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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Long Lost Family

15 replies

topcat2014 · 05/09/2018 06:59

We watched long lost family yesterday.

I know it reflects how society used to be - but I found it really hard.

Not from the perspective of the now grown up adopted folk, that was just 'normal emotional'.

It just made me feel that adoption is a 'temporary' part of the children's lives until they 'reunite', and the adoptive parents are then airbrushed out.

Not entirely rational thinking, I know, and it reinforced the idea of letterbox etc, so the whole life is not building up to bombshells.

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 05/09/2018 17:30

I agree and so never watch it . It winds me up . My husband put it on last night as he thought I would be interested and I hadn't realised what it was . The mother last night was saying she wanted her son back as part of her family. Very understandable emotion and I am v sad for her pain but like you I feel the message is that adopted families are a stop gap until the real family sweep back in.
To be fair I haven't seen enough to gauge whether they are balanced in their approach so maybe I am being unfair . I turned off as soon as Nicky put in an appearance so didn't see the( no doubt ) sentimental reunion .
Like you I feel it does nothing to reflect the realities of modern adoption .

Italiangreyhound · 05/09/2018 17:53

It's not the same as modern adoption stories, in the main.

It's really moving and I love it. I feel so very sad for families broken apart because of shame and embarrassment about what neighbors would think etc.

That's not the story of modern adoption at all.

One of the most moving was a man from Ireland whose birth mother had had to give him up since she could not work and look after him.

His adoptive mum was great but when he was 10 his adopted father left and the lads life took a bad turn. He ended up on drugs and his adoptive mum re-mortgaged the house to get him into rehab.

Now in his thirties and working as a carpenter he looked for his birth mum. He found her and had an emotional reunion with her.

He then moved to Ireland with his adopted mum as well. When his two mothers met they both thanked each other for the part they had both played in this young man's life. His adopted mum was not temporary, he clearly loved her, he just needed to find his birth mum too.

The situation for many adopted children now is different.

Another family was all about the siblings, one man in his 70s found his birth sister and his half brother and half sister. The emotion at this man's reunion with his siblings was absolutely heart breaking. He had carried a lot of guilt that he got to stay with his mum while his sister did not.

There are actually several stories that revolve around siblings and how they look alike etc.

It may be only because these children had stable, happy upbringings that some are able to go on and search. My friend was adopted and found birth mum and siblings but her adopted mum and the siblings she grew up with are the ones who are a bigger part of her life, I think.

Ted27 · 05/09/2018 18:49

I don't think the programme airbrushes the adoptive parents out, the stories are not about them though.

The adoptees mostly either wait till the adoptive parents are dead because they don't want to upset them, or don't look because they have had happy adoptions and they are the ones who are found. Most tell the birth families not to feel guilty because they have had good, happy lives. Occasionally the adoptive parents do appear on screen. The programme only goes up to the reunion, I doubt the adoptees abandon their adoptive families afterwards.

My son is 14, he has not seen his birth mum since he was 4. There has been no letterbox. Following lifestory work he has expressed a very strong wish to see her. I'm not worried. I'm secure in my role as his mum. The curiousity is natural. Its almost as if he wants to stick two fingers up at her and say, look how well I've done without you. To be blunt, as part of lifestory work he has worked out which side his bread is buttered. He knows he wouldn't get the life he has with them, and he likes his life, including me, or as he put it - ' of course I'm going to stay with you, you are by far the safest option' whilst looking at me like I'm stupid to even think he would leave me.
I know some adoptive kids today end up drifting back into the orbit of the birth family but it is not inevitable

DashOfMagic · 05/09/2018 21:22

“You are by far the safest option”

I love that. High praise indeed.
Grin

I sort of agree the programme used to wind me up when I first started the adoption process as I felt the same, that it depicted adoption as a separation of family until they could be reunited. I now understand when I watch it that the concept of adoption on it is not the same as modern adoption and its not a representation of what adoptive families are like now...it still slightly winds me up that muggles watching it will think it is though.

flapjackfairy · 06/09/2018 08:29

Yes dash precisely. We all know the realities today but the ordinary man in the street still has the outdated mindset . I would like to see a bit more balance but then reuniting an adoptee with a drug dependant abusive parent would not make for good entertainment ! Except of the jeremy kyle variety so really there isnt an option for that so i am probably being unreasonable in my dislike ofthe programme.

MillyPeed · 06/09/2018 16:55

I was born and adopted as a 3 month old in the late 1950s. I was always told I was adopted, but was very happy and settled with my adopted parents and wider family. They were my parents and family. There wasn't anything 'temporary' about it.

But, for those of us adopted back then, we had little or no information about our birth parents. I would like to find my birth mother - although chances are getting slimmer as the years go by (there are too many complications to bore you with now, suffice it to say that Nicky & Davina might have a field day with my story!)

But there is no way I would 'airbrush out' my adopted family.

Italiangreyhound · 06/09/2018 16:59

MillyPeed would you consider going on the programme? Sometimes your story doesn't get aired but I think they still help you.

MargoLovebutter · 06/09/2018 17:16

I'd rather sell a kidney than go on a show like that, but I am adopted and I do understand the longing some adoptees have to find / know their biological parents.

Of course there is nothing temporary about adoption and you can feel settled in your adoptive family but that doesn't overcome or change the trauma of the separation - however that may have come about.

The show is about the search and re-unification, so that's what you're going to see!

MillyPeed · 06/09/2018 17:52

italian, it has crossed my mind over the last few years whether to apply. But, like Margo, I don't think I could do it so publicly.

Actually what I need is a shit hot international researcher - my adoption involves 5 different countries on 3 different continents, with the added complication of 'dates'!! I should really have got my act together some years ago to find a good international researcher!

2old2beamum · 06/09/2018 20:26

Cannot watch this, my birth mother dumped me at 6 ish. When I was 50 I tracked her down and wrote her a letter asking for nothing except accepting that she was my mother. Letter back saying she felt I was her past that she wanted to forget. Gee thanks Mother!
Having said that 2 DDS have tried to contact birth family to no avail, but we talked about it and despite having Down Syndrome they have accepted it.....maybe they have something to teach Me!
Phew this has been Cathartic!

Italiangreyhound · 06/09/2018 20:56

I know someone ago went on something similar and she did find her birth mum but it was not shown on tv.

Flowers my best wishes to all who are affected by this programme. For some it is a closure they need and I think for those it does provide a service.

2old2beamum · 06/09/2018 21:00

Thanks Italian for what it is worth you are right. (As usual Smile) Thankyou.

Mynamenotaccepted · 06/09/2018 22:03

Due to computer glitch I am 2old2beamum will try to sort it out but I am oldGrin

Allington · 07/09/2018 02:26

safest option Grin smart lad!

Italiangreyhound · 07/09/2018 08:23

2old2beamum that is so kind.

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