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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Final Contact- Birth Mother

24 replies

darkriver198868 · 14/06/2018 01:52

Today I have final contact.
I have written before on how I agreed with LAs plans that my two children should be adopted. Infact it was me that originally asked for my girls to be adopted due to suffering from significant mental health problems and recognising that I wouldnt be able to cope on my own with two children with little support

My heart is breaking into a million pieces and I cant sleep. I have been crying on and off since midnight. Feel like a failure, scared I am just going to relegated as just some DNA that doesn't matter.

I will get 2x yearly contact and Photos.

I am not sure why I am writing here as I know BPs arent seen as anything really positive but I need to write somewhere where someone possibly will understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 14/06/2018 01:59

I am sorry I just read this properly and didnt mean anything horrible.

OP posts:

EightWellies · 14/06/2018 06:30

You didn't write anything horrible.

I'm so sorry you are going through this and wanted to say how brave you are for wanting the best for your girls.

I hope today goes as well as it can and leaves you with some kind of peace.

clairedelalune · 14/06/2018 06:35

You have been very brave and are definitely not a failure. Far from it. Thinking of you xx

clairedelalune · 14/06/2018 06:49

You have been very brave and are definitely not a failure. Far from it. Thinking of you xx

PoppyStellar · 14/06/2018 07:45

What a really tough day for you. you’re not ‘just DNA’ you’re their birth mum who made a really difficult decision to try and do the very best for your girls.

I hope you have some rl support. Try not to be too hard on yourself - easier said than done I know - but this is a hard enough thing to go through without you beating yourself up about it too.

Take care

sparklepops123 · 14/06/2018 07:53

You've put your children's needs above anything and that is the greatest thing you could do for them. You've done a very selfless act. 💐

flapjackfairy · 14/06/2018 08:26

I agree with all of the above.
What a great mother you have been to put your childrens needs before your own heartbreak.
I am a foster carer and adoptor and i wish there were more mothers like you out there.
I take it that contact will be letter box ? I only ask because we choose to keep direct contact once a year with our sons birth parents because they loved him but sadly could not take care of his complex needs . So direct contact can be good under exceptional circs but i assume all of that has been sorted already.
Nobody can say anything to make it better i know but there are a couple of other birth mums who frequent this board and could well be a good source of support for you. Hopefully they will be along at some point.
Anyway so v sorry for your loss and the hard road you have had to walk. I hope and pray things get better for you moving forward, x

Jellycatspyjamas · 14/06/2018 08:58

I can't imagine what you're feeling just now, such a very hard thing to do and my sense is the circumstances that have brought to here won't have been easy either.

Do be very kind to yourself in the coming days and weeks, allow yourself to feel the loss of your little ones and use the supports around you.

Verilyfrankinscensed · 14/06/2018 09:11

Just want to echo what everyone else has said. You have made the hardest of choices for the good of your children. As an adoptive mother I want to assure you that my feelings about his birth mother are very positive as are the conversations I have with him about her and I know that we are not unusual. Good luck today and be kind to yourself.

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 14/06/2018 09:19

Flapjackfairy The adopters have said that they will consider some kind of direct contact in the future when the girls are older. I have to hope for that but, am being realistic. Also social worker wants to speak to me about contact as well.

The adopters sound like a great couple who have promised to make sure the girls know that I love them. I suffered a great deal as a child and never stood a chance really and didn't want that for my children. My mental health suffered and it was starting to impact on them. When I was pregnant with my eldest I vowed I would put her first in everything and I have.

Matching panel is next week and introductions start a few weeks later.

I have agreed to meet the adopters just not sure when.

OP posts:

BangPippleGo · 14/06/2018 09:22

You are so much more than just DNA.

The way I feel about my sons birth mum is incredible, and her circumstances are very similar to yours. She is a very brave and wonderful woman who I feel a lot of love for. My DS will grow up knowing this. We haven't officially started letterbox contact yet but I wrote her a settling in letter which she responded to and both letters are full of love and respect, so I expect letterbox to be the same. We met her and it went really well.

What I'm trying to say is that his birth mum is SO much more than just his DNA, both to him and to me. As are you to your DC.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 14/06/2018 10:43

You are not just DNA.
My youngest left her BM before she was 1. We also do twice yearly contact with photos. Youngest is now in her teens and we talk positively about BM (whom we have met) but also why she couldn't keep her. BM has a special place in both my DDs' hearts, and they know that at some point when they are adults, when the time feels right to them, we will support them with meeting in person.

universe83 · 14/06/2018 11:37

You have done the most selfless act a mother could do by putting her children first. The fact you have bothered to come on here reach out shows your compassion and love for them.

My best friend growing up lived with her mother who had bipolar and other MH issues and her upbringing was really scary at times and she longed for a more stable household. You really are doing the best thing for those girls and one day hopefully when they are grown they will reach out to you.

All my love and prayers
Emma x

Cassie9 · 14/06/2018 18:55

I can't imagine anything more painful than what your going through right now. Although your doing it for the right reasons I'm sure that doesn't make it hurt any less. You will always be more than just DNA. Although they have a new family that doesn't mean they have to stop loving their birth family. There can be move in their hearts for both.

PoppyStellar · 14/06/2018 20:19

I hope things went as well as they could today for you. Have been thinking of you and hope you are okay

user1510568216 · 14/06/2018 20:51

@darkriver198868 can't even begin to imagine what your going through but you've done a very brave thing. Hopefully in time you will recover & your children have the wonderful life they deserve.

OurMiracle1106 · 15/06/2018 12:36

darkriver thinking of you.
As a fellow birth Mum I completely understand how much this hurts, I had goodbye contact with my son on July 4th 2013

Being a parent is doing what’s best for your child(ten) no matter the cost to yourself. You are therefore an amazing mum because you have put aside your own needs and wants and put your kids needs first.

I hope you are well. If you need to or want to talk feel free to PM me.

There are also organisations for birth mums if you are in London.

gabsdot · 15/06/2018 14:47

When you become a mother you put your child's needs before your own and will do whatever it takes to make sure they are safe and happy and have their needs met. That is love and you obviously love your children because you recognise that there needs will be best met in another family.
How enormously brave and selfless you are. I can't imagine the pain and sadness you feel.
Be kind to yourself and I hope your life will improve and that you will be able to have joy in the future and take some comfort in the fact that your children are safe and well looked after,

Italiangreyhound · 15/06/2018 16:26

@darkriver198868 thinking of you.

Lostalldirection · 17/07/2018 15:18

Just wondered how you're doing darkriver?

Original poster

darkriver198868 · 17/07/2018 17:44

@Lostalldirection Thank you for asking :). I am getting there day by day. Introductions are happening at the moment but, I am being supported by birth family support.

OP posts:

Duck12 · 17/07/2018 18:20

I just came across your thread. I hope that you are ok - someone here cares that you are ok and sending you a mammoth hug

OlennasWimple · 20/07/2018 00:12

Hope you are getting good support darkriver [floewrs]

FWIW I was apprehensive about meeting DD's birth mother, but I'm so glad that I did. We both found it a positive experience, and it makes letterbox contact so much more meaningful knowing the person who is going to be reading the letter at the other end

Rainatnight · 20/07/2018 08:03

Hello darkriver. You have done an incredible thing for your DC.

I will never be able to look my DD in the eye and say that her birth mother did the right thing by her (though of course there are lots of extenuating circumstances). Your children's adoptive parents will, and that is a most profound gift that you've given your children.

Wishing you all the very best.

Flip