Scare to fail at adoption as well

[hopefu1L]

I am at the very early stages of considering if adoption is right for us.
We have wanted our own child but not been able to due to infertility. I feel I am ready to give up on the IVF process.
I've done a small amount of research into adoption and having been through ivf and not been successful, the first thing that strikes me is that you could not be successful at adoption too!
Would you get rejected? Could the social workers or foster parents not like you? I feel like the whole process will be incredibly stressful just like ivf has been and I'm a bit scared about putting myself through another difficult process that could fail?
I know this may sound a bit pathetic, it's just because I'm still a bit raw from the ivf. I know I will need to wait before I start the adoption process as I need to be fully accepting that I won't have a biological child.
Did anyone else worry about this?

Yes- in exactly the same place. 5 failed IVFs and stopped fertility treatment in January. We have our initial meeting with social workers on Monday to discuss possible adoption. We know nothing about the process or pitfalls, but hopefully after Monday we will be better informed.

I’m also terrified of going through the process and being rejected.

Hi OP, the thing with adoption is the journey is generally long - so you have plenty time to sort out your feelings and work on stuff.

Nothing happens overnight.

We will finish stage two in November which will be a year since we started. Don't worry too much about all the abbreviations you will hear.

It takes a while to get used to the whole idea too. We have an 11 y/o daughter already - but even so we had to adjust to not having another 'birth' child.

Adoption is not a 'replacement', it is just different.

Having said that, I get where you are coming from on the failure part. I am generally fairly high achieving in my professional life - and have had some less than glowing interactions with the 'state' over this - and confidence takes a knock. The thing is, if we get as far as being adoptive parents, we will need resilience and strength, so I like to think of the whole process as a test.

Unlike a pregnancy, where (ideally) the outcome happens come what may - adoption is a bit stop/start, and that can be disconcerting.

I remember our first social worker (we are on our third now) telling us "Do not put your life on hold" - and I wholeheartedly agree.

Good luck, and keep coming back to this board - you will find it a help.

But, as well as that, try to remember to have a life too :)

Thanks for the advice. It's a very daunting process! One step at a time, I guess x

The adoption process is tough, and rightly so. But I would do it ten times over rather than another round of IVF. In all honesty there were many parts that DH and I actually enjoyed and it felt good to take back control and look forwards again. It's a totally different experience. Looking back I can't believe we put ourselves through fertility treatment for so long. Adoption can be a long process for lots of people, but not for all. It took us 10 months from our first meeting with our VA to bringing our children home, and there were others in our prep groups with similar time scales to ours (there were also others that took a lot longer)! Good luck whatever you decide. You already know that you are made of tough stuff.

I had four very stressful rounds of IVF and a miscarriage before we adopted.

We spent a year coming to terms with our grief after the miscarriage before deciding to apply to local adoption team.

Once we started the adoption process it was like a weight had lifted from our shoulders. I suddenly felt more in control of my life than I had done during the 10 years we had been TTC.

I didn't feel the process to be intrusive at all but I've always been a very open person.

I really enjoyed the preparation workshops and learned so much about the process and the different issues children face.

The only stressful part I found was between being matched with our DC and the placement happening. Once you have seen photos of your child you just want them there and then so the waiting time , which for us was 3 months ,seems like an eternity!

We had a very positive and enjoyable adoption journey and met many good friends along the way. Meeting other couples who were in the same boat as us was very helpful and we are still friends with them all many years later as we continue to support each other through tricky times.