Hi all
I'd mentioned doing an update on my home visit for pre-stage 1 - so sorry its taken so long, I was feeling a bit low for a while but have come through that now. I thought it would be helpful for anyone who may have theirs coming up so apologies for essay in advance! I'd be happy to answer any Qs other newbies might have with knowledge that we are early days so not sure how much wisdom I have yet!
So in beginning of June, we sent off another initial enquiry to our chosen LA who we had decided on from having some initial pre-stage 1 tele interviews back in Oct where we decided to wait a few months in order to change my work situation and for my partner to give up smoking. The LA got back to us within a couple of days and we just did a quick recap of info they already had on file. They checked through the months DP had now given up smoking (which at that point was 5) and told us a sw would be in touch to arrange a home visit with us to complete an initial assessment.
True to their word they were in touch within about 5 days and actually the sw wouldve been able to do in a few days time but because of work commitments we asked for a visit in a couple of weeks. The sw was in touch by email beforehand to let us know the types of things she would be asking about so we felt more comfortable and had a really friendly way of writing - lots of smiley faces! She also asked us if she could bring a ss student with her which we agreed to. She told us to expect 2.5 hours for the visit.
Sw arrived introed herself - i have no idea why but she wasnt the picture i had of her at all in my mind! quite young and trendy and i know thats ridiculous but i had a completely different image of her! she had a quite blunt style of talking but was friendly and supportive although she did more or less dive straight through the Qs.
The visit really did take about 2.5 hours and even as prepared as we thought we were was much more intense than we were expecting because a lot of msgs posted on forums lead you to believe this initial visit is just a formal chat. Ours felt much more like a formal assessment but am aware that different LAs/VAs may have different protocol. The best way I can describe it is almost like a mini version of what I think is in the home study. I think the idea was to capture key info for a place to come back to in stage 2 - it looked like about 30 page form!
In between assessment we took a break to look round house. That was fairly straightforward, we were concerned about the size of our spare room and DP kept calling it a box room and I felt like kicking him under the table!! But they seemed to think it was just fine. She made a comment about the stairs being quite steep (which they are) and asked us how we would protect a child. We mentioned stair gates and supervision etc. Fairly standard stuff. She went to see our pet cat and asked us a few Qs about how she is but it was clear she is a soppy gentle cat so no problems there! We were worried they'd point out things about our house as our house v much feels like a childless house with bits and pieces like knifes out on a rack in kitchen and some furniture that isnt really toddler friendly but nothing seemed an issue.
So the assessment. I could bore you for ages but in summary she discussed a LOT with us. My advice would be prepare to be grilled on quite personal aspects that you may not be expecting at this early stage. I had read up a lot before the visit but even I was taken back at how intense it was. I also felt I didnt come across v naturally and may have seemed a bit more like I was at a job interview whereas DP was more calm/natural. She covered:
- Family background and broad family tree - I had an abusive Dad who I am not in contact with and my side is v complex whereas DP's is small n simple so she asked me quite a lot about my experience of being parented which I'm almost certain will be a talking point for stage 2
- How we were parented, disciplined, rewarded etc - our understanding of inappropriate discipline for an adopted child and the differences it will mean in parenting style. A couple of scenario based Qs about how we would react (I cant remember but along the lines of challenging behaviour)
- Asked about what was important to us and because we mentioned education, she pushed us on whether we could accept a non-academic child so we obvs explained that we place value on supporting a child through education as DP didnt get that, but not that we have fixed ideas about what our child should do with their life or that we would be pushy in approach
- Asked us a lot about our relationship and infertility and our decision to come to adopt - we explained about being together for 10ys, how well we know eachother and the time we'd taken to reach decision. She mildly offended me by asking DP if he was "doing this for me" which I think is quite a sexist assumption but I chose not to analyse it. Obvs a lot of Qs about how we'd come to terms with my diagnosis, and whether we had grieved a biological child. This was the hardest part to talk about for me and my advice would be if you have infertility be prepared to talk about this a lot - I dont think they expect you to be cold about it but I was concious to demonstrate we'd worked through it to best of our ability. We've had therapy so I spoke a bit about that and how that has helped us. She asked us to outline difficult situations we've been through together and how we've co-ped so obvs inferility was a good example. She asked us what we felt we have to give a child and what makes our rship special - she pulled us up on not mentioning that we love each other but in a jokey way!
- Our occupations/work background and considerations about leave, adoption pay, possibility of not being able to return to work
- Our financial situation and lifetyle; howe we're used to spending our time and how a child would change that
- Our understanding of the types of children placed for adoption
- Some Qs around type of child we feel we could cope with - also matching details like age, ethnicity, gender preferences. Seemed to focus a lot on religious identity which we knew would be hard to answer as we are atheists and have made it clear our children wont be brought up religiously. However we also made it clear we completely understand the need for a child to connect to their identity and choose their own path so spoke about how we could educate them about their religious/cultural background and enable them to feel free to be religious should they wish
- Our health, whci brought up some conversation about DP's mental health (he takes anti-deps for anxiety and depression although has been on a year in a really good place) - I was reassured that her comment was that why would they ask us to stop meds if they work for him. Her main concern was around resilience and coping with stress
- A fair bit about support network, potential childcare support in our family, and local community
- a little about childcare experience but not emphasised as much as I'd been led to believe. We look after a 18 month baby regularly for experience and because she is quite calm and easy she suggested we perhaps spend more time with our 10yo niece who exhibits more challenging/hyperactive behaviour
I'm sure there was more but thats the sum of it.
So she concluded by saying she felt positive but would need to be agreed with her manager within 14 days. We had an email to the effect of saying they had some concerns abotu this not being the right itme for us, largely around the fact DP is doing a Master's and the concern about his anxiety. At the time it felt like the end of the world and I felt upset as I felt the assumption was we hadnt thought about this stuff when clearly we have planned around this. We'd also been v clear about his MH history when meeting with them which isnt particularly severe, he is well medicated for and coping v well with his course etc so felt that this prob came from manager. This is a long enough post so dont want to go OTT but suffice to say it was a v stressful and anxious time waiting for a final decision and took some reassurance on DP's part that we'd planned, discussed and acknowledged likely increase in stress whilst also being quite assertive around the fact that we think it is healthy we continue to focus on some other aspects of our lives whilst through the process as we have been advised this is far healthier and also is important to us in other ways, but reassured we would seek help if appropriate.
To cut a long story short on my bday I got an email with another smiley face to say we had been approved for sign off to stage 1 - we were so elated having convinced ourselves it wasn't going to happen and now are of the opinion (which DP was saying all along) that we feel some of this push back was a "testing" phase they likely do to challenge and discourage unsuitable people and weed ppl out who aren't resilient enough. So expect a bit of this - with hindsight and more clarity I do feel some of that was going on so my advice would be acknowledge, reassure, but remain assertive and decisive.
We just missed the July training dates so will be on prep training throughout September, and should be receiving what she is calling a welcome pack soon with paperwork. I believe this will be checks paperwork and the official application form(?) but am a little unclear as to when stage 1 decision is made and whether checks go on in background alongside training or whether they are after. We have a "prep review meeting" a week after training which is 3 weekends over September (4 days) and again I'm not sure whether this is an official decision or just some feedback. The first session is on Parenting & Loss.
So there we are. I do feel much calmer knowing at the very least we are on to stage 1 but that there is a long road ahead and at times anxious about some of my family background's impact on the assessment but overall trying now to take a "cautiously optimistic" mindset. I'm sorry for the gargantuan message but hope this helps other newbies as sometimes there's not a lot of info out there about pre stage 1 - happy to answer any Qs in DM you might have xxx