread and they were fab- ignoring the provocation and gently explaining reality. That's why the people on this board are so great. Adoption is an emotive subject and I can be just as guilty of writing before I think as Twittwootoo was; but this is not AIBU. It's not the place for a barney.

@OP

Well I might as well comment on the OP since I'm apparently writing an essay. We have pushed for contact with BPs. We get nothing back. Most adopters are in that boat. Adopters are usually quite keen on some contact BUT the child's interests come first and it is always the parent's judgement.

@Twittwootoo I am a birth parent who put my children first and agreed that my children should be adopted. I was praised by the judge, the cafcass, the social services and everyone else for doing so. I was told I was not a bad parent just an unwell one.

Not every birth parent is the same yet it does seem to be that we are all treated in the same position.

I don’t need a welcome, I’ve been on the board for a number of years and recognise the posters and situations. I fully recognised I would get “flamed” and that’s ok, it doesn’t worry me because I stand by what I feel for the following reasons:

I think arguing that there are exceptions to the rule is futile. Social services will NEVER have the capacity to treat every case individually because of the tiny number of people this would affect. That is shockingly crap but it is the world we live in.

Many birth parents are unwell, many give up their children because they accept they cannot look after them. I appreciate that in this harsh world we live in. However, they cannot then feel they can make demands on whether parents send photos to them or agree to more contact. Why would they? They didn’t just adopt the child to be babysitters. Sending a photo to a person that you have possibly only met once will make it hard to trust them. No matter what they say.

I’m sure many on this board will disagree and that’s fine, no issue at all.

I have mentioned this before but it is absolutely possible to treat each case an individual and have informed decisions re. Form/type/level of contact following a thorough risk assessment. In Northern Ireland contact takes many forms none, letterbox (including photos and none) and not least direct contact. The latter has become very normal here. Not every child has direct contact with birth family because it is decided on a case by case basis. Factors such as safety risks, the birth families likelihood to maintain it as the years go on and not the least the factors leading to the child adoption. In the likes of our miracles case she would likely have been had direct contact a couple of times a year. She would have been supported to understand the reason behind this. The reason is not to keep her in the role of mother, to help her feel better (although this has proven to be a positive that has come out of contact) but to help the child understand their past and where it fits into who they are and their life today. Every case is very much different and can and should be treated on an individual basis.

The pink lady- how would that be put into practise in the UK? Aren’t the systems different? I thought the funding would be different?

But no type or degree of contact can turn AP into glorified babysitters?

At the end of the day contact is actually for the benefit of the child. We all know there are cases where this isn’t true but for the most part contact is for the benefit of the child not the BP. Contact is not granted based on how ‘demanding’ the BP are nor should it be.

No matter how much or little AP choose to engage with BP they do not disappear, they are part of the adoption triangle.

Bellacat exactly my thoughts and out very eloquently. As adoptive parents we are very much the parents raising the child, sitting by their bed at night settling a very anxious child, making important decisions about their future. No one can take that away from us but the fact remains there is another side to their family out there that can not be denied. Contact is very much about the children and no-one else. If others benefit from it that is a by product.

Amaaazing at the risk of sounding sacrcastic the last time I looked at a map Northern Ireland was very much part of the UK. Yes like in Scotland we have slightly different procedures in terms of freeing as opposed to placement order, but in the whole the procedures and policies are very much the same. It does not require anymore money just perhaps different mindset.

BP haven't even written back to us this year. I can't imagine they would bother with anything anymore strenuous tbh.

Adoption is heartbreaking. It's an imperfect solution to tragic events. I think contact will continue to evolve. Years ago there was no contact at all now letterbox is standard. In the future direct contact may become more common place, as it has in other countries. I think the voices that really matter on the contact debate are the adoptees.

I don't imagine the voices will be very loud from adopters/adoptees corner and by the time they are it may be too late. My Mum fought so hard to keep her in the family - so she would know us. what scuppered that was she was not prepared to tell lies. Lies the adopter of my daughter either knows about and ignores or would rather not dig too deeply beyond what she has been told. Best of both worlds. Only if my daughter turns into her birthmothers daughter in her teens will she wonder if she made a mistake. None of that is in the information available- so will wait and wonder. We wont get face to face in heartless Surrey. Face to face would make contact better for us, it would make it feel real. At the moment a one dimensional surreal discussion doesn't feel like it has much meaning to me

IMO the fact that Jill Goss managed to flee to Spain with her son and he has lived there with her to no harm suggests a wrongful adoption took place.

Very very sad.

At the moment even getting a letter from one of DD's BPs is enough for he to spiral down into at least six weeks of disruptive behaviour, it upsets her so much. IMO it rocks her world because she doesn't want to be adopted, she doesn't want another set of parents, she wants to be like most other children. And she is terrified that one day she will lose us (remember she has already lost her birth parents and her foster carers). Contact of any sort reminds her of a reality that she isn't able to deal with right now

We've talked about what might happen when she is older, and I'e said that the only condition I will put on her meeting her BP in due course is that I will be there too, for the first time at least.