Help finding a school.

[bichonbaby]

I've just come out of a meeting with a head teacher of a school I had hoped would be suitable for my dd.

She was horrible 😪 she was defensive at every question I asked and basically said they couldn't meet her needs. She was so insensitive and tried to put me off applying and not even in a subtle way.

Then just as I was about to leave she said the worse this is when the child tells everyone "she is not my mum", I was stunned. I found the whole meeting very emotional and that comment nearly made me cry.

Now I'm back to square one. I am applying for a reception place this September for next year so want to view schools now before they break up for summer.

Has anyone any tips for meeting schools. My dd is such a lovely child and I feel ridiculous for feeling that a school who don't even know her don't want her 😔

*the worst thing is

what are your childs needs?

Well, that's one school to cross off your list then!

I would look for a school with strong pastoral care and an inclusive ethos. Ask about 'nurture groups', & ELSA support. Ask how they use their PP money (and any PPP) they might get too. Are teachers accessible if needed.

The pushy academic schools may not be the best. The middle class 2 parent schools might not be so suitable if they can't grasp that families are made other ways. A school used to dealing with divorces and disabilities may well support an adopted child better.

The good thing is you get your choice as apart from faith schools where they are allowed to prioritise faith children above non-faith adopted, you get your pick.

Of course academics are important, but if they can't support your child emotionally if needed then academics will go out of the window anyway. Our school was 'requires improvement' most of the way, but emotionally they looked after DD well.

I've never had one of mine tell anyone she's not my mum.
Do you know what I'd say though don't fight it, you can't changetheir attitude
There are good schools out there but try to step away from the neat and tidy schools in the neat and tidy areas where everyone follows the same path
The best schools show you how accepting and inclusive they are they don't shout it.
How far can you/will you travel for the school run, because as you know in terms of choosing a state school the world is your oyster
After a disastrous time in the state sector that was very school and teacher specific we put our Ds in the private sector, id say you're lucky to have found out what that school was like before they messed with your daughter's head and self esteem.

Do not despair, as child is a EX Looked after child you can chose out of area school's , so can widen your scope , we have Two children in school's which are out of area, Still have too put them on your local LA Schools application form with details that children / child are Ex Looked after children again is provided on application form.

Good luck xx

I was doing the same thing this time last year and had an almost identical response from a head teacher who was so dismissive she reduced me to tears (not easily done at all).

I emailed half a dozen schools in and around my area based on size (I wanted a smaller school) and what I saw on their website. One school head teacher phoned me immediately (like the email had hardly left my side) was enthusiastic about having them, really understood my concerns and could immediately tell me some of the things they could put in place. When I met her I realised she had been in my adoption prep group and was just returning from adoption leave - I could not have possibly been more lucky.

The school has been perfect for both DC, they’ve grown in confidence and my DD is starting to be properly curious about learning.

Things that I think help-
-The teacher having a knowledge of adoption.

• we chose a school right on the edge of a more deprived area, so my kids don’t stand out in terms of needing support (because lots of kids there do) and they aren’t in with kids who have been hot housed since conception.
• the schoo is small enough that the teachers know all of the kids by name
• the school ethos is such that staff are relaxed with the kids, will cuddle them if they are crying etc
• when I visited it was obvious the staff gave a good relationship with the pupils, and a relaxed relationship with parents. I am on first name terms with my children’s teachers and the head teacher, I can easily pop the head an email letting her know what’s happening with my kids and she does the same with me. If you can foster a teamwork relationship with the school all the better.

I think a chat with the head by phone first will save you a lot of fruitless visits - good luck, it’s so bloody hard choosing a school for kids you don’t know and I realise just how lucky I am with my school.

Thank you for your kind responses.

In terms of my dd's needs, she has been with me since a baby and the attachment is secure, however she has some sensory issues which I believe is resulting from birth mother's drug use in pregnancy. Her speech was slow to get going, but with S&L intervention and her starting nursery last September it's now pretty much caught up. She had some sessions with OT and they advised me and nursery to support her by using a wobble cushion at circle time for her to sit on as she struggles to sit still, and a sensory diet so she will do movement activities before she is required to sit and 'work' or sit on the carpet or before mealtimes. This seems to help.
I know schools can implement these things but I was more concerned with how they would support her emotionally and as an adopted person. For example, when they learn about family trees or where babies come from, are they going to be sensitive to her past and that as an adopted child her emotional development is not likely to be that of her peers, or there will be times throughout her schooling that she will need extra support as her understand of adoption increases, and her awareness of the loss of her birth family.
Sorry for the emotional post earlier, having a difficult week trying to access post adoption support to help me with her life story work and arranging to see schools and as a single adopted I'm finding it a bit overwhelming at the moment.
Thank you for the advice. It's good to hear some of your children are doing well.

I know I can look out of area but was hoping to get the balance of a school that would meet her needs and one she could go to on our community but that is looking less likely now will have to travel further afield.

For what it's worth I think your priorities are spot on.
I understand the desire to have a local school, but if they aren't interested in supporting her emotionally then it isn't worth it.

Family trees, bring in baby photos, mothers/fathers day cards, autobiographies can all bring issues. If a school doesn't get it then they won't be flexible.

I think your priorities are exactly right - be aware though that you may find you need to keep on top of the school for things like sex Ed, family trees etc because teachers change, or it’s a different teacher doing that piece of work who doesn’t know your child’s background etc but a baseline understanding on the part of the school is a good start.

I had to speak to a teacher today and explain why my child is finding end of term difficult - it made perfect sense to her when I explained it, but it just hadn’t occurred to her beforehand. I think we become very sensitive to our child’s needs but others won’t ajwats get the (obvious to us) link between X and Y for our child.

I used to provide a typed A4 sheet of background and current issues, plus primary 'hot topics' at the start of each academic year for her class teacher. I decided I would never assume info would be read/passed on. Also made situation wrt photos very clear - I know it is done by admin too, but I wanted to be very sure the teacher was aware.

Contact the Virtual School of the LA in which you live. They have a duty to advise you and at the very least should be able to help you choose a school which has a good understanding of your DD’s needs and tell you which ones to avoid (they will know!).If you PM me the authority you live in, I can PM you the contact details of your Virtual School.