Babies topic in schools

[dramalamma]

I know this has been covered before but I could only find old threads on it so I thought I'd start a new one.
DD is nearly 5 and just started Reception (today!) and lo and behold in her pack of notes about school lunches etc is a letter saying the first topic, starting next week is "Babies" and each child should be bringing in a picture of them as a baby and their weight and length at birth and where they were born. They also have to bring in an object like booties and it will be displayed on the board for the rest of term......
I had had a conversation with the teacher before the holidays as I knew it was coming and had hoped she was going to choose another topic but the only concession she's made is to put DD first so she can get her story in before all the others.
DD is going through a bit of a adoption denial phase - she knows all about it but kind of classes her "babydom" as the first few months she was with us from 16 months. I was all set to just approach it this way and bring some photos in of her at that age but it kind of feels like she's just started a new school with a new class, which she's going to go through school with (it's a very stable population) and she has to get up there and announce that she's different and I don't see why she should.
So has anyone managed to change a topic like this once it's been announced? Should I do that or am I marking us both out as trouble making and "different" from the start? Should I just pull her out or just let her get on with whatever she does want to say..... will any of these 4 year olds even remember past the end of the day???
I gently broached the subject and she casually said "I don't want to do that" and walked off (she's very articulate so she knows what she's saying). Am having a meeting with teacher tomorrow and need to work out what I want before then so any advice is greatly appreciated! thanks

Four year olds are less likely to realise that your DD has not actually participated at all.

If she doesn't want to talk about it then perhaps tell the teacher this... however send her equipped with pictures etc in case she changes her mind.
Perhaps the teacher could ask her at the end quietly if she would like to talk? She may change her mind after seeing her class mates talking.

Hi. Not sure which country you are in but was she not sent this info and photos with her when she was adopted x

I'm sure she hasn't been as you wouldn't be asking otherwise just think this is sad if not the case x

That’s a good point about four year olds not noticing if she doesn’t take a turn.... but it’s over several weeks (a few children every Friday) so she’s going to have to sit there and listen to them all.
Sorry I should have said - we’re in the Uk now but she was adopted when we lived abroad so she doesn’t have this info - it is sad.
Am I overanalysing to think that she shouldn’t have to talk/be confronted with the saddest day of her life within the first 10 days of reception? I keep recalling the social worker who did our home study saying it’s her story to tell.... and surely that extends to not having to tell it. Will have a chat with the teacher tomorrow - I suspect it hasn’t even crossed her mind that this is a sensitive subject (despite me telling her last term!) 😒
Thanks for your answers - will keep on working on it.

I hope the teacher re-thinks her plans, it is completely insensitive and there are so many other ways to approach it with out specifying details that one child doesn't have.

Why doesn't she turn it into a 'my family' topic where the kids can talk about who they live with, pets, hobbies etc. That is way more interesting that birth statistics which most kids won't have a clue about the means of anyway.

We're also uk, it was uk adoption, and we don't have photos or items from before foster care, which was long past baby stage - that's a very common position to be in, as well as a really tough one to handle.

I threw this topic back on the school "how are you going to prevent DC from making disclosures that would destroy all their privacy at the school (and potentially distress others)? How are you going to safeguard their confidentiality through this topic if they doesn't want to be identified as adopted, because you can't take back what was said later? etc etc" They have decided not to do the topic at all. I pointed out that early life discussions are very likely to prompt disclosures, as I doubted DC would realise the classroom exercise was different to "life story work/therapeutic work", so it really wasn't safe to raise with DC a) without an expert there to help process what was talked about, and b) in public so DC had no choice to lose their privacy.

Otherwise I suggested they contact NATP for advice about how to differentiate sensitively - they could do different life stages of a pet, or a fictional character; they could use the teachers as an example instead of the children; they could draw pictures of themselves "when younger doing their favourite thing" or talk about the funniest thing their parent/carer says they did when smaller...

Thank you! I was starting to think I was being neurotic! That’s exactly what I need to say - how are they going to safeguard my child’s privacy and it’s not a safe space to have this topic aired. And of course they can’t so they’re going to have to change the topic. Have a meeting with the teacher later on in the week so will stand firm. Topic doesn’t start til next week so we have enough time to make changes. Thanks all - first time I’ve come up against this but am sure it won’t be the last!

I am a prospective adopter, primary school teacher and have a boy in my class who has gone into foster care this year. I am very aware of how difficult these topics are but they seem to be very common in Reception and Year 1. I have pushed to tweak our topic to take into account the difficulties some children may be going through/have gone through e.g. instead of doing a family tree, the class are going to draw who they live with at the moment, instead of bringing in photos of them as a baby/toddler the class are going to sequence photos of random babies/toddlers. Definitely speak to the teacher, it may be that she can't change the topic (they are often decided by year leaders or senior leadership) but she should be able to tweak it (and she should because she needs to appropriately differentiate for the needs of her class).

I'd speak to school and ask how they want to handle it since your dd doesn't want to talk about it.

If I were her teacher I'd broaden it right out to 'family' not ds as a baby.

So family is close and distant relatives and pets etc etc.

PLUS I think having to (most likely stand up) and address the class, this early on, is way over the top. Some kids will love it and shine, some will find it excruciating.

It seems both a badly thought out topic and an anxiety inducing exercise all rolled into one.

If the aim is to get them talking then they should pick the topic.

Plus, for me, 16 months is a baby, pretty much, so I think it could be easily broadened out.

I've got a school one but will post my own thread, pop over and give me your wisdom, please, adopters.

I how you get this sorted op, I'm not an adopter myself but I am outraged on your behalf that the school are planning to do this topic despite knowing your child is adopted & you have reservations. There's so many other topics this teacher could have chosen, including even broadening it out to be 'my family'.
I really hope it goes ok with the school and totally get why you wouldn't want your child to do this topic especially when trying to settle them into school. Good luck

I think the schools think this is something all kids will 'share'.

In reality some kids have a past containing adoption, fostering and even serious parental or child illness that make tgis topic unhelpful at best.

Bsby animals/animal families etc would be so much easier for all.

As an adult who was adopted as a child these sessions brought me a lot of pain.

In those days adopted children were not expected to experience pain - and it was not recognized. I ended up acting out as a release in the class and being punished for it.

I am glad times are different but this teacher does not seem to have any understanding - expecting your child to tell her story and go first!!! I am shocked.

Your daughter has clearly said no - and you sound lovely and will I am sure ensure the school changes this.

Good luck.

Downeyhouse Sorry to hear that.
Teachers do not always understand but I think parents are better equipped.

Mumsnet adoption boards have informed me immensely about the issues around adoption.

How did your meeting with the teacher go OP? I'm an adoptive parent and a primary school teacher. I think it's highly insensitive of the teacher to even consider doing this topic knowing that your daughter is adopted. Surely they will adapt it, 'my family' is far more inclusive or something else so it takes away the focus from your daughter so she doesn't feel uncomfortable or distressed. Hope it was successful!

Hi all, Sorry I didn't see all the replies until now. Thank you all for the support - I feel like I'm creating issues sometimes but I feel so strongly about this one I'm going to carry on making a nuisance of myself!
Meeting with the teacher was ok - she's lovely but really has no understanding and the fact that she's taught the same topic for 10 years and has all her classwork based around it was pretty much her only argument. She has at least (finally! could have done this back in June!!) called the education board trauma person who has said she doesn't need to change the topic and the headmaster has agreed with her. They're usually really good so I don't know why they're being so stubborn about this one... I'm guessing they just don't understand. DD presents as the most together, compliant un-traumatised child because she keeps her outbursts for us at home which is probably why they don't understand the issue.
She has sent home a note changing the topic to "babies and toddlers" and asking for items from their "first two years" which is better but I can't help not feeling confident in her ability to handle it sensitively enough.
So first session which she's supposed to share at (along with other kids too) is on Friday and we have a meeting on Thursday with headmaster, teacher, education board and our social worker to work out a solution but I can't help thinking that's going to be too last minute to change anything for Friday..... But I'll give it my best shot and DD might just end up with an unscheduled trip to the ice cream parlour on Friday afternoon (though they've all said not to exclude her I suspect I can exploit her love of ice cream to turn it into something positive rather than exclusion)
@Downeyhouse I'm so sorry that happened to you - and thank you for sharing. I'd have hoped understanding has moved on today but it still requires teachers and others to put themselves into the Childs position and think "how would I feel" and I guess that's hard to do.

I would absolutely withdraw my child if I thought the lesson might unsettle them - it’s not you excluding her, the school are being unbending. My DS talks openly, in a superficial way, about being adopted (eg, I’ve got a brand new family), my DD never makes reference to it and would be very distressed by a baby topic because she feels to blame for being removed from her birth mum. I’d keep her off school in a heartbeat.

Ice cream with mum is a perfect way to help her get a sense of her family identity as opposed to being in a difficult position with her class mates.

Hi drama, I could be completely wrong from your wording and phrasing but I suspect you may be from Northern Ireland. If so are you post adoption order? If you are I would contact tessa to see if they could do a session with the whole school about attachment awareness. It may not help in time with this particular issue but as she is at the beginning of her school career there it may do no harm to fully educate the whole school for moving forward.

Hello drama. It's appalling that the school is insensitive. I would have no qualms about keeping her off that day. I hope you find a solution, but if the teacher is relying on what she has done for the past ten years, then she is massively out of date.

All the best to you and your LO.

Watch out for this coming back to bite you/your DD time and again throughout her school career. My 2 are adopted (full siblings, family adoption due to parents being killed), DD doesn't remember not being with us but DS does.

Whether it's work about babies, families, family tree etc it crops up on a regular basis - DD refused to make explanations when she was your DD's age. DS also had severe PTSD with some fairly spectacular triggers, I had no end of problems ensuring that was managed appropriately.