Honest experiences wanted: to adopt or not?

[Mrssnickers]

Hi everyone,

So as thread title suggests, I am looking for some real honest and open experiences of adoption. DH and I are in the initial stages of looking into adoption and attending information evenings etc.

As a bit of history, DH and I are mid to late 20s, and are looking to start a family. There is no medical or biological reason we would not be able to have children naturally. We are financially secure (own our home and a buy to let property) and have good jobs. I am a Senco and teacher and work in a special needs school, and I guess my line of work is why I am so interested in adoption. Everyday I work with looked after children or children who have been adopted into loving homes. I just keep thinking to myself, why bring more children into the world when there are children who already need loving homes.

I understand this may sound like a highly naive attitude to have, and that’s why I’m so interested to hear your personal opinions.

From what ive seen online, dependant on your LA the time line for adoption processes can vary.

We adopted as a first choice. We are a same sex couple and didn’t want to do IVF etc. For us it’s been an amazing way to start a family and we’ve just celebrated our one year anniversary but I think it’s different for everyone and it’s not straightforward. We wouldn’t change our decision for the world and not a day goes by when we don’t realise how lucky we are.

Hmmmm...well no-one can possibly answer that for you.

However, we probably could have had birth children, though as a same sex couple it would have been a bit more complicated. We decided to adopt for similar reasons to you.

My 2 DDs are the best thing in my life. They've changed my life completely in predictable and unpredictable ways.

Parenting then can be hard and exhausting, but also wonderful...and all of those things in a single minute.

The thing is that it's not like with birth children, where if you hadn't had them they wouldn't exist. If we weren't their parents, they would still have needed people to love them and bring them up.

It really isn't for everyone though. Being a parent can be hard going anyway, do you want to choose to make it harder?

Neither of our kids are in childcare. Are you up for leaving your job? Managing your finances so you can survive on a single wage for years then trying to find the mythical school hours, term time job that lets you take time off to be there for every single school event (because they couldn't cope if you missed it) and goodness knows how many appointments?

Are you ok with your family and friends thinking you're controlling and ridiculously rigid and teachers thinking you're overanxious and delusional, because your child shows them their 'acceptable' face?

My kids are amazing and I'm so lucky to be their parent. That doesn't mean it is or isn't the right choice for you. Saying that, I'm glad you're considering it.

I understand this may sound like a highly naive attitude to have

Not really. Entirely common motivation to adopt. Exactly how I felt.

Why you should:

• The approval process isn't that bad and prepares you for having kids far more than growing your own.
• You don't have to push anything the size of a melon out of any orifices.
• It's a moral good, for all the reasons you already know and so many more.

Why you shouldn't:

• There are higher risks of FASD, Attachment 'issues', ADHD and many other needs. You can be selective in matching (don't buy this nonsense that all adopted kids are damaged), but you can't guarantee anything.

There are many other negatives about adoption (bureaucracy, lack of post adoption support etc) but for me this is the one that matters. If you can accept that uncertainty, you will do fine.

Having kids itself is brilliant, whether adopted or not. It's also very hard however you do it- both harder and more manageable than you imagine. Adoption is incredibly rewarding- if it's right for you.

@Mrssnickers how long have you both been thinking about this? Are you ok with not being pregnant, not being biologically or genetically linked to your child/ten?

I have a birth child and an adopted child. I love them equally. I think adoption is great but personally if you can have children biologically then I probably would. Whether you also adopt is up to you.

But if you both feel really sure this is for you then go go for it.

Good luck.

My husband and I also adopted as a first choice without having tried for a biological child. We always both wanted to do it so we went for it. The process took longer than it should but we saw one profile prior to approval and were matched 6 weeks later. Our sibling group have only been with us a month but we are all such a perfect match x

I adopted for the same reasons as you; totally my first choice and done alone as no man I was with felt same about adoption. Definitely the right decision for me. I have never felt need to be pregnant, and I genuinely could not have given birth to a child more suited to me.
Maybe I went into it naively, but I felt that the risks associated with having a baby naturally were just as high as adoption, just different risks. Either way I would be their mum and deal with whatever was thrown at us.

We adopted as a first choice too, and adopted 2 little boys a few years ago. It has been hard- especially the first year and pushed us to the limit. However, we are now all so happy, and have since had a birth child too and I can honestly say I feel no differently about my adopted children and birth child- I love them exactly the same. So I guess the main difference for us was the initial time when love is growing because for us it didn't come straight away, but totally worth it when you get there. And there's that added extra little bit of proudness I feel knowing what they've been through and how far they've come.

don't buy this nonsense that all adoptive children are damaged

It's good to hear that. But of the five families I know well who have adopted in the last fifteen years, all 10 of the children are very damaged - traumatised by previous upbringing or suffering from FAS. Only two of those five families have stayed the course. All the other adoptions broke down in early puberty, and one of the two families that managed to stay together has been through hell.

Sorry, but I don't think that's said often enough. The reality can often be very very tough. Far tougher than if you give birth to a child with numerous problems (as I did) because you are not told what the problems are, what the reality of a child's history might be and have to battle for information and support. I just know too many people whose lives have been absolutely destroyed by adoption not to speak out about it, even if it's not first hand experience.

I would be the first person to say adoption is a risk. My son is straight out of adoption central casting - ASD, learning difficulty, anxiety, sensory issues, a bit of attachment thrown in.

We have had very tough times over the last 6 years. He is 14 now. He has moved from special school to mainstream secondary. He is popular at school and has a good friendship group, he is a scout. He is doing very well. We have lots of fun and adventures together. He is adored by his grandparents, my friends love him. We are a family.
A lot of our life is fairly ordinary. But we have other stuff to deal with.
I have no regrets about adopting. I have an amazing, brave young man for my son.
I know a lot of adopters like us. I know a lot of adopters who have had much tougher times than us, but are hanging on in there.

I don't think adoption brings traditional happy endings, and happy endings are often hard fought for. But many of us do have positive experiences and are happy in our lives.

Hi,

Like you my career has been mainly with children with additional needs, and still is.
When I started the adoption process I was very open about my matching considerations, I would have happily adopted a child with additional needs. During stage 2 my SW tried playing devils asvocate and asked me why I wanted to go this route, couldn’t I keep that as my work life and adopt a child without any additional needs, I knew why she did that, i’m A single adopter. I was adamant that with it without extra needs the right match would be found.
My daughter - and I say that with a newly acquired Adoption order, has no known needs, due to birth parents lifestyle needs my appear as she gets older, but i’m Ok with that. She’s perfect for me and we’ll cross any bridges when we get to them.

@MinaPaws Sorry, but I don't think that's said often enough. The reality can often be very very tough.

I think it's said every time someone asks on here. Indeed I said it either side of the brackets you quoted. I strongly agree that it is something every adopter needs to hear (most do). The single biggest risk factor for disruption is if people are unprepared and unrealistic in their expectations.

Only two of those five families have stayed the course. All the other adoptions broke down in early puberty

Those are very high numbers. I know 20+ adopters IRL that I will see or talk to at least annually and I have never known anyone IRL disrupt. Now it could just be chance (neither of our samples is large) but I suspect it highlights one of the biggest things you can do to minimise risk: get a good agency. The adopters I know went into things very well prepared; there was no chance of reports missing information and they have been supported all the years since they adopted. That's how it should be.

don't buy this nonsense that all adoptive children are damaged

My reason for putting something like this every time I talk about risk is that there is a lot of bigotry and misconception about adoption in this country. There have been some horrible threads on MN of late, filled with idiots opining that you can't adopt if you are old or single or have a dog and SWs who think that adoption itself damages children. It's a hard balance to highlight the many risks and condemn the many problems without feeding misconceptions.

Are they high numbers, donquixote ? I'm glad. I was so shocked as family after family that I knew suffered absolutely horrific times. One of the two families who are still together have been through the hardest time, things I couldn't cope with, and I know they regret adopting. Only one family seems pretty happy with the experience, and even that is an arduous process of fighting non-stop for SEN provision for very damaged but absolutely lovely children.

Yet another family I knew was entirely socially isolated because the mother did a version of that tough love that's supposed to help attachment disorder children bond. Her marriage broke up and she was friendless.

So of the six families I know only one has worked out for all involved. I am gebuibely glad if that;s a freak statistic, but it shoc ked me to the bones as we came very close to goibg down the adoption route and I know we'd not have survived.

I am gebuibely glad if that;s a freak statistic

The problem is that there is no hard data on the rates of disruption. My suspicion is that experiences like yours are much more common in some LAs than others.

I suspect that many disruptions would be avoided if:
a) All matching processes were as thorough as they should be.
b) The government was willing to spend a better proportion of the vast cost of the care system on post adoption support and training.

I agree those numbers are high. I'm on several forums, I know of dozens of adoptive families, am good friends with several.

Disruptions seem to be more common in the early days, before the AO is granted. I know many people who have had some very, very tough times, most make it through the other side. Yes it can be hard getting the support you need, which is why adopters need to be resiliant and tough as old boots.
I know many adopters like me, we have our ups and downs, but we are doing ok.
No one says adoption is easy, but it can be more than just ok.

For anyone who wants facts and figures on adoption breakdowns, the best place to go is the research published by Professor Julie Selwyn in Beyond the Adoption Order
dera.ioe.ac.uk/19933/1/Final_Report_-_3rd_April_2014v2.pdf
It looks as if it stands at somewhere between 3 and 9% where the child leaves home before age 18. And of course there is no "control" group so I wonder how that compares to the general population...

We're exactly the same as Monkey, same sex first choice adopters. And I agree with everything don says, as usual.

Think about what level of risk you could live with. Think about how to set things up so you stand a greater chance of getting 'only' that level of risk (pick a good agency, be clued up in matching etc), and take it from there.

I'm told straight people get questioned more about their motivations and they'll want to know you're on contraception while you're being assessed etc, so you might heir want to prepare yourself for that sort of intrusion.

Living with children with emotional needs and working with them is very different. My son is awesome mostly and on paper fairly uncomplicated ( no diagnosis, adopted young, no neglect or ill treatment, good antenatal health etc) but emotionally more needy than his peers ( 12 years in I still cant work full time, which I would likely be able to with biological child). Also there are some biologically inherited personality traits ( we know this from meeting his bio relatives) that I find hard to deal with as it's nowhere in my or partners personalities or families. The comment about all children and damaged by adoption is there because all adopted children have lost most biological connections to themselves, my son finds this hard and has lots to come to terms with about what his birth parents mean for his own identity. The other thing to consider is that adopting again wouldn't have been great for my son so we only have 1 child, despite wanting more - are you prepared for this possibility. Personally if I could have had birth kids I wouldn't have adopted, I love my son but if I'm honest that's what I'd say.

I adopted rather than go through ivf wanted an older child and that's what I got she was 7. I say because I split up from her dad and the adoption was a contributing factor - he didn't bond and couldn't deal with her behaviour.

Re:SWs who think that adoption itself damages children.

Mostly, we are all speaking anecdotally on this forum, but I can say with 100% confidence that adoption damaged my child.

Can I offer another perspective?

I am the sibling of an adopted child, coincidentally so is my DH. We were both the biological surprises that came along after our older adopted siblings had been placed with our parents.

We both had disrupted childhoods caused by our siblings' behaviour and our parents' need to focus on them. This was before diagnoses such as ADHD were common so we'll never really know the root of it all.

My sibling was violent, placed in foster care as a teen and was frequently in prison as a young adult. We are no longer in contact.

My DH's sibling started on a similar path but turned their life around and now has a stable family life and job. They have little in common but are in touch for birthdays, Christmas, etc.

If you do go down the route of adopting (and you don't sound naive at all), please think very, very carefully about whether you would also have biological children too. Both my DH and I have been constantly accused of being the favourite whilst having to grow up fast, have less attention and the expectation of being reliable in all circumstances. Sorry, that probably doesn't explain it well, but it is an odd dynamic that has repercussions decades later.

I wish you well on your future family, whatever shape it takes.

The thing is, adoption may damage children. But is there an option for abused/neglected children that doesn't damage them? Is it not more that adoption is the 'least bad' option for these children?

It is so hard to separate genetics, issues caused in birth family, issues caused by moving to different carers such as foster care, and issues caused by the more formal severing of (most) contact and permanence of adoption.

I'm thinking about my 19yo who came to us aged 8. She had been through a lot before she came to us. We gave her 8 years of love, stability, educational input and other opportunities. But since she turned 16 she has made more and more choices that seem to negate the previous 8 years. Have we failed? Maybe. But had she stayed within the birth family she wouldn't have even had the chance to make the choices at all.

Sanders. It's a really difficult question. At the heart of this discussion, we all want the best outcome for our children whether we gave birth or adopted. We can only really evaluate through our own very individual experiences.
The vast majority of adults who have experienced adoption in this country were adopted between the 40s and the 70s. There are estimated to be around half a million of them. The vast majority were adopted at birth without informed consent from unmarried women.
hansard.parliament.uk/commons/2018-07-12/debates/6F6A5DB8-85C8-4AF8-B627-4A8776AD7843/ForcedAdoptionInTheUK
They give a wide variety of views about the difficulties and benefits of growing up in adoptive families, untainted by early experiences of neglect or abuse. I do feel that they are the people that we should be listening to, when we shape best outcomes for vulnerable children who cannot be safely cared for by their families.
I'm sure that you didn't fail your daughter. I'm sure that my child's parents had great intentions and did all that they could. My child was healthy, loved and place at one week old. There was no way to know how incompatible these individuals would be together. It was no one's fault, that that they couldn't really understand each other no matter how much love was shared. I've heard it described as being the labrador in the husky family. Unfortunately, there was suffering and failed expectations all round.
If adoption fails a child, you can either blame adoption or the parents. Personally, I am inclined to blame adoption rather than parents, based on my sample size of one.

But is there an option for abused/neglected children that doesn't damage them? Is it not more that adoption is the 'least bad' option for these children?

I think most people would agree that far, far, far more could be done in relation to children taken into care in the UK, taking the q of whether adoption is or is not the least bad out of the equation for a moment.

As to the q of adoption, though, there are a lot of different factors at play, how successful adoptions are varies hugely, but I think what would make it more likely to be successful is more more focused research and following on from that more input and direction from psychologists in relation to the bio vs non bio factor.

I've had to re-evaluate what I think "success as a parent" looks like after I became an adoptive parent,

TBH getting a scared LO to school who is basically convinced - even after 6 years - that we are going to abandon her like so many other important people have done in her short life is a success. We can't do ballet lessons, swimming lessons, any of the standard post-school activities because school itself is so stressful that the meltdowns aren't fair to DC, our (birth) DC or us.

The big differences between working with DC with additional needs and parenting them is that a) you are never ever ever off duty as a parent, even if your DC are elsewhere; and b) you have a responsibility towards them that is nothing like the care of duty you have to a student or charge. Don't underestimate the impact that can have on you - and on your ability to do your job

don't buy this nonsense that all adoptive children are damaged

Well, no, of course they aren't. But they have all been through a damaging process in the sort of circumstances which would have a profound impact on most people.