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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Well, that was fun...

11 replies

Smokez83 · 21/08/2018 18:38

Hey there, just looking for advice/experience. Me and DW are looking at adoption and had the first house visit today. We've both been left feeling, quite frankly, like crap. Not necessarily the SW fault to be fair, I get that they have a job to do and we are being judged for our suitability as adopters. But now we both feel like it went really badly, and that we won't be recommended to even begin stage 1... Is this normal? We hope it wasn't as bad as it feels like and maybe we're anxious about it, and making mountains out of nothing, never mind molehills!

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Ted27 · 21/08/2018 18:50

why do you feel it went badly ?

I think its quite usual to build things up in your head and the reality of the process brings you down.

It probably didn't go as poorly as you think. Good luck !

Original poster
Smokez83 · 21/08/2018 18:59

Thanks! I don't know really. It just felt like they picked holes in everything, which I get is the job, but it's left both of us feeling very inadequate. I want to say this is normal, as you say, anxiety over the process, the feeling of being judged etc. But was wondering about others experiences and if this is normal.

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Original poster
Smokez83 · 21/08/2018 19:26

Re-creating this, I suppose some background helps. I'm forces, live in Portsmouth area UK, currently based in London but likely I'll be based in Faslane, Scotland around a year away. I am looking at leaving, within 3 - 5 years I'll be out of the forces and working closer to home. We have a fair few animals, mostly rescues, and DW has gotten very attached to them. We knew before hand that our animals would bring up questions and have discussed the issue but decided to cross the bridge when we get to it. They seem to be the main things we feel went badly, but also that every answer was wrong. I guess part of that is second guessing ourselves and trying to decide if we face the right answers? I kinda feel I'm rambling here... Lol!

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Original poster
Smokez83 · 21/08/2018 19:27

That should be re-reading not re-creating...

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clairedelalune · 21/08/2018 19:44

I doubt it went as badly as you think; i spent a lot of time thinking it hadn't gone well.
Re the animals. They have to be 100% sure that you will put the child first. My social worker told me a story of adopters who had a child placed with them and their dog. The child developed allergies to the dog. It was the child who went, not the dog- needless to say social services cannot allow that to happen again. They gave to be sure that you would get rid of the animals if necessary.

Original poster
Smokez83 · 21/08/2018 19:54

Hey clairedelalune, thanks for the reply! Yeah, I can understand that, and I do get the points they're raising, it's hard not to! But kinda makes you feel like crap... I get that if you go forward and you adopt then the child has to come first. They've had a bad enough start to their lives as it is!! And we would love nothing more than to provide a home for them. It's a very daunting process and the SW wasn't rude about it all. Just feel deflated and wondering if we'll be accepted for stage 1. We can't have kids and as I saw someone post about how bad it would feel to fail at adoption too and I can completely relate to that!

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Ted27 · 21/08/2018 20:56

which agency are you using?

angelolsen · 21/08/2018 22:10

I think the main takeaway I got from your post is that your immediate future looks a little unsettled (with the moving locations / changing jobs, etc)... and social workers are looking for a very stable, settled environment for children to thrive in because they have all come from chaos.

But that said, social workers also WANT to help people become adopters - they need as many suitable families as possible because there are so many children looking for homes.

Worst case scenario: if the social worker comes back to you with feedback then I suppose you need to work out how prepared you are to compromise to do their suggestions. Their changes will be (or at least should be) in your potential child / childrens best interests. They wouldn't suggest them otherwise. And they wouldn't have done a home visit if they didn't think you were a viable family for them.

This process is long and emotionally draining and you have to be resilient. Try not to take it personally (hard, I know!) and remember to take it day by day, too. It sounds like you want this a lot, and that will have come across to the social worker. Really, they want to help you do this, but they have to be so very careful too.

Good luck - keep us updated.

Original poster
Smokez83 · 22/08/2018 05:10

Thank you for the replies! Ted27, we're using our LA.

Angelolsen yeah, as I say, I can completely understand why the SW asked the questions etc and their view on it all. As you say, it's hard not to take it personally despite the fact that we know it's not.

Thank you all for your messages! We'll keep you up to date. Fingers crossed it really didn't go as bad as we felt. I guess, being at the start of this process and knowing there's a long, emotional road ahead has perhaps made us think it's gone worse than it did. Guess we'll see!

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Ted27 · 22/08/2018 08:50

Did you know about SSFA? They might be more supportive of you.

Original poster
Smokez83 · 22/08/2018 11:09

Ted27 yeah, I've looked at them and it will be a case of see what LA say. But thank you for the advice! Smile

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