So, we haven't 'passed' stage 1 yet.

[topcat2014]

All our references, medicals, workbooks etc fine.

We cannot advance to stage 2 until we can manage to get DD(11) to be more convincingly on board.

TBH I am not certain we will be able to do this...

Viewing it from an 11 year old's eyes - what is in it for her?

I am going to try over the next few weeks to see what I can do, but, if DD still thinks the same, then I guess that means the whole thing is off.

Don't really know how to think at present. Maybe things will seem a bit better in a day or so.

Trying not to be melodramatic at the moment, but god it is tough.

Gosh, it's difficult to get an 11 year old on board with a pregnancy let alone an adoption. My 10 year old DD hated the idea of a sibling whilst I was pregnant but now adores her little sister. I'm sorry this is holding you back from progressing.

Is she not convincing them because she shrugs and grunts (normal pre-teen behaviour!) or has she vocalised specific concerns?

She has said as much, along with "daddy is always on the laptop and mummy talks too much".

I had to point out that I was mindlessly browsing the net MN and not a workaholic.

Thanks,

My Homegrowns were 9, 11, 12 when we considered adoption, the eldest threw himself on the floor laughing saying we were far too old to have a baby. (37 & 35 at the time!)
Needless to say he was and still is his brothers devoted slave.
It just takes time. I also talk too much
Good luck

Ouch, that must be very frustrating. I am surprised they are putting so much emphasis on the opinion of an 11 yr old to be honest. At that age they are just selfish little people and as you said, what's in it for her? She is hardly going to be thrilled but does that mean you shouldn't be allowed to conceive any more children (if this was an option)? Does anyone ever actually seek permission from their child? We only told ours to gauge his reaction not for his permission!

I remember your daughter is very anti the idea, though, from the very first she heard of it.

What are her concerns? Not about the laptop and taking, her real concerns?

Adoption is different to giving birth, and has to be a whole family project.

To social workers, birth children add a risk of disruption. An unhappy birth child is a massive risk of disruption.

Are they offering any therapy for her to explore her concerns?

As I recall, your previous threads have had advice from people who have walked this road, and then that advice hasn't been followed. If you want to adopt, you can't ignore this, the social workers won't get over it, if your daughter does not come on board.

Can you engage her with friends babies? Our dd was on board and dies love ds but it was tough at first. She was 9 and he 3 when he came.

Good luck

If I recall correctly you asked for advice re telling your DD, then told her outside a shop very early on the adoption journey?

I wasn't surprised she flounced to be honest, and I think you really need to go back and do some damage control with her.

Go back and read your first threads asking for advice, and perhaps start over doing the things the experienced adopters here advised.

You cannot convince a child to embrace adoption, and make it work. They either want it or they don't. The way it is introduced is critical and maybe starting over could help....Perhaps in your own enthusiasm you have scared her off.

@hidinginthenightgarden, both our older children were spoken to before our last 3 children came home, in addition to that their class teachers were spoken to (with our permission) to ensure they seemed happy for the adoptions to go ahead.
Disruption is so sad for everybody, and SS have a responsibility to check that all has been done to ensure everybody seems happy to proceed.

Thanks everyone, especially those with good memories of earlier threads!

Re the 'early on in the journey' thing, well, our SW told us that we hadn't involved DD early enough...so you can't win on that one.

DD has 10 cousins of various younger ages, so it isn't like she doesn't see younger children.

We understand why the SW want to find all this stuff out, but at the moment it feels like everything is finished.

Maybe after a few days we might feel a bit more positive about how to see if we can make any progress.

having lots of cousins is hardly the same as having a new child in the family though is it?
She has been an only child for 11 years, the centre of your attention, maybe she is afraid of being pushed out, of you not having time for her anymore. Maybe she has heard some dreadful stories about adoption.

Its not about asking her 'permission' but acknowledging her fears and worries