Holiday struggles and stupid onlookers!

[Minnie881]

I really needed somewhere to vent so apologies in advance! We have been placed with our 17month old son for 9 months or so now and things are going well. We’ve done a few nights away at his GPS house and centre parcs which we felt would be good practice for our current week long holiday about 5 hours from home. We’ve done all the usual things such as bringing some of his favourite toys, a sheet from home, his travel cot which he is used to and his comforter. He had always struggled a little the first night or so but then tends to calm down, routine is key as always and ensuring we stick to that usually helps.

Since we left home he has not been himself, despite us travelling in sleep time for part of the journey on the way down (which we have done before with little issues) he barley slept, so missed out on about 3 hours sleep. He then struggled with the remaining drive and we were all pleased to have finally arrived! Since we’ve been here though 2 days in things just seem to keep going downhill. I think partly it’s his travel cot as he likes to sleep in all weird manner of positions(!) but he is getting a little big for it now so is finding it troublesome. Also though it’s attachment related, he is very clingy with me the main care giver and my DH. He does love spending time with GP but even them holding him at the moment (which they really aren’t because of his reaction) is getting him rather upset. Today for the first time he woke up from a nap really screaming, like terrified screaming, thrashing about and we both struggled to calm him down. We then went in to quite a busy tourist attraction which he was ok with to begin with but then again he really struggled. We put him down in the pram as he seemed tired but he then got really really upset, cried like we have never heard to be honest. My DH took him somewhere quiet where he could only see him and me to try and make his world small again and some stupid idiot thought he was being helpful by sticking his face in the pram and shushing him. We told him several times he wasn’t helping yet he still persisted (who does that when the parents say no??!!). Eventually my DH said you don’t know his history and to go away! He finally did. Once we left the attraction everything was a lot better, he was calmer and seemed more himself. He slept in the car on the way home and woke when we got down quite a bumpy road, he woke with such a scream again and real upset, again terrified like we’ve never seen. We had to pull over it was so bad, on a one way street and get him out so we could cuddle him. Again though he at first really pushed us away and acted like he didn’t want comfort and almost like he didn’t recognise us.

We aren’t sure if it’s waking from nightmares, being unsettled (attachment related as we are in a strange place), being away from home or struggling in busy places. We are at a loss as to what to do, cut the holiday short, don’t go out anywhere and focus being in the holiday cottage, trying a different bed? He has never co slept so we aren’t sure this will help though we wonder about putting his travel bed in our room to see if it settles him more. I feel for his GP but they are putting on a brave face and being as sensitive and careful as they can.

Please anyone who has and advice or experience of something similar would be so helpful right now, we feel so sad and we want to do what we can to help him feel settled and well.

He is also teething 4 teeth and has a cold which of course is making it worse.

It sounds like his teething & cold is causing the trouble & anyone feeling like that would be out of sorts in a strange & busy environment.

Has your holiday cottage got a garden area you could chill out in? It might just be worth taking it easy & keeping it low key for a day & eve? As you've said routine is important maybe try to mimic his home routine as much as possible so that everything else seems 'normal' to him. And yes maybe bring his cot into your room - we ended up buying a much larger travel cot & our 17 month old can sleep soO much better in it than the smaller one.

We just had our first family holiday away for a week & our two struggled hugely on day two. We took it easy on the 3rd day, cooked their favourite meals from home & didn't make them go anywhere or do anything & they seemed much happier for it.

Hope things settle down & you all manage to enjoy it xx

@Minnie881. I don't want to minimise your worries, but that all sounds pretty normal to me. My kids both sometimes wake suddenly and are very upset as a result. Most babies are bloody nightmares while teething and add in all the other triggers as well, I'm not surprised it's difficult at the moment. The pushing away isn't that they don't recognise you, it's that they are pissed off and can't regulate at all.

I know babies who've never slept well from birth to 5yo and others who've always been fine (except teething, that's never easy) from birth. Usually nights get easier from 1.5-2 onwards; though then they start getting bolshy and you start thinking it was easier when they just cried :-)

I've never parented kids with attachment concerns (usual caveats- mine are still young) and I'm assuming from your OP you've had a specific diagnosis. I am aware (second hand) of how difficult it can be for young children with severe attachment difficulties so please forgive stating the obvious, I'm not sure what else to suggest:

• I would dose him on bonjela and calpol like you've got shares in the stuff. Frozen lollies and chew toys helped as well. Put (age appropriate) olbas oil type drops on his bedding- we do the edges where it can't be reached. Let him cough up as much snot as possible before bed.
• Keep to routine as much as poss while on hols, e.g. bath time, bed time (even if it doesn't work).
• Let him sleep when he can, and rest when he does; though try to avoid letting him sleep all day.
• Try to chill everyone else out- take it in shifts and go do other things/ get breaks.
• Have you got a screen and a favourite programme. Sod worrying about too much telly when it's like this.
• Carry on with activities, but don't do too much on one go. Tiredness will trigger him off.

The gentleman accosting your child sounds like a loon. You were more polite than I'd have been. It does feel horrible when you are struggling with a child in public- but anyone who's been a parent has experienced the same thing and will sympathise.

Sorry it is so crap. I would put his cot in your room. Keep things calm and quiet and if you really feel it is all a bit much for him, go home a day early.

Lots of kids have issues on holidays. Especially adopted kids. Mine were a nightmare last year!

The grandparents will understand.

Sometimes I get home from a family holiday and think I really need a holiday now! It does get easier as they get older fortunately.
It's probably a combination of a different place, not totally the same routine, teething and cold.
Oddly it was my birth child who struggled with holidays more than my AC at that age. The first few days would be the hardest. Then he'd start getting used to the change.
It sounds like your doing all the right things with routine and familiar things. If there's a time of day when lo seems more relaxed arrange to go out then and aim to back at the cottage when lo will be getting tired. Hope lo settles and you get to make some happy holiday memories.

I second holidays being v hard esp with kids with attachment issues. I am a foster carer and adoptor and we had a spectacularly bad holiday with one of our foster kids who fell apart completely away from home.
Keep everything chilled, low key and abandon busy places and stressful situations.
Ignore loony people who are clueless and think they are helping. I am world class at not caring what others think of my children or my parenting now.
He will settle once you get home and he will have learnt that change is not always a scary thing but can be fun as well. And most importantly he will learn that you are always right there to soothe and calm him when the world around him has changed. That is a big thing for a child to learn.
You sound like you are doing great. Hope the rest of the hols is calmer and you get a bit of a rest .

Thank you both so much for your advice. We’ve kept things really basic today and had a very quiet morning with just a little trip out in the afternoon (mainly as he was bored by then!). He is definitely a lot better today though not quite his normal self just yet (if that is such a thing for babies!). I guess I’m finding it tough too as I kind of looked forward to this being a bit of a break with GP to help but it was not meant to be! We’ve spent a long time slowly building him up with them and I think if we were at home it would be fine but being away as well, it’s just too much for him. Thank you fore suggestions, we’ve definitely followed them with calpol at the ready! Fingers crossed tomorrow will bring some more settledness. It does make me worry about nursery coming up in the next few months, but that’s another thread!

Sorry thank you too to everyone else, I hadn’t seen the later posts until just now and they are all so helpful. It’s hard, it’s tough but I understand what you are all saying and it makes sense. Our priority is to always help him feel as secure as possible (and tell stupid onlookers to go away!). The teething and cold are definitely affecting him alongside the unsettledness. Thankfully he did well in his cot at lunch so we are going to try keeping him in his own room, as that is what is normal for him, but keep the option open to bring him in if he needs it. I do think as you say some children are prone (adopted or not) to be unsettled the first few days of a holiday, my DH was. We will keep smiling and try to enjoy ourselves whilst we both have this lovely time with our little one.

At this age it is very usual for children to hate holidays. They are old enough to notice evertyhing is different but not old enough to understand that they will see their home again. For an adopted child who cant verbalise their fears it must be much worse. If i were you I'd do a couple of very gentle days or go home.

My DD (2) is exactly the same. First couple of nights on hols are very, very unsettled. And when you throw teething etc into the mix, it's really hard.

She usually settled down and honestly has an amazing time with grandparents etc.

Just to forewarn you, and not trying to scare you, but we often have a tricky couple of weeks when we come home again.