4th Letterbox - to tell or not to tell

[Oliviarose51012]

October 5 2017 saw the arrival of my second daughter born 5 years and 5 hours after my first, who was later taken for adoption. I am in two minds to tell or not, she may know already because my ex girlfriend, the adopted childs mother may have blabbed. I am not sure how much to share if I do. If I do/dont start will it be constant demands for more information? Will I still have to make do with the scraps I get?
SS involved with my second daughter will likely be out of our hair by Christmas, already satisfied I am not a threat to my second daughter, we are just going through the motions, dotting I's and crossing T's.
i am not keen to share news while the information we as a family get feels like it is a chore, I do not trust it because it is restricted to the written word, that feels so empty and makes things feel worse. it is obvious we dont count for much and we are supposed to feel grateful for any scrap we are tossed as birthparents. Knowing they know all the details of the events and knowing they have been lied to and they are quick to believe the lies. The adopters refusal to meet with us screams those thoughts to us. . Photos promised would have helped, they could have been done in such a way to give no clues, but she refused, she changed her mind and were not allowed anything apart form the written letters that feel gloating, rubbing our noses into the loss. We were conned into sending sensitive and personal photos for her to tell my daughters story, which we didn't mind to do, but now we have doubts about what that story will now be.

How important is it that Adopter knows about the half sister? What good will it do to know that her half sister will be told why she was taken and be told the same if they meet.

My second daughter will be made aware of a half sister and the circumstances that made her adoption happen. She will know I never harmed her, but we know who did and she will be told.
I have no guarantee I will be sought out, but my daughter needs to be prepared the 'truth' she grew up with is not the whole story. Is her knowing this worth it?

Hi. You may have done this on purpose, but your user name and details in the post are pretty identifying if the adopter of your first daughter happen to be on here. You can use the 'report post' to get MN to delete it if you have second thoughts.

I think what you are asking is whether you should tell your elder daughter about your new baby? I would think only when you are completely clear of SS and there can be a narrative of why you have been allowed to keep your second child when you weren't allowed to keep your first. But you are also saying you dispute the circumstances of your first's removal I think, so I can see that will be hard. So I really have no idea what would be best for your first child.

re Letters. We adoptive parents often really struggle to know what tone to put in them. We often want to reassure that the child is safe and happy and having a good life, but don't want to come over as 'gloaty', but I think it is a difficult balance, especially as you sound still very upset about it all.

I expect someone much more helpful will be along in a while.

I'd agree with waiting until matters with SW are concluded.

Its very difficult for everyone involved but maybe try and think of it in terms of what your elder daugher needs to know, not what the adopter needs to know.

Firstly, congratulations on the arrival of your second daughter, I hope she brings you and your family peace and great happiness.

Whether you tell your first child's adopters or not can only be decided by you but I suspect they already know.

Regarding letterbox, In your position I would try to focus entirely on the needs and best interests of your eldest daughter...what would be most helpful for her? How will it feel for her in years to come reading the letterbox contact from you with this information omitted? It doesn't have to be a big announcement or dramatic in any way, just a simple sentence in the letter stating her arrival and that she's doing well, and then back to the focus of the letter...your eldest daughter.

As an adopter, I would want to know solely for the purpose of giving my child as much information as I could to prepare her for the future and certainly wouldn't be hounding you for more information/photos etc. I mean this kindly but beyond thinking about how I could support my child with this information and quietly wishing you and your family well, I really wouldn't be giving it a second thought.

Best wishes whatever you decide to do.

Our DC's birth mother told us via letterbox when she was pregnant and when the baby had been born. DC sent the baby a small gift. I'm very glad that we are in a position where we are able to do this

Letter posted- no news- wait til next year to see what is said about requests and go from there Thank you.

Congratulations on your new baby.

I can only echo what others have said.

If either of our son's birth parents had a new baby I would want to be able to share the news with ds for his sake. I would be wishing the new parents and new baby well.

Letter box contact gives us a chance to hear more about the birth family of our child.it is so important and feels like a privilege.

We really wanted to meet our son's birth parents but understood it was too hard for them, so far.

It's clearly still very raw and difficult for you. I'm a birth mum too and I can't imagine what parents in the care system go through. But please hang on in there with letter box and make sure your second daughter knows about everything in age appropriate ways.

The photos you gave over are really for your daughter not the adoptive parents. We have birth photos of our son, we are lucky, but really they are his photos and for him.

All best wishes

My daughter's birth mother had a second child when my daughter was 8 years old. My daughter was delighted to have a half-brother, but also concerned (she remembers her time in her birth family). Now, 4 years later, she still has all the photos of her little brother up in her bedroom (I wished we had more) and loves him very much. From the start she had a mix of emotions ranging from "why can he stay with my birth family when I couldn't?" to "is he safe?" and "can we adopt him to keep him safe?". She would be deeply hurt and upset if she hadn't known that she has a little brother. He is very important for her, even though they have never met.

I guess my children's birth family could feel about my letters the way you feel about yours. I am doing this to try to give them the chance to be proud of their birth children's achievements, to take part in their lives from afar and to enable them to write back referring to the events in their lives. I am trying to have a dialogue with their birth family. I am also trying to show their birth family that we love the children very much, that they are well cared for and that they don't need to worry about their well-being.