stupid question

[whatistheneed]

Hey everyone,
This is an extremely stupid question:DH and I are thinking of adopting but after watching some Youtube videos DH is a bit freaked out over all the paper work involved (he has anxiety). Especially the one form where you have to fill out everything you want in a child; age, gender, race, ability etc. Because of this video: and he says each box he chooses not to tick, is a child's hope of getting a family shattered. Can anyone tell me about this form? If there are any examples of it and was it hard filling it out? Thank you!

no such thing as a stupid question in adoption land.

There are many many children out there looking for families, what's important in that they find the right family.

There is nothing wrong in having a preference for a girl or a boy, or a particular age range. Its important to be clear about what additional needs you can manage. Everyone is different and has different skills and experience to offer. My son was nearly 8 when he came home, perfect for me, but not for many families. No way did I want a baby. I haven't denied any child a home and family, I did find the right one for me and thats what the form is all about really. At some point you have to make a choice about the child you will adopt - this is the start of that process - and I think its the toughest.

Although at this stage 'the child' is a bit of an abstract concept, the child who will one day be yours may not even be born or be in the care system yet.

The thing is, if you say 'yes' to a condition you can't cope with, then the adoption won't turn out successful.
Understanding your limits is very important in adoption.

One of ours was 'able to attend mainstream school' and another was 'expect to be able to have an independent adult life'. With hindsight I am very clear these were right for us.

Also when we did our 'tick list' there were 3 columns I think - yes, no, and discuss. So e.g. sight difficulties could be anything from blind to needs glasses. There were actually very few things we said an outright 'no' to.

It is much more damaging for a child to be placed in a family and that placement later breakdown, than remain in the system a bit longer.
It is very important you are honest on that form. You aren't rejecting a child you are looking for the right child for your family.

We filled it out with our social worker. I found it hard. I kept saying yes to everything. She kept saying, ‘no, you don’t want that’ and ticking the no box.

(She was totally right and we all knew it, and she knew us well enough and we trusted her enough that this was okay.)

No stupid questions. Not asking questions is the stupid thing to do!
I get where your husband is coming from - what a soft hearted lovely man. But....
He needs to remember that this whole process is not about finding you a child but finding a parent for a child in care. You get approved then you go into the pool of waiting people. There are many many people waiting - and for every box you don't tick there are many who do. So he shouldn't beat himself up.
Secondly - you need to provide a rock steady base. It's going to be wonderful but it's going to be tough. You HAVE to know yourself and know what you can cope with. That's part of where all the interviews come in - they're helping you to understand yourselves.
What is your DH doing about his anxiety? (Not asking you to answer that on here.) If nothing - you'll get plus points if he gets help now. If he shows he recognises a weakness and can ask for help. (Adopters who want to pretend everything is ok are a bit of a liability).

The journey is quite long, but ultimately you need to pick what works for you.

When we get to that point, we are quite clear - we want to be parents (again) and not carers.

Others, who I think of as proper saints, may find themselves able to take children on with more complex known needs. But I shall not be beating myself up about that either.

Do you think your DH might need some counselling before starting on the process? It requires a strong stomach - that list isn't the worst thing he'll see.

When it comes to matching, you'll read detailed profiles of children available for adoption, including some of the detail of the neglect and/or abuse they'll have suffered. You may end up saying no to one or more of these children (for all the reasons people have said about about the child needing to be the right match for you). Is he going to be ok with that?