How do we start being a fun family again??

[Chicklette]

Hi, I’m wondering if I should get some outside help/support for my son but I’m not really sure who to go to- GP etc?

Also, I am definitely becoming less ‘playful parent’ and a lot more cross, grumpy, stressed parent and could do with a bit of gentle advice on how to get us back on track. Both my kids behaviour is pretty full on- very energetic, pretty defiant, quite fun but bloody hard work!

I have 2 kids, 6 and almost 7. Adopted eldest DS at about 18 months. They were in foster care since birth. Apart from adopting 2 at the same time, it’s been a relatively ‘easy’ adoption although both kids are definitely on the lively side! DS was (obviously) traumatised when we got him and we worked really hard at attachment etc and they both present as pretty average kids, DS is doing well at school, has friends etc.

However, he has always had a bit of trouble regulating his emotions. Often he is fine but usually I am relatively tense, waiting for him to get a bit too silly or to ‘accidentally’ hit his sibling by getting too excited etc. He often gets really over excited, swings from happy to angry, self sabotages situations, particularly bedtime and kind of provokes a situation that escalates and escalates till eventually he looses it, I often(eventually) get pretty cross he cries, we hug and talk it out and he goes to sleep.

He has learned to read, do maths etc, he can focus pretty well on toys and Lego, does great imaginary play, is empathetic, has no problems at school. As I’ve said he is very energetic, never tires, is great at sports, running etc but sleeps well too.

The thing is, as he gets older, I think his inability to regulate is becoming less age appropriate. So as other kids mature, he is still a bit OTT, is probably becoming less regulated at bed time, more fearful, less able to manage an exciting situation without getting way too silly etc. Kids still like him but do find him a bit full on and he doesn’t really have an off switch.

Ok I’ve rambled I’m quite a lot. Thanks for listening- if you are still reading!

I guess the advice I’m asking for is- since he is fine at school, is this just about me and my partners shit parenting?? To put it into context, I am very much the main parenting figure, partner struggles with life in general and is going through a rough patch.

Could there be something medical going on? I suppose I think of ADHD or something but although he is like the energiser bunny, he is also pretty good at focusing and is fine at school.

Is it attachment based? I read loads when we first adopted but now I’m so knackered I’ve probably forgotten most stuff!

To put it into perspective, we present as a normal happy family but there is always a bit of tension simmering underneath as I feel like I can never relax as DS will often just take stuff too far.

Thanks again

I recognise a lot of what you say in my experience with my DD. I’d say definitely seek post adoption support. It really helped me and DD. I did a therapeutic parenting course first which was run by the LA. Tbh I was a bit sceptical as to how helpful it would be but it turned out to be excellent, lots of in depth stuff on attachment that was really really useful. Through the ASF we got DDP which is a type of talking therapy. This was really helpful for the relationship between me and DD and has really helped with regulating emotions.

In a nutshell I’d say definitely ask for post adoption support. My DD was similar in that she presented with no probs at school but kicked off massively at home and had major struggles with emotional regulation. The DDP has really helped both of us and I’d heartily recommend it.

Do you get any time to yourself Chicklette? It sounds very full on. I'm a single mum, I work part time, I live for scout camp. I'm a much better mum when he's been off to camp for a week! I recognise the cross, grumpy irritable parent thing, its important to create a bit of space for yourself to recharge.

I find the playfulness the first thing to go under pressure! It's really common for our children to struggle to regulate their emotions / to escalate straight to an extreme intensity of that emotion. I have to be watchful (which is tiring) and step in when I spot DD's about to tip over - there are a whole raft of things that work for us, depending on where we are etc, but it's a voyage of discovery. Change of room, grounding exercise, jumping, bubbles, change of volume, square of very dark chocolate (said to regulate the stress hormone cortisol), change of temperature so fan or ice cube, bath, upside down...

Internet hugs to you - it's hard to glimpse perhaps an emotional gap opening up among school peers. It's not to say it won't even out, but it's still tough and I hear from teachers that 7 can be an age where needs may start to show emotionally. (I hear this because it applied to us!)

PPs have given great advice re finding time for self-care, and tapping back into post adoption support. I'd also say the therapeutic parenting Facebook group is great for feeling less alone, and getting ideas (and joining the national assoc of therapeutic parents is even better, if it's in your budget, because you get a helpline to experts, discounted training, and local support groups).

Definitely agree with magickeys and her suggestion of joining thereaputic parenting Facebook page. All of the stuff from the national association of theraputic parenting is fab. You will not feel alone, you will see many of your sons behaviours mirrored on a regular basis in others posts and get great ideas on how you can react to them.

Thanks very much for your replies. I get a bit of time on my own- mainly going to work to be fair- but not much. And to be honest, neither does my son which is why a lot of the therapeutic parenting strategies don’t really get put into practice. Younger child is also very demanding of my attention which leads to an ever present low grade competitiveness between them.

I’ll start by revisiting a few of those therapeutic strategies and try to get a bit of time alone with him. I’ll also try to be brave and reach out to Post adoptive support. It’s been affirmative to hear that others have similar issues, although sorry to hear it as I know it is hard for you. Apart from the endless energy, which is noted by everyone, the outside world rarely sees any difficult behaviour from him so it’s hard not to just take it quite personally!

I’m a pretty mellow person but find myself gritting my teeth most days of the holidays as he teeters on the edge of hysteria or fury!

Thanks again

it sounds really tough for you. Therapeutic parenting is what we need to do but it’s really hard to dig deep and find the energy to be that therapeutic parent when you’re knackered from walking on eggshells trying not to ‘trigger’ the behaviour.

I second what Ted says about self care and finding time for you. You need (and definitely deserve) more ‘me time’ than just time at work. It’s really hard to prioritise time for yourself when your kids need you so much but it really does make the world of difference. I’m a lone parent too, and I remember being really resentful when the therapeutic parenting course leader kept going on about the need for self care. I just sat there thinking ‘everything is so bloody tough at the moment where the hell am I meant to find time for me too?’ In the end, my self care was initially limited to buying myself a nice notebook and pens (stationery is my thing) and writing in the hour or so I got ‘off’ each evening between DD’s meltdowns and me needing to go to bed. Gradually this increased to a very occasional night out with friends but it all helped to make me feel less frazzled and a bit more like a person not just a parent and that in turn helped me be more empathetic to the reasons behind the meltdowns and better able to cope with them.

Hang in there, it will get better

I have some of the same issues with my two - my DD can be particularly demanding and needs a lot of support to keep her emotions in check. Trying to track them both and hold their emotions steady is very hard work and does take it toll on us as parents. I found myself becoming increasingly anxious about doing anything with the kids and felt constantly on edge, which did not make me a fun mummy at all.

I’ve had counselling for myself and have started on a low dose anti depressant - it’s massively helped my anxiety levels and gives me enough headspace to respond the way I want to rather than snapping, shouting or being grumpy. Things are honestly much easier emotionally and I’m now able to think about self care because I’m not fending off anxiety all the time.

It’s hard work so be kind to yourself.

Chicklette, your description of your DS could be mine - you say teetering between hysteria and fury - mine can be both simultaneously. It’s incredible to watch but hard to deal with - we’re having similar issues it sounds like too, mostly getting on academically at school but I can see a gulf opening between his peers and his own at times very toddler-like behaviour. He’s far too boisterous and in your face and I can see kids start to give him the swerve.

We do TP (sometimes/mostly/when we have the patience) but like you we have two so the competitiveness is just a whole extra layer of complexity.

No idea why I’m posting, just a fist bump of solidarity. 😬😀👊

A suggestion here from a SEN, but non adoptive parent. My son has autism and some of the same issues, emotional regulation etc come up. I am absolutely not suggesting you son has autism, but it might be worth googling some strategies to see if they help.

Thanks for all your replies. I usually feel like we have it easy to be honest. When I hear of others adoption horror stories, I feel pretty lucky. However, after a hideous bedtime full of shouting, wailing, total defiance, low grade hitting and ‘couldn’t give a shit’ attitude, I’m wiped!

As usual, it’s triggered by a totally frivolous minuscule issue- either can’t choose which bedtime story to read- which escalates into total freak out, or low grade competitiveness with sibling over who gets story first etc.

Although it’s nice to hear that it will get better, my concern is that the bigger and angrier they both get, the more serious it’s going to become.

I’ll take your advice and look at putting in place some strategies. And perhaps access professional help for them or me!

Has anyone any useful links for strategies?

I’ll look at Theraputic Parenting website/Facebook

Thanks again

Hi @Chicklette

My dd (birth child) is on the spectrum, so quite challenging . ds was adopted at there (four years ago). He is very bright but quite emotional. Pm of you would like to.

I'm typing on a phone so will be brief!

We had Theraplay for ds at about age 5. It was brilliant. Can be paid for by adoption support fund.

I would (in your shoes):

1. firmly ask for post adoption support.
2. find a way to make time for yourself
3. encourage your dh to get help.

This phrase '"I guess the advice I’m asking for is- since he is fine at school, is this just about me and my partners shit parenting?"

I need to say a BIG 'NO.' You are not a bad parent at all.

Children who come through the care system have real issues (often) and often need to have parents giving extra help. You are not shit.

Please say to yourself a more positive mantra. Maybe something like I'm doing all I can." And "When I find new things to help me, to help my children, I will grab them with both hands."

Please do not doubt your abilities. You need to be strong and ask for help whenever you need it.

Lastly, "I am very much the main parenting figure, partner struggles with life in general and is going through a rough patch."

Can you encourage your partner to seek help? I am sure you have.

I'm very sorry your partner is struggling. I can imagine this really is making life harder for you.

I tend to turn to Sarah Naish "A to Z of therapeutic parenting" which has topics (challenges...) listed alphabetically with explanations and strategies. She is ace and among other things is adoptive mum to five (who are now adults) so is good on sibling rivalry too.

Beacon House website is really good too.

Sorry you had an exhausting bedtime - the toughest transition of the day really shouldn't be allowed to be at the time we're all most shattered!

It may be worth looking past the apparent issue to what’s underneath. Both of my two can at times have complete meltdowns over apparently Minto things (eg DD asking for a banana, being told she can have one and kicking off because that’s not what she wanted).

Sometimes it’s about emotional maturity, sometimes struggling with transition (the end of the school day can be utterly hellish), or struggling with a trigger I’ve just not picked up on yet. Eg the end of school terms was a huge issue for us, which made sense to me when I had figured out what was happening but at the time it just looked like two kids tantruming and behaving badly. Once I worked out what the trigger was it was easier to head it off at the pass. Be open to it being entirely at face value, but also do consider what else might be at play.