Am I wrong or should the mother in law step back?

[Apdoptiondad]

My wife and I after 7 years of trying (5 IVF 2adoption) are about to have another addition to our family, we have been matched with a beautiful little girl who will be 18 months old when we bring her home.
Eeeeeeek

Hi, this is part question part rant to vent but my problem is this, we have missed out on all the little decisions that have been made in her life so far and was looking forward to making those decisions. Silly little ones like how to decorate her room etc.

However my mother in law and sister in law (who I do mostly like) keep interfering telling my wife that they know best!!!! Granted MIL does foster but SIL doesn't have any children.

I love my wife to absolute bits (am biting my tongue so as not to put her in a difficult position) can be at times led into agreeing with them. I've had to leave on a number of occasions so as not to snap and say we are raising our daughter not you!!!!!!!

Cheers and thank you.

Congratulations on your new addition! Unfortunately it's one of the things about parenting no one tells you. As soon as you have kids some people will give you advice you haven't asked for and tell you how you should be raising your child. It's not limited to people you know. Even total strangers may tell you where you are going wrong. It's utterly infuriating.

Apdoptiondad your MIL must step back and not allow her natural interest in her daughter's (and your) good news to spoil it for either of you.

The fact she has fostered is immaterial really, IMHO. You have been prepared and trained to be adoptive parents in 2018. Even if she had adopted, as well as fostering and having a birth child, she still would not be right person to make decisions about your little one's room and other aspects of your journey.

Lastly, when baby arrives it is very important your MIL and SIL stay away for a reasonable time so baby learns about you and your wife, begins to attach or bond, and you and your wife imprint in some way on her.

Others may be able to advise how long this should be.

Really, it will not be in your daughter's best interest at all to have any confusion about who new people are in her life!

It sounds like your MIL may blur these lines in a very unhelpful way despite having very good intentions.

Supporting your wife now means supporting your daughter and not your MIL, in the nicest possible way. Talk to your wife about it.

IMHO.

It's recommended that we go into 'lockdown' for 8 weeks after she joins us to allow that bonding and attachment to build and begin to solidify. They both are going on a training evening to explain the need for it and how they can help. I've had a quiet word with our Social Worker and mentioned that it would be beneficial if they could highlight the need for lockdown and patience. Their constant 'helpful' comments do come with the best of intentions ambit they are starting to rile the wife a bit too now. Hopefully they will take on board the training they go on will help them realise that they need to hold back. If not I will have a word with them on the side and hope they understand.
Good to know I'm not being completely silly. Cheers.

I think if you can learn to bat those comments away gently, can you give some examples? I mean heavily disguised!

I think what you've said in this thread is just a perfect way to explain lain to your wife and then for you both to explain to the in laws.

Anyone that has a problem with that would be a little strange, easy to be thoughtless and get carried away a baby is coming though it must be very exciting for everyone!

Congratulations

I know after such a long wait you’ll be bound to want your little one all to yourself, and will want to witness those milestones and will feel the loss of the milestones that you’ve missed in her life. In saying that, decisions like how to decorate her room still surely rest with you and your wife? In fact from here on in all the decisions in her young life will rest with you and your wife - which can be both lovely and quite scary tbh. You and your wife need to agree where the line is with both your extended families - finding enough room for you to settle as a family while also recognising your extended family and their role in your little ones life.

It’s fine, for example, just now to say you want to go into 8 weeks “lock down”, but you may find that with the intensity of the whole intros process and the addition of a toddler, learning to parent from a standing start and adjusting to all it brings you need some support, or just a bit of space, another pair of hands or simply someone else to talk to. Those early weeks and months are harder than you’ll believe possible so don’t shut the door on well meaning family and friends. Set clear boundaries, especially around decision making, physical care and comfort for your little girl etc but try to flex enough that you can get support when you need it.

Jellycatspyjamas excellent thoughts.

Am I right in reading from your introduction you already have children, either through ivf or adoption? If so I second jelly’s words re. lockdown. We were told two to three months minimum in all our prep for lockdown. In reality with a sibling group this was undoable. If you have already children at home you will need some support. For us we did keep the kids worlds small for the first few months and we did ensure we did all the care (feeding, changing, comforting etc.) but we needed for sanity to get out of the house. We visited close family for short periods regularly, ‘bumped into’ some at a park or cafe.
We needed outside company and we also needed to be out of the House to get through the early days. I would say only now 9 months in can we spend the day pottering around the house without kids driving us insane with fighting
etc. If you already have children you will need your family a lot for support so don’t push them away too much. By that I mean don’t get bogged down on the lockdown thing with them. Remind them that meetings/visits need to be led initiated by you. They can’t just turn up on the doorstep unannounced etc but don’t tell them they have to stay away for 8 weeks categorically because if you then discover you need/want them they may be a bit off. Good luck.

Jellycatspyjamas you are right, the 8 weeks is a guideline and we will play a lot of it by ear and see how she and we settle into things. They are naturally excited as it's been an emotional journey for us and our families. I'm sure things will work out and it's probably just the initial excitement of everything suddenly happening so quickly.
I know they mean well and I'm sure it's just them wanting to be as helpful as possible after an emotional journey the last 7 years.

Thank you all for you thoughts. Has helped.

No we don't have any existing children. We've been through 3 rounds of ivf including one that included a miscarriage.

Apdoptiondad

Even well meaning help can feel intrusive - it’s been emotional for them, but it’s been your life for 7 years and the road to adoption through ivf is way more public than most people would want. It’s so natural to want to draw your circle close after a very private area of your life being under scrutiny for so long. It’s part of claiming your child for your own, reclaiming your private life and becoming a family in your own right.

Spend the last bit of child free time reflecting on the past few years and give some space to all the mixed feelings that will naturally be around for you. Most of all be gentle with yourself and your wife.