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Adoption

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14 replies

HammerToFall · 09/09/2018 20:52

Can someone help. I'm struggling so much with my two I feel like I'm drowning

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 09/09/2018 20:54

Can you tell us a bit about what’s happening, their ages etc - there are some of us who have adopted sibling pairs who might be able to help.

hidinginthenightgarden · 09/09/2018 20:59

We are here. Spill it all out. We will listen.

topcat2014 · 09/09/2018 21:49

Can't offer any advice, OP, as we are still going through the process.

Good luck though x

rose69 · 10/09/2018 16:27

If you haven't already contact the post Adoption social worker and speak to the school. I hope you get the help you need Thanks

Italiangreyhound · 10/09/2018 16:43

@HammerToFall get on the phone to your adoption agency or local authority and ask for post adoption support now. If you need to, cry on the phone. Do it now, if no one is there leave a message.

Tell us more and we may be able to offer help/suggestions.

How old (roughly, how long with you, specific issues).

Thanks
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 10/09/2018 21:23

hi. how are you doing today?
In the early days with my 2 I regularly phoned DH to tell him to get home from work early/promptly as it was all getting too much.
And then at weekends I would lock myself in our kitchen to listen to The Archers and get some 'me time' for 75 mins.

DashOfMagic · 10/09/2018 23:37

hammer are you alright? Flowers

Mama1980 · 11/09/2018 20:29

HammerToFall I hope you've been able to access some rl post adoption support since your post.
This board is a great, safe, sounding place.
If you need to talk we will listen and offer help and support if we can.

HammerToFall · 12/09/2018 07:05

Sorry for going awol. I ended up with a debilitating two day migraine!

Same story I've heard over and again I guess, they are 12 and 10, been with me since they were 1( months, adopted separately but full sibs.

Both diagnosed with attachment disorder, one is avoidant one is ambivalent, both in DDP therapy.

It's the violence and the utter misery that's swamping me. They despise each other and their whole goal
In life is to make each other fee crap either with words or hurting. They are also violent towards me.

There have been multiple issues at school with both of them, the youngest doesn't sleep and kicks off and trashes the house every single night.

The icing in the cake was after a huge kick off at two in the morning the neighbours made a referral to social services, the youngest was making quite severe threats and they thought it was me threatening them!

Husband works out of the country a lot and over the years family and friends have gradually distances themselves.

I'm trapped in the house with them. We can't go out as threat behaviour is so severe and quite frankly they are both runners so it's dangerous.

I run support groups throughout the area and I know I've helped a lot of people, but when it comes to my own I just don't know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
HammerToFall · 12/09/2018 07:06

That's 15 months they've been with me not one!

OP posts:
HammerToFall · 12/09/2018 08:15

God I'm not explaining myself very well. Sheer fatigue I think. They are 12 and 10 and both came to me at 15 months!

OP posts:
UnderTheNameOfSanders · 12/09/2018 08:29

Oh wow. That sounds unbearable.

Do you get any outside support? I would be taking anything the SS offer following the referral by your neighbours with open arms.

Do the children see CAMHS, and do you get any respite care?

It sounds to me as if you have given everything you can for 10+ years, and also that sadly a) the children shouldn't have been placed together and b) maybe they just can't cope in a family?

A bit like setting off a hand grenade, but have you looked into Section 20 and 'parenting at a distance'? Adoption UK boards might be helpful. Also another board I will PM you. Remember, if the children can't live with you full time, it wouldn't be giving up on them, it would be finding an environment that works for them.

HammerToFall · 12/09/2018 15:02

The children don't see CAMHS as they don't deal with attachment in our area, but they are having funded DDP therapy.

We get no respite, and it wouldn't be appropriate for outside respite as their biggest fear is we will reject them and send them away so it's catch 22.

A section 20 is of course always an option but not one I'm willing to take at present. As hard as it is none of this is their fault and I made a commitment to them, I'm not saying that in future it won't happen but I still have a teeny bit more to give.

Social services offering no help, but realistically what can they do. I just get platitudes if your doing such a good job, make sure you get self care etc.

Nothing anyone can say or do really, I just felt overwhelmed and at the end of my tether on Sunday. Seven hours sleep in four days is not productive to parenting attachment disordered kids!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 12/09/2018 16:09

HammerToFall I have no wise words to offer.

Do you get any counselling for you? can you? I think you need someone to help you work out how to move forward and when, if ever, you really do have no more to give.

Its not their fault but it is not your fault either. Please, please do find a way to get help specific for you.

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