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When did it feel real

12 replies

teekay88 · 29/08/2018 07:29

Hey all. It's been a bit quiet on boards with summer holidays so I thought I'd post a Q that's been on my mind. I'm early days into stage 1 (training starting next week and in process of all our checks) and I'm a natural pessimist so my instinct is usually to be anxious than to be excited

But saying that...i was wondering when everybody

A) started feeling that the process was becoming more "real"? (At the moment I can't help thinking of it as an abstract thing which is probably my way of protecting myself. The thought of a real life child entering our lives feels so far away)
B) started feeling able to start doing things to prepare for a child without thinking it was tempting fate (in terms of before a match has been confirmed). There seems to be a lot of variety of this. Some ppl I talk to do little things in stage 1 like start making some changes to their spare room or buying the odd thing. Others seem to wait til late stages of stage 2 or post match before they do or change anything. Both I can understand. Being a worrier I have this constant fear of it not working out or tempting fate. I'm a crafter and love to make things and after telling my mum.i feel scared to start making anything (like knitting the odd jumper etc) she s encouraged me to start trying to take a "cautiously optimistic" approach and start something small to help me feel more hopeful. My SW also seemed to be of the opinion that that mind set works well too

So thoughts? I'm just interested in the variety of viewpoints and experiences xxx

OP posts:
Jessica78 · 29/08/2018 08:02

We started to decorate the spare room when we were in Stage 2, but it was still very much as a spare room, knowing that when the time comes we will take out the current furniture and put in a new bed/cot & child furniture. But it would be accomplishable in the space of a couple of days? We've been told to 'child-proof' the house in preparation for children's social workers visiting, which might happen quite quickly.
Now we are waiting for panel and I've allowed myself to buy the odd thing, eg. A child monitor when I've seen them on offer. And I have made a private wish list on Amazon, which I think is quite good as it satisfies the shopping urge without actually doing it! As it's all still hypothetical, with no actual child, we are trying to hold back until we have a confirmed match.
I am finally starting to believe it will actually happen, and I definitely took some convincing!

howmanyusernames · 29/08/2018 12:31

For me it started to feel real when we were matched. Until then it was just a process we were going through, and even when we got approved it was a bit of an anticlimax for us both.

We started clearing the spare room in stage 2, and about a month before approval panel it was empty. We didn't decorate as it was a light grey paint/wallpaper (so neutral for either sex) and the carpet was also grey (and had only been down about a year) so that stayed too.
Once matched we did buy a cot, changing table and wardrobe but left everything in the boxes until all the court bits were done and we knew our LO was definitely coming home. We thought if the worst did happen we could take it all back to the shop.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 29/08/2018 16:19

We didn't do anything until we were approved. Even then we just bought a few generic things from charity shops (eg duplo). Our age range was 0-7 though, so pretty wide.
We only did anything else once we were matched and heading for panel. Then our friendly decorator repainted the 2 bedrooms with about 5 days notice, and we bought a cot bed so we could take photos for their intro books.
We got quite a lot of stuff handed on to us from friends for our younger one, so it was good we hadn't bought loads new in advance.

topcat2014 · 29/08/2018 17:34

I start stage 2 training next week - with a panel date in November.

Still feels abstract to be honest.

Unlike when DD was 'on the way' no one mentions it much, which is actually fine, as nothing seems to happen for weeks.

Gradually feeling more like it could eventually happen as each 'milestone' arrives.

But, we couldn't do the S2 training in July because we were going on holiday on the final day - there always seems to be something that slows everything down.

CompletelyUnknown · 30/08/2018 20:24

I didn't trust it to feel real until the day we met DE. There had been so many delays and legal manoeuvres by BP to delay things it felt like a big game. From the moment I set eyes on her my world change. Good luck

CompletelyUnknown · 30/08/2018 20:24


teekay88 · 03/09/2018 08:54

Thanks all for your insights. Its good to hear how others are feeling about all this and good to know im not the only one who feels it feels ab it "theoretical" at times as sumx ive been beating myself up for not thinking of a "child in mind" yet as it just doesnt feel we are at that stage.

ive heard others talk about taking efforts to show that you are child proofing house in stage 2 so this sounds a sensible and practical thing we can work on without getting over excited about other elements which id rather delay even if its all a big rush at the end than do it all up and then feel crushed if it doesnt work out or matching takes a very long time. im not sure its good for me psychologically to be sitting in a house with a decorated room, things around me etc until more certainty.

I too have had offers of things 2nd hand from friends so not sure how much new stuff ill be buying. perhaps in stage 2 i will feel able to get a ocuple of small bits when feeling more confident.

Topcat, i feel you about always something. we were in a similar position with stage 1 training - we missed out on jjuly so had to wait for september so again thats another couple of months lull we had to go through which has contributed to stage 1 feeling long.

as others have commented on what ive become very aware of from reading these forums is how many ppl have experienced long delays with matching with many talking abotu the anti climax element after panel so it does feel hard to imagine we could be still not matched say a year from now...eugh. i know itll all be worth it in the end but it does feel a slog sumx

OP posts:
kitkat463 · 07/09/2018 12:32

about 3 months after ds was placed when the fog settled! It felt like following someone else's script up til then if I'm honest . years in now and my gorgeous, clever, moody and kind tweenager is very real@!!@good luck

Italiangreyhound · 08/09/2018 19:09

I can't really remember!

But we got the spare room looking bright but neutral with no colourful pictures.

We made everything safe, then waited!

I wouldn't knit specific clothes, buy maybe squares to make into a special blanket?

Italiangreyhound · 08/09/2018 19:10

but maybe squares...

Mynamenotaccepted · 08/09/2018 20:33

I met our son at his delivery, I was a midwife from SCBU attending his birth as it was a difficult birth. Six weeks later it was apparent his birth parents were not prepared to take him home as he had Down Syndrome. From that point he was our son, how cocky was I.
Well when he was 10 months old he moved in. He is now 38 and with his sister's who are the light of her lives!
To answer your question I was buying him clothes while still in hospital, daft I know but I could not help it.
Do not think this will help you but it still makes me smile.
Good luck.

Mommatocub · 30/09/2018 22:28

I 'prepared' my spare room with neutral colours but didnt start buying until I was approved. And even then it was only a few things that were suitable for the age range I was looking for (0-6 years). It wasn't until it got closer to matching that I started to buy things personally for my little boy.
I only wish I hadn't bought so much in my excitement as I was gifted alot of things from family/friends/colleagues and had things given to me also. Remember that if the child/ren are coming from foster care, they will more than likely come with alot of belongings of their own (you can then start to add your own taste of clothings, new toys etc over time).
There are other things you can do in your home to prepare for a new child which can be exciting knowing you're doing it for your future child.
Buying books, toiletries, puzzles, things that are not specific to age is good too.
Personally it didn't feel real to me until he was home, even during introductions I found it hard to believe it was happening for me. Enjoy the journey.
Good luck!

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