Balancing safety vs independence

[B1rdonawire]

Looking for some other views (and tips!) on managing safety at school. Basic picture: DD is 6. School is small and nurturing, but very naive. There are genuine court-documented risks to DD from birth family members.

Until now, my rule has been school cannot take DD off site without me. This has been backed up by SWs who feel it shouldn't happen "until I feel DD would be able to cope if approached" (so about 100 years then...)

School, however, are so excited about their own programme of "enrichment activities" that they are trying to downplay any risk and I'm starting to doubt myself. The activities are lovely, and the main one involves being off site 1 day per week on an open-air site where the gate is unlocked and anyone can (and does) wander in. So far I've accompanied, and DD isn't handling the site well so the security is not yet the main issue. But it will be, and as a single parent I can't afford to take a 20% pay cut to have a day unpaid every week to supervise.

What do others do? How do you adjust your approach to safety as children get older, if you do? I'm feeling a bit alone on this because obviously it's a major pain in the arse for school to make alternative provision, so they seem to be in denial about the risks.

I am losing my sanity so can I borrow yours please?!

It's so difficult when schools minimise the risks, not because they intend to take any action to minimise them, but because taking it seriously is too much work.

Could sticking with your DD be a TA job? It is a special need of sorts?

Our children are high risk - it is an utter pain.
Our littlies simply do not leave the site at all....its a no no.
Our older ones - well its a pain. DC 10 - we risk assess as a family and school together.
Local things we now say yes to , so recent bike training was a yes, as long as a TA was with DC at all times to accompany back to school if needed in an emergency.
Anything local with pics we say no to - we have no control over other parents and their love of taking pics (and posting on bloody FB!)
School trips further afield we say yes to IF we have checked out the area and have ensured there will be no photo opportunities from school or outside agencies....(there are obviously areas that would be a NO)

The things we say no to, DC stays at school and does some work, then goes to other classes and reads to the younger children - this is considered a huge treat for the older kids and so DC loves it.....DC also does jobs like photocopying etc so its a nice day at school rather than feeling 'left out'.

My DC absolutely understand the risk to them, and therefore when we say no they know why, no arguments or sulks etc....We talk it through and they know we are protecting them against x,y,z. Very sad but we have always been honest from day 1... older DC remembers birth family days so no hiding the facts in our family xxx

Given me some ideas there, thank you. It is a huge pain, and I will need to think about how to express it to DD who doesn't currently understand but was old enough when removed to be fearful of even pictures of birth parents now and asked me to take the pictures out of her life story book. (I saved them elsewhere, and added a temporary clip art cartoon on those pages instead.)

Historically birth family have form for trying to involve/manipulate the tabloids, so photos are a real concern.

I like the idea of a TA who could accompany them straight back, when they're older. I may try that one knowing full well the school will say they don't have capacity to encourage them to plan ahead. Sigh.

Thank you SO much for making me feel less alone on this.

That must be really hard for you to manage.
We have only had to deal with the 'no photos' and apart from one place haven't really restricted where we go.

Does it really need to be you (because you will recognise danger people) or if they would come up with a plan whereby DD was always with an adult who knew that no one was allowed to approach would that be OK?

Schools really should have enough staff on a trip for 1 to take a child back to school in case of any emergency - sickness, toileting emergency, first aid emergency may arise etc....your DD situation just needs to be considered alongside those situations really and a named TA looking out specifically for strangers attempting to approach her. Ask for a risk assessment to be carried out, consider with the school how they will respond in the different scenarios that may unfold and then you can decide if you think school will manage.
Good luck.

I think it sounds as though they are a tiny bit lax on security generally? Nowadays many schools are really hot on security for that age, even without specific known risks. When you said small I wondered if you meant independent, because some can be absolutely hopeless at it.

If you dc isn't going to cope with the outings for whatever reason, it will be counterproductive, not enriching.

I have found that the more experienced the teacher is, the more likely it is that they will agree with you about what the dc can and can't cope with because they will see the same signs (or they will know better what they would cope with given the number of children they have). It is the more inexperienced teachers who will gloss over or suggest you are being over protective. It is so much easier to work together with a teacher who is very experienced. My dc progressed far more when with teachers who were very experienced, ie by holding back at first they developed independence at their own pace, they still got there in the end.

I do think that trusting your instinct and sticking to it is the right thing to do.

Could you also take dc to the relevant places at the weekend to get comfortable (and experience the enriching aspects!)?

You are probably already doing this but you could also try to build up skills with dc, gradually, rather than relying on the teachers (however good they are) firstly talking through what would happen and timescales and how they feel (and from that gauge how well they will cope) and then also talking about strategies, what to do if they start to feel uncomfortable, who to talk to, what to say, about keeping close to the staff and other children at all times. Practice saying the words they may need to say to notify teachers if they need help, if they find it hard to be assertive themselves, saying it over and over out loud makes it easier to get the words out when they need to. Also how to calm themselves if they start to panic. But this is only when they are ready to go on the outings in the first place.

I think it is a good idea to be very assertive and to not doubt yourself.