First pictures of potential child?

[MellowYellow0]

Hi All,
Just wondering what your initial reactions were when you saw pictures of the child you had been matched with? I ask as we’re picking up photos in the next couple of days and I’m beginning to worry about it.
Any advice from your experiences would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you!

What are you concerned about? That you won't like what they look like?

Both of mine had recent photos with their profiles at the start, neither of mine looked like the photos at intros.
I don't know how to describe it but please don't think that if you don't like the photo it means you won't form a connection with the child.
I had very different emotions when I finally met my children they each triggered something different in me but they are each very much mine.
Its a journey of evolving feelings it's easier to accept them than fight or worry about them

We were probably unusual in that we didn’t see a photo of our DS until about a week before introductions. We were desperate for photos and harangued our social worker until we got one single picture. It wasn’t that we wanted to check that he looked a certain way, but we wanted to be able to connect with him, and start to visualise our future. We were lucky I suppose because we immediately felt drawn to the photo saw. When we met our son, he didn’t actually look very much like the photo we have been shown!
I can understand your being nervous about seeing a photo. We are drawn to some people’s appearance more than others, that’s human nature. However, your love for this child won’t depend on what they look like. It will grow, perhaps quite slowly, over time. I didn’t feel immediate gush of love when I saw or met my son for the first time, but it has grown into the most profound love I have ever known, and that would’ve been the case whatever he looked like.

Please don’t worry if you don’t really feel anything when you first see photo - that’s quite natural. you don’t love them yet, but you will in time. Good luck.

I felt nothing when i saw the photo. There was no recognition - no sense of knowing that child.
Luckily i already have a birth child and i felt exactly the same when i first saw his face. But this time i knew not to panic.
That sense that that's my child and i have to protect him/her was the same and very fierce. But no sense of knowing them that i expected to have. In the way you smile with delight at pictures of old friends.
The old "fake it til you make it" advice is really helpful. When the love hits it's wonderful and it's not the slightest bit different in its quality or strength.

Thank you so much for your very honest replies! It has brought up many past sad memories for me which I thought I had laid to rest after failed ivf attempts.

Thank you again and we’re prepared, hopefully, to see the photographs of our potential child xx

I honestly felt nothing much when we first saw a picture of DD. We agreed to proceed based on the fact that there was no reason not to. She was the age/gender we were hoping for (didn't express a specific gender to SW) and her background had nothing we felt we couldn't cope with.

During our prep, we had an exercise about the sadness and loss of leaving behind the child you wanted/thought you would have.
It was a while ago, but I think the gist of it was imagining what that child would look like, who they would look like, meeting them playing with them at the park, all the things you thought you would do, then saying good bye and walking out through the gate of the swings and leaving them behind.
It was guided and quite moving, but I wonder if what some of us were feeling is what is being stirred up in you?

incywincy we did something similar at our prep group although doesn’t sound quite as skilfully applied - we had to draw and write about our child, what we thought they’d look like and what they would be like etc lots of detail. Then they got us to rip up the pictures and throw them away. It was very symbolic in a subtle smash-you-in-the-face-with-a-hammer sort of way

OP I’m sure I’m not the only one who 100% shares your experience of old ivf / biological child grief popping up every now and then but it seems to be normal and I would also think it is normal in our circumstances to want to know what your child will look like.

I would also think it’s normal to be drawn to certain appearances and be worried you will/wont based on looks...however as pp have said, it seems a common experience that children are loveable and love grows no matter who gets plonked in your life!

How did it go???

Our child was photographed aged 6months but then didn’t come home until 10months. My first reaction was actually how lovely she looked with her beautiful smile. My husband thought she had a head like an alien You don’t really fall in love with the photo. Well, we didn’t. You fall in love with the child over a long period of time. The photo means nothing in a lot of ways because you are matched on personality and circumstance.

DP was just reminding me the other day that my reaction on seeing a photo of DD was entirely meh.

OTOH, I had a very strong gut reaction to seeing her the first time in the flesh, but lots of people don't. There's no wrong reaction.

I become completely attached to the photographs / videos of my Lo. I suppose everyone reacts differently and no one should be to harsh on themselves if they don’t react as ‘ expected’. Each to their own in this game ! My Intros start next week - sooooooo excited ! X

I think I was very lucky because I had info on my son before I saw a photo. I actually did not see a photo until I went to an information matching evening. A photo of the boy who became our son was in the info booklet!

It was early days and we had not said yes to him yet. I already knew we wanted to adopt him, the photo was lovely but of course it was several months out of date and so he did not look exactly like the photo.

I have to say as time goes on it matters less and less what they look like, it matters more that you want to protect them, care for them and actually they do change so much over time. So please do not worry too much about your reaction. If anything prepare yourself for not liking the photo and you may be pleasantly surprised.