At a crossroads...

[MKGal]

Hi all,

First post on this subject and hoping for some sound advice. Sorry it's a bit long.

I've always wanted to be a mum, but never had the "urge" to be pregnant or give birth, I've always wanted to adopt and to adopt a young child (aged 4+) to give him / her a chance in life.

My older brother was given up for adoption by our mum in 1974 before I came along (I found him in 2002) and so I have some limited experience of the impact of adoption and the fact that my brother had a great adoptive mum further cements my reasoning.

Anyway, background on me. I was with ex-husband for 10 years and we split when I was 30, I concentrated on my career after that and had a 4 year relationship in that time that didn't work out.

In 2013, I was single but happy, content and solvent, I started the ball rolling with my LA regarding adoption. But then due to losing my job and having a major family issue, I had to put it on pause at the very early stages. Which the LA were totally fine with.

Anyway, in 2014, aged 36, I met my now DP and from the beginning I was 100% honest, told him of my plans and I said after buying my ex out of the house and turning 40 I was going to look to start the ball rolling again with adopting. He's never been married and doesn't have kids, he has a good career (although I earn more than double than him) and we've a fantastic relationship, we have never once had an argument, we have lots of quality time with each other as well as our own separate interests and we just generally have a great life together.

Towards the end of last year, I was in the final stages of buying my ex out of my 4-bedroom house, which was hard work, but I'm so proud to have done it.

Around that time, my DP (who lives with me) starting acting a bit withdrawn, I couldn't put my finger on it. After a LOT of talking, it transpired that he was getting worried as he knew we were getting closer to when I was going to look into adoption again.

Bear in mind a few months before he came to a meeting and information evening adoption agency / charity that specialises in children (not babies) and was really supportive and engaging during this.

So to hear he was getting worried was a shock. The reality for him was edging closer and he wasn't sure if it's what he wanted / was scared.

We had some really frank discussions off the back of this and I said that I was always honest about my intentions and so this revelation was obviously a shock. I also said that as harsh as it sounds, if I had to make the choice, he's not going to like my decision. I want to be a mum, with or without him. I love him so much, but I can't and won't give up my dream of being a mum.

We decided to not discuss it for a couple of weeks to give him some space to think and he came back to me and said he'd be willing to try fostering. As it's not permanent and allows him to experience parenting. I was chuffed that he gave this some thought and that he wanted to try and meet me halfway and I had toyed with fostering previously anyway.

So fast forward, I speak to the LA about fostering and they told me that they don't allow people who eventually want to adopt to foster. Either you want to foster or you want to adopt and you can't use fostering as a "trial run" for adoption.

When they put it like that, I see what they mean, to a certain degree. But at the same time, these kids are crying out for a loving home, albeit temporarily.

If I push forward with the adoption with my DP in my life, I know we will get rejected as he will come across as his heart not being in it, but it seems that fostering is out of the question too. Unless you can tell me otherwise?

Is my only option to end my relationship and go it alone?

Fostering and adoption are different animals so yes they will want you to be looking at one of the other. It is not a back door to adoption .
That said many FC go on to adopt
I am one of them. I had 3 birth children and always wanted to foster and eventually adopt. My husband wasn't sure but we went into fostering 15 yes ago and now have a long term foster child who has been with us for 11 years and is as much a part of our family as our birth kids. However we still have social services involvement and cannot make all decisions as we are not the legal parents so bear that in mind . In time my husband agreed to consider adoption and we took a baby 3 years ago with the understanding that if they became available we would consider adopting them and that is what happened. So I achieved my dream in a somewhat roundabout fashion and couldn't be happier. My husband dotes on our little one and is v glad we went for it now but admits he would never have gone down that route off his own bat.
I think if you want to be assessed as foster carers you need to emphasise that and not bring up adoption as an end goal as it were.
There are plenty of agencies and local authorities you could foster for so it may be worth looking elsewhere. Good luck x

That's amazing @flapjackfairy sounds like you've made a wonderful difference to that child's life.

Thank you for the advice. I must say, the chap at the LA that I had the fostering chat with, we talked off the record and so no notes against my name were made about the discussion. So your post gives me some hope.

Did you foster through LA or privately? x

We work for an agency. If you get approved with one of them just bear in mind they often have the more difficult to place kids , though all foster children ( and adopted of course ) are going to come with extra needs of one kind or another due to damage in the womb or trauma of some kind etc
You said you were interested in a child 4 plus if i am reading it right If so you would be snapped up for adoption as children that age are v sadly already on the cusp of being too old to find adoptive psrents as most want young children or babies .
Anyway food for thought but all i can say is if you want it badky enough you will find a way x

Hi FJF - I don't really have anything useful to say, but I wanted to send you a hug because that sounds like a sad situation. You're right, if your DP's heart isn't in it during the process you probably won't get approved ... and then if his heart doesn't turn around after you're matched and a child is in your life that will be even worse: the child has already been rejected by their birth parents, and they'll pick up on your DP's feelings.

Fostering could be an option ... but what I've noticed is that you're so busy considering your DP's emotions that you may not be thinking about your own.

For example, if the placement turned out to be six months, would you get attached and then devastated when the child was placed? What if it was six years and even after then your DP didn't want to adopt them (assuming nobody else was matched with them)? What if fostering was too much for your DP - because children in care are unsurprisingly challenging - and it destroyed your relationship?

Wishing well on your journey - it sounds like you have some difficult decisions coming up. xx

Erm meant that for MKGal - it's been a long day!!

Hi @angelolsen

Thank you for those points to consider.

To be honest, as I've said to DP, if I'm forced to choose, I will choose motherhood. So if we try fostering and it breaks us, then as harsh as it sounds, so be it.

I love him dearly and we are a great team. He's so loving, kind and patient that I genuinely believe he would surprise himself at how he would be as a foster or adoptive parent.

My sister's kids love him and seem to be drawn to him, hanging off him and dragging him off to play. It's hilarious to watch as he was initially like a rabbit in the headlights, but he is great with them. Sadly they live quite far, so we don't get to see them much.

I imagine I would get attached to a long term placement would be gard, but I'm a balanced individual and can see the bigger picture. I'm also aware that the children would have issues. The adoption session I attended explained that most children in care have been taken from parents due to neglect and abuse, so I'm prepared for that in fostering too. I'm under no illusion that it will be a bed of roses.

Thanks @flapjackfairy us it possible to be with more than one agency or an agency and a LA? Is private "better" (for want of a better word) than LA?

Yes, I would prefer to help children, as I've barely any experience of caring for babies bar the odd baby sitting, but experience of children, used to have my ex-husband's neices and nephews a lot and take them on holidays etc, whereas babies are an enigma to me and I don't think I would be up to the job. Plus it breaks my heart that so many kids are stuck in care.

No you cant. You can only foster for one organisation and if you move you have to be reapproved and start from scratch.
Traditionally you get more support with an agency but as mentioned they tend to have kids who have been through the local authority carers so can often be complex placements or older children. Little babies , toddlers etc are relatively easier to place so v often are placed with local authority carers.
Would you consider children with complex medical needs or disabilities? That is what i specialise in and often children with complex needs really struggle to find a placement . They sre often placed tbrough agencies .

Thanks for clarifying @flapjackfairy. I wouldn't rule out a disabled or special needs child, depending on the level of disability or needs, purely due to the fact that as mentioned I'm not hugely experienced with kids and wouldn't feel equipped to be the best I could for that child and also my house wouldn't be suitable for some disabilities / equipment / access.

Random question. I have two dogs. Is this a barrier for fostering? The adoption charity said it's not normally an issue for them but looked at on a case by case basis, so a child allergic or frightened of dogs wouldn't be suitable for instance.

All pets are risk assessed so as long as they are friendly then no problem at all. Of course a childs soc worker has the ultimate say in where they are placed so if a child was , for example allergic to animals or likely to be afraid of them ( or even a risk to the pet itself ,) or there was any other good reason not to place with pets then it would be an issue but you would just wait for a suitable match .

Thank you. My dogs are softies. They love everyone, even kids. Aged 9 and 11 now, so pretty chilled too. ❣️ x

If there are language schools in your area maybe caring for children for them may be a possibility as a way to gain experience. Just a thought.

What's a language school and where are their parents? Never heard of that @starpatch!

Have you considered that your partner may wish to have a birth child and this may be where his reluctance is coming from?

To be honest, whilst its great that you are so committed, this is very driven by you, I'm not hearing much about what he wants

If he's not with you 100%, whether its adoption or fostering, then its unlikely that you would make it through approval

Hi @Ted27, yes we discussed it and he's said he has no desire to make babies (which suits me) and he was supportive of my plans.

With regards to what he wants, as I say he initially supported adopting and has been to information evenings etc, but as we've got closer to starting the ball rolling he got scared.

If he's not with me 100% then I will consider going it alone, as per what I had been exploring before I met him. Sad as that is.

I'm a single adopter MKgal, its tough but lots of us do it.

I wonder if its worth giving him a bit more time? If you are only 40 you have lots of time in adoption terms, I was 47 when my son came home.

If you decide to leave him then SWs will expect you to wait a bit anyway for you to settle down. You will have to review your financial assumptions, think about support networks, child care, plans for work etc which will take time.
Just a thought, good luck, not an easy decision

MKGal I've got no advice but wanted to wish you well in what you decide to do.

It does feel rather unfair that your partner knew your plans and now feels he is not keen. Whatever you do I hope things work out well for you.