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Adoption

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Original poster

I've spent all evening in tears.

14 replies

BPG20 · 07/05/2018 21:01

This will probably be identifying but I really doubt the person I'm talking about will be hanging round on this board anyway and I need to vent.

DSS's mum told me and DH today that we are neglectful parents because he wore hi-tops and a black t-shirt to the seaside. He is 8 and has dressed himself for years. Apparently we should have "put our foot down" and "acted like parents" and told him to get changed. For what it's worth we would not have let him wear jeans or a hoody but hi-tops and a black t-shirt is not the end of the world. We did question whether he would be more comfortable in sandals but he didn't want to wear them. Oh we also don't have a bike for him at our house.

So we are neglectful.

Never mind that my DS who we adopted a few months ago suffered from real, serious neglect in utero. That's not as bad as his poor neglected big brother who "had to" wear hi-tops on a hot day.

I can't stop crying. She even threw in our face that she gave us such a nice reference to our social worker during our application, and when she was interviewed she assured her that we would be responsible parents - implying that that's not the case.

I'm so upset. How lovely it must be to be her, living in her little bubble where the worst thing that could happen to a child is his toes getting a bit warm because of the shoes he wanted to wear.

OP posts:

Cassie9 · 07/05/2018 21:34

Ignore her! No one ever warned me that as soon as you become a parent (regardless of by birth or adoption) other ppl feel the need to give you advise you didn't ask for on how to raise your children. No matter what you do someone out there will believe their way is better. Allowing him to make his own choices of what to wear is a positive thing. It's empowering. Do not let ridulous comments get you down. I'm sure you are a good parent

Original poster

BPG20 · 07/05/2018 21:38

I'm not even that bothered that she's criticised us - I know it's the right thing to let him have autonomy over his how body and his own choices. It's more her use of the word "neglect' that has really, really offended me (and I am not one to get offended ever!).

OP posts:

B1rdonawire · 07/05/2018 21:46

Ignore (hard to let go of how hurtful it is, I know). If it comes right down to it, even if you had chosen those clothes for your DS due to exhaustion / misjudging the weather / laundry shortage, it still wouldn't make you a bad parent. Of course now that your DS has a sibling, there will be a lifetime of you trying to split yourself in two to give them both all your attention - I'm led to believe that's totally normal

Does the pain here come from her total blindness to the huge thing your family is doing with your new child? The early months of adoption are so intense, and by their all-consuming nature, can sometimes mean extended family / friends feel pushed out. Sensible people will understand that and give you space and support. Other people might, erm, not. As far as possible, it's easier if you can let it wash right over you. You have enough to deal with, without grown adults getting demanding too!

Original poster

BPG20 · 07/05/2018 21:53

I think you're right B1. What really gets me though is that in our future there are conversations we need to have with our son about what happened to him, this is very real and heartbreaking but she just brandishes that word about as if it means nothing.

OP posts:

flumpybear · 07/05/2018 21:54

What's hi tops?

Original poster

BPG20 · 07/05/2018 21:57

Trainers that come up about 3cm higher around the ankle than normal trainers!

OP posts:

B1rdonawire · 07/05/2018 22:48

I hear you. The truths we hold as the carriers of our children's private information, can make us very raw and vulnerable to others' apparently callous comments. I don't think they entirely mean to be so insensitive - I think it's just too much of a leap for them to imagine the kinds of realities we have learned when reading CPR's or hearing info from SWs. It's a world away from an 8 year old who's got hot feet on a moderately warm day, but who has adult help/attention, access to food and drink, and is fundamentally safe.

Alljamissweet · 08/05/2018 20:49

I think I suffered with secondary trauma for a long while after my lo arrived. As B1 said, carrying lo pricvate info is so taxing and these parental experts have no idea what neglect is!
I would be triggered by all sorts of what I felt were thoughtless comments.
It does get easier I promise you, just take care and keep your distance from this sad individual x

Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2018 12:36

@BPG20 I am sorry this has upset you so much.

Please ignore her stupid comments.

I'd probably encourage your husband to speak to her, say not to use such language around your step son and just move on. At 8 he can choose what to wear. I don't know boys who wear sandals.

I usually carry a so are t-shirt for my son. He is 7 (adopted at 3) and he always chooses what he wants to wear. Usually over dressed!

Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2018 12:37

Ps of these feelings continue, please do look into post adoption depressing

Italiangreyhound · 09/05/2018 12:38

spare t:shirt..

torenovateornot · 09/05/2018 18:37

I realise that you are just venting, but I wanted to say that some children of that age still get overheated very quickly and it can become urgent and serious quickly with a real risk of seizures and asthma attacks. Does this apply to your dss, did he get overheated and feel ill or was the mother just worried about it? It was sweltering where we were, not moderately hot, on that day. We had an 10 year old in our car who was feeling very poorly with the heat.

It is great

Original poster

BPG20 · 10/05/2018 08:50

torenovate I completely get that but DSS isn't one to overheat (he's actually a "cold" child and prefers to layer up at every opportunity!) We wouldn't have allowed him to wear what he was wearing if there was any concerns. I also brought his sandals with me incase he changed his mind and asked him a couple of times if he was comfortable enough, and he was. I hate wearing sandals myself so am always in trainers and I can't say I've ever felt my feet getting too warm either.

Thanks Italian. I've looked a lot into PAD and definitely had some anxiety in the first few weeks of placement but I'm actually in a really good place now - feels like everything is going well, I'm really enjoying my DS and watching him flourish! DSS's mum just has a way of getting to me. She caused a lot of trouble in the early days of our relationship (I wasn't the OW, but was still living at home with my parents - she looked up my DMs phone number and told her I had an STI - complete bollocks!). She's been absolutely fine for a few years now but every so often something like this happens and it gets my back up however hard I try not to let it, but since she's brought neglect into it, it has really upset me!

OP posts:

torenovateornot · 10/05/2018 11:47

I think it is to do with how well the child regulates temperature, so a "cold" child is just as likely to be one that overheats.

If you are saying that there have never been any issues with dss with overheating, and no concerns over it, then I agree with pp that your dh should talk to her about what she meant.

It is better for your dc that you all get on, so I hope that you can work things out.

It is great that everything else is going well.

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