Scared shocked and nervous

[Scaredandnervous]

Hello, I am not sure if this is the right place to post as this seems to be a lot more focused on babies being adopted rather than the mum's that are giving up their baby. So I apologise if this post upsets anyone but I really can't find any information or forums to help.

I have just found out that I am between 30 and 33 weeks. I have had no symptoms and have been I'll in the last few weeks and that's when I didn't think something was right. I took a test and booked a private scan. When they told me how far gone I was in total shock and I know for many many personal reasons that I don't want to go into on here at the moment I know I can't bring this baby up. I know if I wasn't as far gone I would have had a termination.

I don't really have anyone to speak to apart from my mum and my best friend who have been amazing and fully support my decision.

I guess what I am wanting to know is does anyone know the process for the mum giving up the baby? Can they make me keep the baby? The thought of the whole thing is scaring me and is really affecting my state of mind. I know my baby going to a loving family will be the best thing, but the actual birth, milk coming in, more checks, the kicks and movement is making me Ill.

The process is starting next week but I know it's too late for any tests on the baby and I have even tried to look into a private c section as I can't bear the thought of going into labour.

I am so sorry again if this post upsets anyone but if anyone does have any advice or information then please can you help me.

Thank u

I think you need some counselling to help you deal with your shock and anxiety about this pregnancy. I think there's an injection that stops milk production because my mum told me she had it. There's nothing wrong with accepting that you aren't in the place to parent this baby. In fact I think it's brave and caring of you. I didn't want to read and run. There used to be an advice place called brook advisory service for this kind of thing. I'm sure the midwives will know what it's called now.

What a huge shock for you. You need to talk to the midwife at your appointment next week who will refer you to Social Services. A Social Worker will then meet up with you to talk through your decision. When baby is born it's up to you if you want to see baby or care for him/her in the hospital. You will then sign the paperwork to voluntarily relinquish care of baby and baby will go to foster care until an adoptive placement is found. You have a certain amount of time in which you can change your mind.
Look after yourself

First thing, please don't feel like you have to make any firm decisions now.

I'd agree that you need to talk to someone in real life, help you deal with the shock and then think more clearly about what you want to do.

I'm not asking you to say why you don't think you can keep the baby, but try and work through why - is it money, housing, family relationships ? Is there no way to make it work? Will things be better in a year or two?

Although there are plenty of potential adopters who would love a newborn, the best place for any child is really with a loving birth family.

There was a similar thread here a while ago from a woman in a complicated family situation, she was all set to relinquish the baby but in the end realised she couldn't give him up. Don't understimate how hard it will be to give your baby up.

Its a huge decision which will impact you and your baby for the rest of your lives. Don't rush into something you may regret.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

This is a really good place to ask questions. Definitely talk to your midwife and get social workers involved. And also ask about c-section. You can have one if it's medical necessity and your state of mind has a place in that assessment.
You need support to help makee the decision that's right for you. But and a hug for now.

@Scaredandnervous please do not feel worried about posting here. WE here from birth parents from time to time and we are a sympathetic bunch, on the whole.

I am sorry this is such a huge shock.

You do not need to reply to any questions but I am curious about the baby's dad, does he know? And curious how old you are, roughly.

Whatever happens I am sure you baby will have a loving family and I hope you will get the answers you need.

I agree with Ted you do not need to decide anything at all immediately. But you can get the ball rolling, so to speak.

@Scaredandnervous how are you doing?

Hello, i am getting there. Thank you for asking. I am still in shock but after doing research and having time to think things through i know i am making the right decision.

I will uodate you when i know more x

How are you doing?

Hey OP. What a shock! Hope you are starting to come to terms with everything and getting some good RL support to make the right decision

I have my first apt nect friday thats when they can 'fit' me in.
The lady i spoke to was awful and very patroinising. My friends and mum have told me i need ro complain. I know she js entitled to her own opinion but to voice it to a patient who is dealing with thr biggest decision of her life is shocking.
Im too scared to even call them back and ask for advice on other things. The thought of going another 6 days before i even know anything is worrying the hell out of me. I have pain down below, am uncomfortable and have lost 4lbs in the last few days, from having tummy problems.
So im actually feeling pretty shit in myself and just wish i knew what was going to happen over the bwxt few weeks. It has made me realise i am doing 100% the right thing though.
Thank you for asking xxx

I’m sorry the person you spoke to was horrible, it’s her job to support and help you, not judge you.

Can I ask if that was the midwife or the social worker ? Please take someone with you to the appointment if your possible can.

The most important things is to look after yourself and baby’s health. This includes your own mental health and well being .

Just to let you know - when you talk to SW they will ask about your Baby’s father and his family and they will seek to contact them, to see if they would be interested in bringing up the baby. They will also ask the same about your own extended family.

Baby’s father will have the right to raise them, unless they are proved to be unsuitable ( convictions for violence, an addict, unstable lifestyle etc ) .

This is because it’s policy to place the child with family if possible.

You can express your views about this and give your reasons but you can’t block it completely . SW will place your child where they think it’s best.

Eg you can say “ I’m catholic and I want my baby brought up catholic so
I don’t want baby placed with His parents because they are CoE”. But SW might well override that because of the child’s best interest.

Similarly with unrelated adopters. You can say eg “ I want baby to be an only child “ and they will take account of this. Some local authorities will give you anonymous details of several families and ask which you would prefer . But you don’t get to choose.

You can ask to meet the prospective adopter/s once they have been chosen.

You can Also ask for “ letterbox contact “ , which is usually an annual exchange of Letters and sometimes photos.

You can write a letter telling baby about yourself , to be left on his / her file to read when they are older.

There are lots of options which you can think about and discuss with your family. You don’t have to decide anything right now.

I’m really sorry to read about your situation. You must be feeling very shocked . And it’s totally normal to be terrified about the labour and birth, many women are. It’s even harder if you don’t feel you can keep the baby. You will need to build is a lot of support for you, whatever you decide to do after the baby is born.

Hi think at this stage you need professional confidential advice and support out side of social services one such Org who would have experience and knowledge who can offer advice and long term support
if you eventually need this. They have midwifes, advocates, support and social workers. Would ring them for advice www.fnp.nhs.uk
Wish you all the best XXX

If encountering connection problem just google fnp.nhs.uk

fnp.nhs.uk/about-us/what-is-fnp/

Clicky link

@Scaredandnervous I am sorry the person you spoke to was not very nice. Please don't take it to heart. XXXXX We are here for you.