What is your experience?

[Dingdongs]

My husband and I are going through the adoption process and we are experiencing some difficulties with our assigned SW.
we are working our way through the home study and are feeling very judged when providing answers and we are also unable to relax.
I suffer from anxiety issues and this has been raised as a concern. I have it completely under control and I am no longer on medication.
We have been challenged because of our BM+ as it is too high ( around late 30s).
I am really keen to hear other people’s experiences re their relationship with SW and any challenges which have been thrown you way.

Thanks x

*BMI

My BMI was mid thirties and raised an issue. I said i would try and lose weight and I did try. It was not something they followed up. I am still, 5 years down the track) trying to lose weight!

Do you recognize why a high BMI could be a problem?

If possible do not fight them on this, there is no point. Say what they want to hear, that you are trying, whatever you are doing. If you can lose it, fab for you and for the children you will care for. Being overweight is strain.

In terms of not getting along with social worker, my honest advice is, try hard to get along with them. you could ask to change social worker but that would probably go against you. The process it relatively quick and the social worker came to visit us maybe once a week. So once a week for an hour or two we needed to speak to her and she to us and we managed fine.

Eventually, she passed us on to social worker number 2, who I did not like much, who went on sick leave quite soon and onto number 3 who was fabulous.

My advice is to stay with her/him, work with them, work on the weight and see what happens next.

Good luck.

PS does '...our BM+ as it is too high ( around late 30s). ' mean BMI late 30s or age late 30s?

If your BMI is high but not too high then I'd just smile sweetly and say you will do all you can.

If your BMI is late 30s I'd really work on it and make it a priority.

I think sometimes people think when kids come along they will lose weight because of running around after kids. But my experience both with a birth child and an adopted child is that your diet changes for the worse and you end up eating more junk and chocolate to keep yourself sane! Just my experience.

I felt like this with our SW. We decided we had to stick it out. About half way through the home study she appeared to completely change her mind about us based on meeting our referees and from then on she was brilliant. We gave her a hug at the end.

I think sometimes they are deliberately challenging to see how you respond.

As for the BMI, I guess some of that opinion is up to the adoption medical advisor, however I have heard of people being turned down based on high BMI (higher than yours, I think). However for the reasons mentioned above, I would show willing to get it down. I do not usually have concerns about my weight but 18 months in and loads of clothes don’t fit me as one of my coping mechanisms is (was!) strawberry liquorice laces :-).

Thank you very much for your comments, it is good to hear about other people’s experiences.

We will stick it out with the SW and hope things improve.

Yes, we understand the importance of a low BMI however despite our BMI being high we are fit and active people. We will “say want they want to hear” and will put relevant things in place.

Thanks again x

mamoosh i think I have never eaten as many sweets as I have since becoming a parent, not even when I was a child!

'I think sometimes they are deliberately challenging to see how you respond.'

I completely agree.

@Dingdongs fit and healthy is good and should help with the BMI. I am neither fit nor healthy, sadly.

I think it does help to think that the social workers are doing a really tough job. They are deciding if you will be good enough parents for very troubled young kids who have had diffiuclt experiences. And the long and short of it is they don't want the health of us, the adoptive parents, to fail so that the children experience the loss of another parent or have to cope with a very ill parent.

My dear friend died leaving behind a young child and it was heart breaking.

So I think it does help to see it as not at all personal and just a part of the job. Our social worker was not fat but was not exactly thin either! I could see she was quite embarrassed to be talking about my weight with me, and I helped her out by acknowledging that I was trying to lose it. It's been a very long battle for me and I admit that I am making a tiny bit of progress after many years. So adopting was not the end of the journey at all, in terms of weight loss, but actually my little boy gives me even more reason to be as healthy as I can.

When you say "struggling to relax" do you mean just during the meetings, or in life in general?

I do find the meetings a little bit "on show" but then they are meant to be, the whole thing is like a job interview. Would be wierd if you didn't feel a little under pressure.

The best advice our first SW gave us was not to put life on hold, so, when you are up to date with any adoption stuff remember to carry on with everything else - friends, holidays etc.

There will be plenty roller coasters ahead, and this is something we are learning. (we are part way through stage 2 atm)

Among the other 8 million things your SW is trying to work out:

• will these people give a child healthy eating habits?
• will they live long enough to give a vulnerable child stability well past the age of 18?
• if they use food under stress like me what will happen during the particularly stressful parts of becoming an adoptive family?
• how are they under pressure? Can they potentially stand up for a voiceless child when those in authority may not be listening, to make sure the child gets the support they need?

I agree with PPs - while this is hard, your best option is to engage with the SW as fully and honestly as possible, and if something feels uncomfortable ask yourself why the SW would be pushing that issue, how might it become relevant when you're parenting? If you can't figure it out, then ask the SW! It will show you're thinking of the child, which can only be a good thing.

My BMI was also high, was mentioned in the medical report but wasn't causing any health issues. However, it rose and rose during the first few years of adoption, and I needed to take proper action to tackle it then. Loads of people, including me,use food under stress - if you think you might too, I really encourage you to start to think about alternative coping strategies you could practice now, before the stress really hits. I wish I had done that!

@B1rdonawire excellent points. My husband and birth dd were healthy and slim so I could provide healthy meals. The issues with food were (and are) with me, I think that helped. I think if both prospective adopters are very over weight it may seem more worrying as the example for the child is one way.

So if your dh is overweight too then I do hope he also feels the need to change. In most families both parents help with cooking and set the example.

Agree with @topcat2014 feeling a bit stressed around social worker is normal.

I think a v high BMI plus a history of anxiety would raise questions for me around resilience and how someone will cope under a long term pressure situation like adoption.

Make an effort to lose some of your weight, it doesn’t have to be all of it but it will show that you are capable of making change (and honestly it will improve your health too). And show what strategies you now have in place to cope with your anxiety- your support network, where you find personal resilience etc.

You have to think at each meeting that the worst thing would be for a child who has already suffered trauma and loss to end up going through a placement breakdown. That had to be everyone’s priority and the SW has to be as certain as they can be that you are a strong and safe (strong and stable???) option for a child in such need. It’s not personal.

speaking as a fatty, I do think people have to get real about the weight issue.

I was a fat kid who grew into a fat teen and a fat adult. I'm very active. I don't drive so I walk - a lot, i can easily walk 5 or 6 miles a day, every day, I go to the gym, I run, I have an allotment.
When I went through approval my BMI was 32. I was training for a half marathon and went on a two week expedition up a mountain in Uganda.
To be honest with you, Im 53 and I'm feeling every extra pound of the three extra stone I'm carrying. My knees hurt, my back aches, I just feel generally bleuggh. Weight has long term health implications. SWs are looking at the long term.
I've had some lovely SWs and a really difficult one. If you can try and get along with them.
Its right that you should feel challenged. Adoption is no picnic. SWs are there to make sure you know what you are taking on. So a bit of challenge is no bad thing.

Also speaking as a fatty I lost a stone or so throughout the homestudy. I then told all interested parties I’d lose weight running around after littles. In reality I spent the next 4 years pinned to a sofa under children who couldn’t be in the same house as me without being on me, in a house full of adopted kid food (which is to say, what they were used to and what they would eat, not what you’d really want to be feeding to a kid...) and with not an ounce of energy to spare for meal planning or exercising.

If you at all can, take it seriously now.

Also decluttering. Do that now too. 😀