Adoption Introductions

[Littlevicky]

I've been matched with a 6 month baby boy - beyond happy and excited. Can people tell me about how their introductions went and how long they lasted, particularly with a baby? Mine start in just over a week...x

Congratulations!

We had 10 day intros with a 14 month old - they were brilliant but incredibly tiring. Lots of driving backwards and forwards between home and FC's house. Emotionally draining

Prepare yourself to be shattered. Dont' think about doing anything else (no, you won't be going to your friend's birthday drinks, or using the Prom tickets you got earlier in the year, or getting round to sorting out your holiday photos)

Get lots of food in - ready meals (bought or home prepared) that you can jsut put in the microwave

@OlennasWimple

Can you give me an idea why it is so exhausting?

(apart from hassle factor etc)

Massive congratulations!

I’m still in matching at the moment so not my own experience but my friends have their baby home now who was under 1 also and their intros were 2 weeks. 1 week at the foster carers house and 1 week at theirs where the foster carer stayed nearby and slowly withdrew. They said it was tiring and they found the feelings of being “watched” difficult, but everything went very smoothly and has gone from strength to strength now they are home.

Best of luck

It’s exhausting physically and emotionally. Physically, the demands of travelling back and forth to fister carers, actively caring for the child, being “on” all the time - trying to get it right for the child while not really knowing what you’re doing.

Emotionally, you’ve got your own feelings of joy, anxiety, excitement, terror, anticipation and loss; you’ve also got the foster carers emotions which do impact (they were very distressed at my DC leaving and I was very aware or and sensitive to that); you’ve also got the DC feelings too - which at such a tiny age may show in all kinds of ways. This is the culmination of a very long journey and there’s a lot riding on intros going well.

I cried a lot, slept as much as I could and was very glad when the DC finally came home to us.

The whole thing is just so random, isn't it. Haven't given it much thought yet as we are still in stage 2. Just seems so judgemental having to put on a show in a stranger's house then having said stranger's to yours. Good luck etc

Topcat

I am a foster carer and just thought I'd try to put you at ease but also give another point of view

I was very nervous throughout introductions, I wanted to do the right thing for both parents and the child I was caring for.

I was never judgmental and only ever tried to help. It was quite bizarre for me to have strangers in my house and I so wanted them to now that I had tired my best for their child and also to pass on that she had been truly loved and cared for whilst here and wasn't just another name in the system.

We are also inviting strangers into our home, and whilst we are asked to comment on how we felt it is going I would never be judgmental only ever try to be supportive to the child's needs.

I am very lucky in that I have stayed in touch with the adoptive parents and still receive photos of the child which make me smile and I value so much

When the baby can she was very very young and left later after a year it was hard and when she left I sobbed and sobbed and grieved for the baby.

Their are foster carers out there who are in this for the wrong reason but most of hope will be both excited for you and emotional (it's a privilege to be a part of the start of a new families lives but also a very sad loss for the foster carer at times and feels a bit like grief as we loose a child that whilst is not out we love like ours.

Foster carers should help you with smells routine etc and remember we are just people x

@sparklyandhungover - thanks!

Adoption is quite possibly the oddest journey I have been on - and of course hardly anyone else in real life has any idea (unlike BC when everyone does).

Thanks for what you do, BTW :)

Congratulations!
We have done it twice, each time with a 7.5 month old.
First time it was local and went very smoothly. Day one was quick visit, days 2 and 3 gradually taking over more of the care, day 4 visit our house and days 5 and 6 all day with us at our house. Placement first thing day 7.

The second time it was at the other end of the country and with a toddler, so we had to stay in a hotel and return for toddler's sleep during the day. After three days the FC travelled to our area and stayed with LO in a hotel. Again, placement was day 7 first thing.

We learnt to be very honest and open with FC about their expectations and 'house rules'. This way, we sorted out meals, drinks, when to handover LO's clothes etc and any alterations to the day to day plan SW had devised without any problems. Have stayed in touch with both FCs.

Agree with the others. It's one of the most exhausting things I've ever done. I am used to working long days teaching teenagers with SEN and then coming home and lesson planning/marking all evening. That was a walk in the park compared with intros! Mentally and physically it is draining (especially when, as with our second lot of intros, things dont go to plan). With DS1, it was a week before Xmas which didnt help matters!

Thanks for all the comments - really helpful. Did your babies get very distressed at the transfer of care from the FCs to you? That’s what I’m most worried about!

Hi. First of all congratulations!!
I'm slightly ahead of you and my baby girl had been with me now for coming up 4 weeks. She's slightly older (11 months)
My introductions lasted 2 weeks. Week 1 all at foster carer house and week 2 all at my house. By the time she moved here she had already taken naps in my cot and had a bath at my house and was used to the surroundings. There was no stress seen at all. She seems to have settled really well and is at ease in her new surroundings.
As the pps have said, get the food shop done get everything prepped before introductions start. It's tiring both physically and mentally.
Take loads of notes about silly little things like shampoo brands - anything that will be a recognisable smell.
Enjoy it!

Our FC were wonderful - so friendly and welcoming, and it was obvious that they loved our DC. It was still very odd being in a strangers home almost full time for a week - you can't ever relax properly.

The only time that DD cried when she was leaving FC's house was the very last time when she moving to us permanently. (We had taken her on lots of day trips by that point, and over to our house for a couple of visits) She "knew" that something was happening to her, even if she couldn't tell what. About two weeks into her living with us permanently she broke down and sobbed inconsolably on my shoulder - I've never heard a baby cry like that before or since. I firmly believe that she was grieving her FC

Aww how old was she when she came to you?

Did your babies get very distressed at the transfer of care from the FCs to you? That’s what I’m most worried about!

That's what we worried about too. Ironically, I ended up posting online as I was worried that they'd not shown signs of distress!

With DS1, he's apparently just 'naturally laid back' (though I suspect he has attachment issues which will be more apparent as he gets older so am pushing for support for him). The only signs we had were he became very (very!) constipated and also had a heavy cold a few days after placement (he'd never been ill before and was nearly 8 months).

DD1 was the same age, and like DS, didnt show obvious signs of distress but did (and still does) need lots of reassurance/cuddles at night. She had a much more committed FC and it shows in that her attachment style is more secure than DS's, despite her only being here for four months (she's wary of strangers but now accepting of us; looks to us for reassurance).

I know it's easy for me to say, but try not to over think things at this point. Be as prepared as you can be (gets loads of meals frozen ready for intros!) but dont be surprised if you're up til the early hours during intros frantically searching online for things you've forgotten to buy when you cant sleep!

Littlevicky - LO was 14 months at intros

Thank you - there’s so much to think about isn’t there. And like someone commented, most people don’t get it and just give advice from their perspective as a birth parent. This thread has been so useful to me and I love hearing other people’s stories. You can’t help but think the worst sometimes! Apparently my boy is well attached to his FCs which is good so I’m anticipating the transition being difficult for him but often children are more resilient than their adults think. I’ve been a foster Carer for a few years so have seen this. Thanks everyone - I need to get washing those muslins so I can sleep with them on me ready to give him each day!! X

Are you in touch with the F.C. already or will there be a meeting with them before intros? If so, find out if there’s anything your son will need either straight away or soon after eg. Clothes-wise so you can prepare. DS only came with one pair of PJs that fitted and DD came with wardrobes full but F.C. advised us her coat and vests were almost too small. It was great to get these in advance and gave me something to do to feel useful - nesting, I guess!

Also find out if there’s anything in the foster home he’s attached to which won’t be coming with him (we bought a Jumperoo and a particular cot mobile from Gumtree so that he had what he was used to).

Few other things which might help:

I found it helpful to have a pre intros meeting with our HV so she knew the situation and us before we met DS. We also registered DD with our GP before intros (we just showed birth certificate a week later). The reason we did this is DS had needed to see a doctor on the actual day of placement (he had an ear infection and cold) and having to fill in loads of forms at the same time was a real faff and very stressful for him and us.

We are preparing for introductions this week and this thread is really useful.

@sparklyandhungover - that’s really useful as of course the FC has their own worries. Likely they have been sorting belongings, cleaning their own house and preparing for us to perhaps judge the work they have down so far on our children. That’s really helped put my mind at rest as of course there’s is two sides of this to consider.

One thing I’m wondering is how it works with arranging food/drinks whilst at the FC house. I’m guessing we should be contributing and making sure she is not out of pocket. I’m guessing insisting won’t offend her!

I too am Wondering (worrying!) about the distress but hoping we will be able to help them through this as time progresses!!

I’ve had lots of contact with F.C. which has been helpful. I know his routune and what he likes already x

In my experience they went out to eat when the baby slept some with older children eat with the foster carers but either take food or are fed by the carers.

Most meet the carers first, this is a good time to ask, also ask about smells soap powers shampoos etc. You could also ask what will be coming with the baby /children as I think ours were surprised at home much she already had.

Good luck to all.

Congratulations to you also @lalalands hope the next week / couple of weeks goes really well for you

@sparklyandhungover what a lovely and useful post, thank you for sharing.

I'd honestly be very, very worried if a child not distressed during the handover of carein some way. They should have formed an attachment and they should mourn its loss. Immediate transfer of affection would ring alarm bells about attachment problems for me.
It is exhausting. Mentally. Def do ready meals. Buy a couple of packs of microwave veg too.