Going back to funnelling - how?

[PurpleMac]

We are 7 months in and DS(20m) has been doing fantastically, but after quite a few big social events I think we need to go back to funnelling for a week or two. Took him to a family event today and he had the mother of all meltdowns, which could only be contained once I removed him entirely from the situation and gave him my full attention and lots of cuddles. My family, whilst very well meaning, were not helping the situation by trying to help the situation.

We are a very close family who see a lot of each other and now that it's the summer holidays we have lots planned with my DSS. But he is away next week with his mum and I've decided I need to pull up the drawbridge and have some time just me and DS and DH.

Has anyone gone "back" to funnelling quite a while after placement? Did you notice any improvements?

The meltdown today started because DS hurt himself (not very seriously, a small bump to the head) but the circumstances meant that whilst I was watching him like a hawk, I couldn't get to him for maybe 30 seconds and he couldn't see me. I think I need to remind him I am here and I will always be here.

[MagicKeysToAsda]

It makes sense to plan in a bit of re-grouping and re-connecting time after new or stressful events. Just be kind to yourself, seven months is early days, you'll be tired too Get extra benefits from the at-home time by doing lots of skin to skin snuggles and games (water play in the garden? Baths? Stories and cuddles?) A light touch way of reassuring about not being able to see you is doing a bit of peekaboo play. Go gently with it - at 7, DD still can't really manage hide and seek as the fear of me not being there is too deep. Little steps, lots of cuddles, and I really can't emphasise this part enough: lots of self-care for you!

[Rainatnight]

Not minimising here or saying you're wrong, but do bear in mind that lots of kids the same age would have exactly the same reaction. A few family parties on the trot, a fall, not being able to see you...that would be a lot for a lot of 20month olds.

So have some downtime by all means but don't worry that you've done anything 'wrong' from an adoption PoV.

[donquixotedelamancha]

Both great posts above.

I second that what you describe sounds pretty normal for a child that age, but still agree that stepping back a bit is a good idea. I would:

• Miss any big events that aren't important for a few weeks.
  
• Try to get a good weekly and daily routine going.
  
• Signpost changes to that routine in advance.
  
• Do lots of bonding stuff as magic describes.
  
• Start to talk through expectations at big events, e.g. 'Mummy is over here, if you get worried come for a cuddle'.
  
• Limit how long you are out at activities, leaving the party a bit early or returning from the park at the first signs of tiredness.
  
• Even once you are settled again, limit the number of activities, e.g. only 'doing something' like visitors or a treat every 2 or 3 days.
  

None of this will prevent the meltdowns, only reduce them. You are entering THAT time. Have fun :-)

[Jellycatspyjamas]

My two are older but both can have a meltdown following a fairly minor bump or bruise when they’re tired and a bit peopled out. We too are a family where we can have a few big family events one after the other and we tend to plan carefully, limit the amount of time we’re there for (even if the kids look like they’re doing ok) and one of us is always on “stay close by” duty in case they loose sight of us.

If we know there are a lot of family things coming up, we’ll make sure the next week or so is spent very close to home, with just the four of us. We’ll do some low key stuff - eg going to the park or shops etc and watch some tv (lots of rest and lots of cuddles), dance and sing, jump on the trampoline, play on the swings, play with water etc - stuff that really helps ground them back into their own bodies and reconnect with us and themselves.

Sounds like you know your wee one needs some time in - I’d not make a big thing of it or think of it as going back to funnelling as such, you and your little one need some home time and some peace and quiet, you’re doing the right thing.

[PurpleMac]

Thanks all for the kind words and suggestions. I think it's not so much the not being at home, but being surrounded by so many people. He absolutely loves getting out and aboit, seeing new places and doing new things. I think it might be because he's confused about who is being his main 'carer' when my family, with all the best intentions, try to help and get a bit over-involved.

So we have lots planned with just me, DH and DS in the coming week. No one else, and no new people. Definitely no big events!