Struggling a bit with writing letterbox this year

[LateToTheParty]

Hi I'm an adoptive mum and I'm finding it hard to know how to write our letters this year. In posting, I'm conscious that this section is read by both adoptive parents, and birth parents whose children have been adopted, so hope I don't cause any offence.

Every year we've sent a long, chatty account of what the DCs have been up to and how they're doing at school and nursery. In six years, we had a reply to one of our earliest letters, and it was defensive and accusatory in reference to us mentioning that DC1 was having SALT, despite us being positive about the progress made. I'm not even sure whether recent letters have been collected and read.

As a family we have mostly ticked over ok, but this last year has been particularly difficult re the DCs behaviour and sleep, and we are currently in the midst of investigations of possible FASD and/or AD in DC2. We are/have been working with nursery, HV, early years team, Sure Start, school nurse, teachers, SENCO, paediatrician, LA SS (not who we adopted through), and a therapeutic parenting service who are applying to the ASF on our behalf for additional support. The difficulties are affecting family life and all our relationships with each other. I feel wiped out and I'm getting support for my mental health too.

I'm not sure whether to mention any of this in the letters. I've looked at advice on LA websites and adopters blogs about it, and the generally it seems that the letters should just be positive. I'm struggling a bit to find the motivation and energy to complete and send the letters, given how hard things are at the moment. In my less generous moments, I feel sad and angry that the choices that BM made are having such negative lifelong effects on the DC. From what I know of her childhood and life, though, I doubt anyone could have made better choices in her circumstances, and arguably she was let down by the adults around her growing up. Also I don't think it helps that it's coming up to Mother's Day, so it's a bit emotive to all concerned (We had no input into the contact agreement, so didn't pick this month for the letters).

I'm going to contact the postbox co ordinator for their advice too. I don't know any other adopters "in real life" to discuss this with, although I've recently joined some online groups and am hoping to go to their meet ups. Just wondered if anyone here was in a similar situation and could share how they went about it, (or just give me a kick to get the letters written!). Thanks

I think there are arguments both ways- honesty vs positivity. I think SS with advocate for the best thing for SS- ie. whatever placates the BPs while making it look like SS are doing their best. BPs, naturally, want to hear that everything is ok, and if they were good at facing up to the fact they had adverse impacts on their child's development, then they may not have had their child adopted. I'd be interested to know whether a BP such as Miracle would rather know the rough as well as the smooth, or not? SS will always want you to paint a rosy picture, because to not do creates awkward questions from BPs.

But, unlike SS, our aim is to do what's best for the children. And when the children are looking back at what you wrote to and from BPs, what will they want to see? What will benefit the DC? I suspect what the DC want to see is a thread of love going through the letters, and respect for BPs. Therefore, unless I hoped to get information to benefit the DC from being honest, eg. family history, or early history, or whatever, then painting a 'false' 'happy' picture is what the DC will want to see you wrote when they're older. I write letterbox for the children, not to keep BPs happy.

You can change the timing of LB if you wish, unless it's in the AO, it's voluntary, anyway.

Think of it like those round robin Christmas letters. No one writes 'Little Jonny was put on a short term exclusion for biting his classmate in April...' They write 'Little Jonny enjoys football and plays for the local team.' It's not lying, but I can't see any benefit to the DC to being too honest. It's normal for you to feel angry that BPs caused/exacerbated your child's problems, but LB isn't the forum for that. Unfortunately, as adopters we're supposed to be saintly and empathetic to BPs at all times, so sometimes I struggle to know where is the forum for that, because sometimes we need to let it out! (Although for me, it's more frustration at FC than BPs, which is an even more unpopular thing to let out/air.)

That's really helpful, thank you Thomassmuggit. I hadn't really thought in terms of the DC reading our letters in future, just about them reading any that we receive.

I keep copies of what I write, so they can see.

I do wish there was somewhere we can be honest about our feelings about BP, and prior carers. Obviously, as empathetic and nice people, we usually are pretty saintly and think nice, kind thoughts. But sometimes we need to shout and scream that our children were put in the position they were, and be angry our beloved children ended up in care, and that they didn't have the best start. We wouldn't be real parents if we didn't rage about that, and wish our children had had better starts. But I feel that any forum AP try and express that anger, no matter how justified, they are slapped down, as not being saintly enough. Sorry, bit of a sidetrack, but I think that's what you're struggling with, they dissonance between feeling angry with BP on your children's behalf, and yet having to be all nicey nicey in LB?

Yes you've nailed it absolutely, to the point that I hesitated to even post about this. I do think that trying to be all things to all people, hasn't helped my mental health either.

I don't feel remotely saintly, and we adopted for purely "selfish" reasons, as I'm sure lots of adopters do, to become parents and experience family life. I think that jars with the outside perception of adoption being about people who have devoted their lives to the noble cause of "rescuing" children. It then seems incongruous for those parents to complain when family life is hard!

I'll continue to write the letters in Round Robin style. Once I start it's actually nice to look back at all we've done over the year. I keep copies filed too, with their later life letters.

Haha, there are no saints in our house, apart from St Germain for making cocktails. Selfish reasons are the best reasons to adopt, imo. But there is an expectation from SWs, wider society, and dare I say it, BPs and even our children, that we should be saintly perfect parents.

I find the letter writing very emotional too. I'd like to offer some advice that i really should listen to myself!!
How about this time your husband writes this one?!
But definitely change the timing to suit you. You need some more real life adopter friends. TATP listening circles are good. My post adoption social worker is good at putting local people together.

Just to say my post adoption team (was worcester now ACE) have been amazing. I told them i was struggling and their response was brilliant. It's really helped.

My adopted children have extensive needs - they are very complex - FAS and other things.
we have never mentioned any of the needs they have or the therapies they go through.
the main reason is because the BP have no understanding of the difficulties the children have - and what drinking did to the baby. Its one of the reasons for removal.
It also makes us less safe if BP have an idea that my child has splints/glasses/hearing aids/feeding pump/crutches/etc etc....I want my child to blend into the crowd and for BP to not be looking for a child with X. - if that makes sense? I don't want them to know that they may be at physio clinic - which is only held at X children hospital on friday mornings.....
For me its about reducing our risk as a family - the less they know that gives away our identity the better - but we do have 4 as a sibling group so are easily found if BP really want.

so we write nice holiday, fun in the snow, learning an instrument, reading is getting better, we love being together, Christmas we had a new bike/scooter/dolly etc.....

I hope you find some peace OP, for a while i felt like you....it ate me up inside so had to find a way to let it go....

OP, I get it. The birth mum of my youngest won’t even provide us a photo of herself for his life story book. I get she is in pain but what I struggle to get is why she cannot put aside that pain for one minute to WhatsApp the sw a photo so my son won’t grow up not knowing what his birth family looks like.

I second thinking how your chdren will feel reading the letters later in life. A lot depends on what age they were removed. They may or may not want anything to do with birth parents and your kids are entitled to their privacy about their medical information. My son at 11 declared that he didn't want 'strangers' ( referring to birth parents) knowing anything about him. We stopped writing as don't see what actual benefit it would be to him , letterbox I think in cases of infants removed is more about placating birth parents and I think it gives them a false expectation of future contact. Just my current opinion, for years I went along with the perceived wisdom that it's in the child's best interests, personally not so sure. Look after yourselves and your family, everything else is much less priority, unless court ordered the letter can wait!

As a Mum I do want to hear the truth. It can’t be all rosy. I want to know what my son is good at and what he isn’t so good at. I want to know he’s ok and his parents are helping him as much as they can too.

Just like my letters I don’t want to be oh look at my life without you and how amazing it is because that simply isn’t true, I have my ups and downs that’s life. If you didn’t have the downs you wouldn’t enjoy the ups.

barbados from a birth parents point of view and my son does have photos it can be very identifying to hand over photos which you don’t know where they might end up. I’m not allowed to keep photos that are sent I’m only allowed to view them because other birth parents have tried to trace their child on social media etc, so why doesn’t that reflect the opposite way? How do I know that these photos are kept safely or who they are shown to? Unfortunately I don’t myself have any photos of my own dad (he died when I was a baby) so our son will never see one. My mum I only have 2, one of which social services have (was on the funeral sheet which I passed over.