Letterbox woes

[bostonkremekrazy]

Has anybody here any experience of the Birth Family taking legal advice and threatening court action if you do not send letterbox...?

can you tell me any happy or horror stories?

THANKS

I was going to ask Why would you not send letterbox if you agreed to it?

Then I remembered that we initially did letterbox with an extended family member. But after 3 years of them not replying we wrote one further letter saying it was upsetting DCs to not get a response and unless they told SS they wanted to continue to receive we would stop. No reply, so stopped.

But actually, I think the question still stands? Why would you not do letterbox? Unless the DCs are teens and have said to you not to do it?

They can’t do anything the child is not legally theirs

Also a judge would not risk the stability of the placement

If they couldn’t get their shit together to keep their child it’s unlike they can for letterbox

Metoo Are you an adopter?

My DCs BP has done letterbox twice yearly for over 10 years.

Yes and I fostered

I got one letter for my first child and nothing ever for the second

And I have fostered many children whose parents have threatened this and that but could barley show for contact

People often shout about their rights

I could be wrong but I wouldn’t imagine the op stoped writing because she felt like it

I guess we have been lucky with our contact.
but I also see a couple of BPs on this board who seem desperate to do letterbox and being mucked around by SS.
I am probably suffering from massive lack of imagination (not unheard of), but assuming letterbox was always the plan from placement, and the BPs want to receive letters, why would APs not hold up their side?

OP no experience but yes they can apply to the court to make an order in relation to contact.

If they couldn’t get their shit together to keep their child it’s unlike they can for letterbox

That statement is likely to offend some birth mothers and adoptees who post here. I also don't think that you can help a child come to terms with their past and mature emotionally if you do not have insight, comprehension and empathy for their birth family.

Boston I guess one option would be to stick to the letter of the agreement and send v bland, short letters and not inform your AC.

I have written to BPs five times now without a reply but I'm planning to just keep going.

I have not come across anyone compelled to continue contact but I think it is legally possible.

I am pro-contact. we have a big sibling group.

We wrote to BFamily for 8 years - a reply only the first year - no letters picked up. My children now find it distressing and last year asked us to stop engaging.

As we now have a baby we said we would write only to the babyBF.

BF did not respond.

He has requested his letterbox- we said of course, when we get a response from last years letter.....SS have offered help to write which has been refused. 2 more demands for the letter.

Now threatening legal action.

Our positioning is the distress from baby's older sibling - in years to come we will still be writing to BF and baby will not be getting a letter back - and baby will be feeling as shit as they do about the lack of letter back - in their words

'mum letterbox is 2 way...Bfamily get to hear about us, but we don't get to hear about them...how is that fair?'.......and do you know what - my beautiful teens are right, and i'm not going to make my babies feel like my big kids do.

is a letter back before we send the next one too much to ask - really?!

(cannot see the wood for the trees here, but have told SS he can bring legal action - once my kids have their letter we will gladly write)

It shouldn't be too much to ask, but sometimes it seems to be.

I would maybe go with what dimples said. Write short bland info for the youngest until they are a teen. Don't make any fuss about it to them, just send it off to the ether. When youngest is e.g. 12 ask them if they wish you to continue. In this case I would only put facts in and not character - ie nothing too personal? e.g. 'X is 5 now has started school in September. They have settled in well and have made some friends. They are starting to read, and count. X struggles with free playtime but the school are supporting him well.' and not 'X is a lovely boy who is always into something new. He is adventurous and loves going to our local climbing wall. His favourite TV show is Paw Patrol and he says when he grows up he wants to be a vet'.

I wouldn't send phots to someone who doesn't reply either.

or Just say as your teens do, it is 2 way (if that was the agreement), you have written, now it is their turn.

My DCs BP has done letterbox twice yearly for over 10 years.

Unfortunately this is the minority circumstance, and not by a small margin. The BPs we get on here are very much the exception (for obvious reasons).

Why would you not do letterbox?

Ultimately boston is their mum, because she chooses not to is all the reason needed. I know a lot of adopters who've made this choice and it's always been for valid reasons. No one makes the decision lightly.

In boston''s position, I might have carried on a bit longer, but I'm not there dealing with her kids.

is a letter back before we send the next one too much to ask Nope.

Back to the main point....

No way I would send a letter in response to a threat. Controlling behaviour from BPs would be a big red flag for me. I would be fuming and see it as pretty nasty behaviour.

That said, it must be unimaginably difficult to lose a child and if positive contact can be established, it's still worth having. This is what I might do:

1. Phone the SW. Get them on the same page and be very firm about it: letters are to you not kids; some reply is needed; further threats are not to be passed on- she can do what she likes. SW needs to lay the law down to BP a bit. Do not accept any further contact from SW which is about drama or demands.

1. Send a really nice positive letter to BP. Try to address the worries about judgement they may have. Emphasise why a two-way process is so important to your child. Offer to re-establish contact at any point that she wants to reply.

Has anybody here any experience of the Birth Family taking legal advice and threatening court action

I have no direct experience and IANAL, yet instead of my trademark long-winded even-handed fence-sitting I will say this:

a) She will not take you to court- if she can't bring herself to send letters she won't go through the hassle/cost (did she even bother to appeal the order?).

b) If she does it will go absolutely nowhere- UK family law does not place open ended orders on parents without an overwhelming interest of the child. This is nowhere near.

@bostonkremekrazy. Laugh and ignore, it's not happening.

As if I haven't said enough :-)

That statement is likely to offend some birth mothers and adoptees who post here. I also don't think that you can help a child come to terms with their past and mature emotionally if you do not have insight, comprehension and empathy for their birth family.

If the person who abused, and permanently disabled, my child tried to threaten me with court I'd have a damn sight more to say than @Metoodear. We should express ourselves carefully, but I think the BPs on here have seen enough to understand where strong emotions might come from. Venting a bit on t'interweb does not mean someone "lacks insight, comprehension or empathy".

@donquixotedelamancha I stand by what I wrote. I am now hiding this thread.

Neither parent appealed the AO

neither parent stayed at the hospital after the babies were born - left within hours despite babies being at the hospital

neither parent attended contact for each child

high risk adoption - we have already changed schools and moved home once due to security risks after a photo of one of our children was leaked online - no photos can be shared in letterbox

BM has written back once in 9 years - BM is clearly not bothered and my kids know it....
BF is 'new' and last year was his first letter since AO - did not write back.

Rationally i can see that BF cannot motivate himself to lawyer up in order to get a letter out of us, (especially as all he actually needs to do is write as per our agreement) but it beggers belief that SS would actually email such a message on!

I stand by what I wrote.

@mustbeamammoththen I agree with your basic point- the post was poorly worded. I just think it's understandable that some adopters express themselves forcefully.

but it beggers belief that SS would actually email such a message on!

Yeah, I think in many ways that's your bigger issue.

In a truly shitty twist of fate...i have discovered why bf is so pissed off.

I called our old sw to rant...she took 2 mins and looked on our kids file - bf wrote back last year - the letter has never been passed on.

Since then we have been asked 3 times for this years letter and we have said YES when bf writes back....wtf did sw not check? It took 2 mins for sw no longer on our case to do so....

And this is why letterbox is so broken.

We will of course write back straight away -and explain the delay!

wow, that is just awful! It is lucky you phoned your own sw for a rant!

old, not own

That is appalling. Hopefully SS will hold up their hands to it so the BF knows it wasn't you. At least it is sorted(ish) for now.

bf wrote back last year - the letter has never been passed on

Awful, but no wow. What does it say about the state of adoption that I'm not even surprised?

And this is why letterbox is so broken.

Lots of letterbox is fine. All LAs and all SWs are not equal. This really needs a formal complaint- and I don't usually say that.

Well I would say again, wow (and "wow" is not a word I use often!) that really is totally friggin' awful! OP, I hope you can get things back on track, and that the letter from bf, once you finally get it, is a good one.

I think its a big wow.

adopters who engage in letterbox. other siblings who also do.

BF who has done (although obviously i was unaware)

SS have been hassling us for letterbox - clearly BF have been asking - and we have been saying yes when we get the reply from last year.....

instead of looking and saying shit we havn't passed it on - opss...

they say NO to BF - 3 times - who then threatens us with legal proceedings....

one big wow.

and easily avoided....just pass on the letters - both ways!

Think it’s very dependent. I would love to take SOCIAL SERVICES to court and hold them accountable for the months of delays and late contact as well as the loss of letters/drawings and disclosure of my address to birth father who had previously stabbed me.

And metoodear some of us birth parents do maintain contact and actually recognised and did what was best for our child. You really shouldn’t judge everyone by your own experience.

Legally yes you can apply to a court for leave however it would not be likely to be successful unless you could prove repeated attempts to gain/maintain contact AND it was in the best interests of the child.