Positivity needed - tell me something lovely

[CabbagePatchCheryl]

Hi all. DH and I are in the very early stages of our adoption journey (have had 3 SW meetings and are going on our prep course in the next few weeks) and, whilst I wouldn't say I am having cold feet, I am definitely in the stage where you are really facing up to the realities. Not that I was particularly naive going in, but I'm really digging into available information and stories and at times feeling quite negative as different possibilities swirl around my head (do we want an older child? but what about the trauma? do we want a baby or even FtA? but then what about fetal alcohol or other hidden permanent issues?etc etc etc).

Sorry, I'm not explaining this very well - I guess it's just the process everyone will have been through of coming to terms with the fact that children are adopted for a reason and that reason is always serious and will have repercussions. And it all feels a bit frightening and rollercoastery as we work through it.

To counterbalance all the worries, would you be willing to share something lovely about your adoptions? Something that made you take the leap? Or would have made you take the leap if you had known about it at the time? I need a little positivity booster so I don't get totally bogged down.... TIA x

Hi there. I'm at a similar stage to you on my adoption journey.

Yes, all children are up for adoption for a reason. But I think it's important to remember that these children are more than the issues they've experienced in their short lives, and the ongoing issues that will continually be with them (be it attachment issues, trauma, foetal alcohol, being born with addiction, etc).

As prospective adoptive parents we are undoubtedly better equipped than those who will become biological parents. We may not be responsible for what has come before us, but we can provide knowing some of the issues the children already have or may have in the future. Biological parents don't have this.

For example, I have biological parents and I have ongoing emotional and physical issues. Yet I am more than those. I choose not to define myself by those. And I think it's unfair to define adopted children as such. At the moment we're only looking at profiles of children. We're not seeing all the good bits as we prepare for the bad. And it's important to remember there WILL be good bits if the match is right.

Wishing you well on your journey.

Congratulations on starting the process. I think this is quite normal and know I experienced the same. I can’t speak for myself just yet on the experience of adopting, not having our match confirmed / kids home yet, but for me any remaining anxiety around this disappeared when we starting looking at photos, videos, reading about kids and attending activity days, we started genuinely just seeing the children not the reports.

Also head further down to a thread called “tell me something lovely about your DC” which has some real heart warmers

All the best to you

I was terrified throughout the whole process, convinced we would end up with a pre-school aged child who would have significant difficulties and it would be too hard (I don't mean this to sound crass at all- I will explain in a bit...)

We got a baby. Beautiful, perfectly healthy, no neglect or abuse. On paper he is absolutely the perfect child (even SWs told us he was almost a "poster boy"). It's still hard but it's just very much normal every day hard parenting. 8 months in and apart from a few hard weeks at the start we are very much a "normal family".

Back to my earlier comment- we are very aware that issues will likely present themselves as he gets older. He could be extremely difficult to parent. We don't know. But right now we don't care because he is our son and we love him so much and we will deal with whatever life throws at us.

11 years in, with two teens. Recent 3 years have been a bit of a struggle, but we've had lovely times as a family. I loved day to day things like walking the DDs to school at primary. So proud when DD1 did a reading at the carol service in y4, when DD2 had a good part in y6 leavers production, when DD1 got her GCSE results. Lovely watching them grow and develop, with different interests and abilities to us.

DD2 (2.5) is currently sat on my head refusing to go to bed. She alternates cuddles with announcements of 'love you mummy, love you daddy and love my sister'.

The best thing about adopting is having kids. It is also the hardest thing, whether your kids are healthy or not. The process itself pales in comparison.

I’m a year into placement with two older kids, yes all the uncertainty is there and I think nerves at your stage is quite normal.

Hearing my daughter say that she loves a photo we have of “her family”, watching my boy read with his daddy, hearing his teacher tell me how he told her how happy he is with his new family more than offsets the challenges we’ve faced.

@Purplemac - good to hear :)

My adoption story is different to most for a number of reasons but to cut a very long story short my youngest dd was placed in my care the day she was born with birth mum consent.
She was born addicted, hospitalised for weeks, has FASD, GDD and a quickly developed a seizure disorder......but she is amazing. Mama is her absolute favourite word closely followed by Em which is her name for my ds1 and she worships the ground he walks on.
Her latest skill is to play football and she makes her brother goal keep though he spends all his time pretending she scored as her coordination is so bad she never quite gets a straight kick. It's both cute and hilarious and she shrieks with laughter. She's the happiest child ever. But in the early days I was petrified, some days I still am.
A few weeks ago we went to the beach my eldest dd (adopted) my two birth sons and my youngest dd were all splashing about in the shallows and I just took a moment to see how bloody spectacular they are.
Yes it's hard, it's been very hard.
But we are a proper little mismatched, happy, slightly crazy team and I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Moments like that make it all worth while.

Six years in and we have the most beautiful, feisty, confident fun little girl. The first few months were hard, but she has made our life complete. Life is so much better with her in it.

She was under 1 when she arrived and had some uncertainty about her health and development. None of which transpired. Yes there have been ups and downs, tears and frustration but it all pales into insignificance - I am in awe of her most days.

Our ds was 2 when he came home. We were told no issues at all.
He has fasd adhd and attachment issued but he is our son.
He's 6 now and to him and to us we are family and that's it. We have family hug with me dh ds and dd and they're wonderful.
You start off thinking "my adopted son/daughter" and then it's just "my ds/dd" and that matters more than anything

Well despite being a very old adoptive mum, 8 in all our eldest 3 now adults with Down Syndrome have decided to put 2 pounds a week in a jar to give to the people who live on the streets (their words). They are so thoughtful they choke me up.

DS has a Aquired Brain Injury age 3 Month's now age 4. Has had a positive recovery learning too talk ,sign, and walk, has been a very brave young man, Has a smile for every one love him too bits a real cheeky chappy , Has surpassed all professional expectations, is still in recovery. Start's new school Sept , love him too bit's.

Single adopter here with a now 12 (nearly 13) year old adopted around 1. Executive processing problems, anxiety, phobias and was underperforming at school. Transition to secondary school has been... ummm... interesting.

BUT

He has more guts and heart than anyone I've ever come across and he makes me so proud (almost) every day but the big things are:

My mum died early this yer, DS was very close to her and stood up at her funeral (only just 12 at the time) and gave a eulogy that brought everyone to tears.

He has really faced up to his problems this year, has been able to access the support school and CAMHS have provided for him and at our EHCP review meeting the head of SEN for the school said "at Xmas we told you that I wasn't sure D would ever be able to access the curriculum at a big mainstream comprehensive school, well no-one would say that now. He is the success story of the school this year".

He has been selected for the "Brilliant Programme" for history which identifies children who are particularly high acheiving in a particular subject and will be going to Cambridge next term to present his essay with the rest of the group.

He has been known to apologise for not being a more perfect child but as I pointed out - what would be the point of parenting the perfect child, you are just about irrelevant as a parent!

I love the bones of him and can't imagine who I would be now if he had never been in my life..

Also have DD now an Adult born with full FAS FASD. Lots of issues weighed in at 1lb 12 oz., central nervous system dysfunctions, hole in her heart , skeletal issues, sensory, and lots more.
Is now a cheery young adult, she drives , is in full time employment and just bought her 1st house. Will always have fas fasd A LIFE TIME DISABILITY. but enjoys life too the full., on no benefits.

Its all about love understanding and parenting , do not let conditions cloud
any thing, all children are different as is their recovery some will progress sadly some may not.

Hi I just wanted to jump in and say im adopted and couldn’t of asked for a better mum and dad xx
I also have an adopted brother who stole my thunder when he arrived but we are best of friends and are both happy adults xx
We have nothing to do with our biological parents , I know mine but wish I had never looked to be honest xx
If you had a natural pregnancy you have the chance of thousands of conditions and even labour complications that could effect the baby so don’t think to hard about that as your having the same anxieties as a pregnant mother .
I have 3 kids , my middle having a genetic rare form of epilepsy which happens when sperm hits the egg and my baby I had by emergency section because she was stuck and ended up with paralysed arm but it’s all came good .
I wish you soooo much luck on getting a baby but I feel there’s so many kids out there needing loved and the older kids will come with issues I’m sure but nothing stability and unconditional love won’t fix xxx
I wish everyone and there kids happy days for the future xxxx

CabbagePatchCheryl Our son is 8 and has been with us over 4 years, he came at 3. He is the cutest, funnies, bravest, cleverest boy I have ever met. We have a birth dd who is on the spectrum and I adore her too, but she can be hard to parent at times.

We knew our son was right when we read his details, before seeing a picture.

If this is right for you, keep going.

"...coming to terms with the fact that children are adopted for a reason ..." The reasons children are taken into care are rarely if ever about them, so although adopted children

sorry... so although adopted children may be dealing with the fallout etc, the good news is these kids are often amazing but have had a hard start.

If you are not sure about baby or older child you could explore that in-between stage, 3 is a lovely age!

We are approved to adopt and currently going through the matching process. This is such a great thread and gives a little insight into the many challenges but also positives of adopting.

I waved DD off to school this morning with a 'love you!', 'love you too!' and suddenly remembered what mornings were like 5 or 6 years ago - a complete battlefield, DD having rages over breakfast, over her socks 'not feeling right' etc

For all her quirks she is a lovely, kind, generous, humorous girl, with a strong sense of right and wrong, but always the first to forgive.

Just jumping back on here so you don't think I OP'd (?) and ran - thanks so SO much for all the replies - I have read and loved them all.

DH and I are now on day 3 of our prep course and even though a lot of it is talking about all the potential pitfalls, we are managing to remember that at the root of it, there are real children with all their special, unique, joyful traits. Sometimes we've had to work at it (e.g. on the day we spent looking at different forms and effects of abuse, we came home and watched Find Me a Family to sort of refocus on actual kids) but we're definitely still positive and more determined than ever that this is right for us. Oh and also massively helped by the fact that there is a super-experienced couple of foster carers also on the course who are actual superheroes and have told us the most wonderful stories. They are so encouraging.

Still loads of things to think about, question, and wrap our heads round but feeling loads better than I was when I posted. Thanks all. xx

We are 6 years in. My daughters are 11 and 12 now and are doing great by any standard.

When we met our daughters for the first time, my then 6 year old flew into my arms and breathed "Mummy!" into my ear with a voice of total relief. She saw adoption as her ticket to happiness and it has stayed like that. She wanted to be picked up from school by her mummy and not her foster carer (though her fc was lovely), she wanted a family like everyone else and she understood that adoption would offer that.

I would make the leap time and time again. I will be eternally grateful to our sw for choosing us to be our daughters' parents.