Thinking of adopting 9 year old - advice please

[Kitkat132]

Hi,

I'd really appreciate any advice/hints/experience or anything you have to offer, sorry for the wall of text. My husband and I are considering starting the adoption process of a 9 year old, currently in FC (not with us). We are planning to try and have children ourselves in the future (plans on hold of course for now). We both work full time, own our own home (mortgage) etc..
We're taking this time to research things like really looking at our finances (how much spare money we have, can we afford the estimated cost of a child, etc.) Which look good but I'm concerned about a few other bits and I don't know if I'm trying to run before I can walk.
What about schools? Do they have to accept an adopted child? What about after school clubs, costs, etc.
Will the adoption team expect one of us to work part time? Husband works on monthly shifts of night work and day work, different days throughout the week. This means one of us would be home for school runs more often than not and odd couple of days a week which aren't covered we would look for school clubs or possibly relatives to help out.
I guess I'm trying to ask: am I looking too deeply into this at this stage? Should our initial decision be "we want to go ahead" then sort the rest out when we know whether the child would be coming to us? What are the things we should definitely be thinking about?

I guess I'm trying to ask: am I looking too deeply into this at this stage? No definitely not. Adopting a child is not to be undertaken lightly.

What about schools? Do they have to accept an adopted child? Pretty much yes, you will go to the front of the que (with exceptions).

As to the rest, I'm afraid I need a little more context please:

-Are you approved to adopt, and have been matched with a 9 year old? If so, some of your questions are surprising.
-Or (and I'm assuming this) are you connected with a 9 year old and have been asked to consider adoption or an SGO? If so, a little more detail, without revealing anything you don't want to, would be helpful.

Thank you for your response. You're right in your assumption, we are not approved and have not considered adoption before, but we have a connection with the child. They have also expressed a desire for adoption (in different words) so we have asked if it would be considered and have been told the SW would support it and start the process if we want to go ahead.

9 is fairly old for adoption, though certainly not unusually so. Presumably if SWs are seeking this, rather than an SGO or similar then the kid has been through some pretty hard times.

I know from personal experience that going from poor parenting to good parenting at this age can make the world of difference. It is amazing how a child with many difficulties can thrive with some structure and love. This is a very worthwhile thing you are considering.

I also know that kids adopted so late are much more likely to face and present bigger challenges. You need to go into this with your eyes open and not be blinded by the need. You need to know as much as possible about what his/her needs are.

You need to get as much support as possible nailed down before you apply for the AO. Get clear commitments in writing and assume that SWs will disappear the moment the AO is given. There will likely be some fighting for support for your child.

Trawl here and the Adoption UK forums for some ideas about possible problems and specific conditions. Bear in mind much of it is worst case scenario stuff, not the average- people don't post for support when things are easy, but you need to be prepared for the worst.

Consider being approved for adoption by a VA, not the LA placing the child. This will put someone else in your corner.

Assume that one of you may need to drop to part time. Having kids, even older ones, is demanding. Budget for this. If money is a barrier, you might be able to get an adoption allowance, though they are not common these days.

Best of luck. Feel free to ask about specifics, or to PM me if you don't want details public- though I adopted babies, so I may not be much help.

Thank you, I believe they were due to get SGO with the FCer, but I'm not sure. I think it's only because we have come forward that they would let it happen. They did say if it were anyone else than us (already have a connection) than the answer would be an outright no.
At the moment this child has not got any issues or specific needs, so although this might come, I don't know if it's naive to think of it like if we had our own child (which of course by then they would be) and they developed issues. I think you are right, it would be good for me to research some issues which can occur and challenges faced.

9 is at the older end of the scale for adoption, where I am most kids that age would be permanently fostered because of the complexities of issues they come with.

Who has told you they don’t have any issues? I’d really look into that because there will be issues there, how those issues present will depend on their history and how long they’ve been in foster care etc, and they may not have a formal diagnosis but I’d expect a 9 year old to come to adoption with significant emotional and developmental needs. I’d be exploring why he isn’t a candidate for adoption outside of you expressing an interest, what has been the plan for his long term care and why had that plan been in place instead of adoption.

Don’t assume that he will be able to cope with school and after school care, it will take much longer for him to develop an attachment to you than for a younger child - he may seem to settle, and have a bond but that isn’t attachment. So, do consider that he’ll need someone st home full time, even if he’s at school, for the first year and may not tolerate a full school week or long days/childcare thereafter.

As for preparation, read up about attachment in older children. An old but good book is Child Development in Child Protection by Sally Wassel and Brigit Daniels, it’s not specific to adoption but is great at explaining attachment issues for children who have been through the child protection system and how to build resilience. There’s no doubt that having a permanent family will benefit this lad in the long term, but it may be a bumpy road to get there.

You're right, and over 7 is considered unadoptable in a sense here. I believe that is why they were not chosen to be put up for adoption. I know the FCer and they have been there for quite some time, they are not showing any obvious signs of specific needs for any issues at this moment in time (no counselling, trouble at FC home, etc.), which is what I mean. Not that they're not there, of course.

Bonding and attachment, that's a very good subject for me to look into, thanks for the suggestion.

You are obviously going to tread carefully but would echo a bit of what is above. If you adopting means the child moving schools then its a lot to expect to just bolt on after school care. We relocated with our 9 year old last year who had done breakfast and afterschool club every day of her life. The only way she coped was knowing i would be there everyday at 3.15.
You also need to be very very honest with yourselves about your plans for a baby and how that would play out. Adopted children are usually the youngest in the family. Im not sure that an adopted teen/pre teen would handle the arrival of a new biological baby to his parents.

So the FCer, with whom they have been placed for some time and have a good relationship with, wants to go for an SGO but you’ve suddenly decided you want to adopt the child instead?

Why would that be in the child’s best interest over staying with the FCer permanently under an SGO?

There may be reasons why you would be a better option but you haven’t shown them to us yet and any SW worth their salt would want to know this too.

No sorry, that had come across wrong. I don't want to disclose specifics on either ourselves or the FC and for that reason I can't outline why we feel (and possibly the SW feels) the child would be better placed with us, in addition it wasn't the FC who was looking for SGO, but the LA who were looking for a longer term "solution" or stability, I was under the impression the term was guardianship but I could be mistaken as to what I'm referring to.

It could be guardianship but could also be permanent fostering, which isn’t unusual in some places for older children where adoption isn’t considered.

So, to clarify, is there the option of the child remaining in their current Foster home until adulthood?
If you have a biological connection to the child, and they have already formed an attachment to you, issues such as working hours and after school club will be viewed more leniently. You would need to be prepared and able to adjust to suit the needs of your child though, teen years in particular can be tricky and may require more intensive parenting. I'd be very cautious if your financial situation relies on you both working full time.

Yes that is the plan, without our intended intervention the child would remain in long term FC. We're looking at our financial situation purely based on work income and no other support/benefits/child allowances etc we may or may not be entitled to if we work full or part time. I agree this needs some serious consideration, hence why we are taking the time to look into these things prior to going ahead. Thanks for all the input, please feel free to keep coming with anything else.

my son was just shy of 8 when he came home, 9 when adoption was finalised.

Don't assume there are no issues. Children don't end up in care for no reason and that reason will have an impact.

I think you will need to rethink the work situation. One of you will be expected to take adoption leave. Adoption leave is there for a reason, just like maternity. You will be uprooting this child from everything they know. What they most need is time, attention and stability.
I had 13 months off and I needed every last day of it. My son loves school and was desparate to go to after school clubs but he needed to be with me to build our relationship.
Not working meant I could turn up to every single assembly, coffee morning, schol fete etc etc I was very visible at school which meant a lot to him. Once he was home at 3.15 , he was a limpet, we spent the rest of the afternoon together, playing board games, watching TV. I spent all of my time at the weekend with him. I could do this because I wasnt at work and could do all the domestic stuff when he was at school.
You can t just draft a 9 year old child on to your existing life style, you have to adjust to him. I went back to work part time and six years later am still part time, I did think about increasing hours this year but GCSEs are here.
The teen years can be very difficult. My son is a really lovely soul, but become very aggressive and hostile at around 10/11. We were lucky to get funding for therapy and we are out the other side but its been a long, painful slog for both of us.
Just because you know this child don't assume it will just be OK. At 9 he may well have his own thoughts on what he wants. A big issue for my son is choice, he didnt choose to leave his FC and be adopted. All these adults are busy deciding whats best for him, but what about what he wants.
I have an amazing son, older kids deserve a chance as much as the younger ones, but its not without its difficulties.
I think you should also think very carefully if you do want birth children. If things don't go so well in the teen years, having birth children may not be possible - how would you feel towards him then?

I would try to find out as much as possible about parenting generally, parenting all ages and focusing on 9-10 year olds, expectations and opportunities applying to that age group, practical and psychological aspects, because having a really good idea of what is "normal" or average will provide a good backdrop. Basically if you take even a "normal" happy child from a secure background and put them at that age into a different set of circumstances, the "normal" child may well suffer problems and display difficult behaviour, and the more you know the easier it is to get them back on track, and to recognise if you need help.

This child will have some trauma and nine can be leading up to a very challenging age as they are moving on to secondary in the next few years.

Have you got any experience with children who would push you to your limit as this is what long term fostering and adoption generally initials.

I have three of my own and now foster and I though I new what parenting a foster child would be and believe me I didn't! And adoption is a lot harder in the sense you get a less
Support and have no going back x

I think there are several issues here but the only one I want to comment on is school collection. Our birth dd (possibly with ASD) could manage one day at after school club.

When we upped it to 2 she was not happy and it went back to one.

After school club is not home, yes it is games and sofas instead of hard chairs and work, but it is not being at home.

Going to Grandma's house or whoever's home may come to feel like home but it stilll is not.

And actually building attachment with any child, especially an older one, you really do not want Grandma's house to feel like home! You want your new child to know one home and one or two parents.

The post school pick up is where you may hear about problems, or bullying, or achievement or delight. Two or three hours later you may not hear this.

Our adopted son came to us at 3, went to school the followling year and is now 7.

About once a month a friend collects him and he handles this fine as the friend is great and actually going there is a treat.

I suggested after school club one day a week recently and got a firm no. So far he has resisted all but two after school activities. And these were each just for a term or half a term ending around 4.15.

For several years (maybe 2) he left school and found some reason to burst into tears. The pressure of school (and he is bright with no learning difficulties) made coming home (changing from being at school to bring at home) a tense time.

You seem to be offering this child a new life as your child which is fabulous. But please do read up on what is important

My kids love holidays and treats BUT they absolutely value their own space and time at home and so I work school hours (and some time in the late evening or weekend) and dh works full time.

It is not that they need me to be constantly talking etc. Today my son said 'warm me up' and I sat on the sofa and held his hand. I fell asleep! But I still feel that the physical presence of being in the house (his house) with me (his mum) is a kind of 'balm' and as he gets older he will need it less.

He is young for 7 and I think this child may be young for 9 so be prepared for small things to matter.

Good luck.