Sharing life story book

[Cassie9]

I'm probably worrying about this far sooner than I have to. I haven't seen little ones life story book yet but the social workers are adament they are putting in that he was conceived in a gang rape. This bothers me for two reasons. Firstly I have no idea how to explain that to a child and secondly bm has told different scenarios to different professionals so it may not be true. Does anyone have any experience or advice on how to explain that in a child friendly way?

Sometimes I despair of social workers. Just because they give it to you doesnt mean you have to give it to the child.

If they insist on doing something so stupid, I would re do the book myself. I can't imagine there is any way of telling that in a child friendly way. And its pointless if the birth mother has different stories.

We have recently completed theraputic life story with a specialist. There was a lot to deal with. We withheld one important piece of information about something that happened to his birth mum. It was deeply traumatic, quite frankly horrific and explains a lot about her life. But my son doesn't need his childhood blighted by it. I will probably tell him when he is an adult, but certainly not before he is 18.

I wouldn't tell him, and absolutely not without the support of a therapist

I would set your expectations very very low for what will be provided as a 'life story book'. When I first heard of such things, I imagined like one of those wedding photo books, carefully explaining your child's life.

The pile of dross and inaccurate drivel that was thought acceptable from SS was a world away.

I've completely re-done the life story work so far, deciding that the children should have accurate dates and information of who they actually lived with, rather than knowing they were 'born in the Chinese year of the rooster!' WTAF.

Regarding the gang rape- that's hard. Could you start with 'sometimes babies are made because the mum and dad plan their babies, sometimes the mum and dad don't plan the baby, but a baby gets made, sometimes babies are even made in a test-tube! There are all sorts of ways babies get made. Some babies are made when men aren't very kind to a mum, and that can make it very difficult for that mum to be a good parent. It's not up to a baby how they get made, and it's never a babies fault how they get made. When you were made, some men were not kind to your mum, and them being unkind will have made her sad. You didn't make her sad. She grew you and -insert anything positive here-and brought you into the world." I don't know if that could be a start? It means that it's never 'big news' and as they get older, and understand sex/rape, which probably isn't until teens, you can clarify, but it's not been glossed over that their genetic dad wasn't nice to their mum. I think it helps to start away from the narrative of 'babies are made when a mummy and a daddy love each other very much...' because that's not true. The books I've made have the biology in there, that a man makes a sperm, and a woman makes an egg, and that's how babies are made, then they grow for 9 months in a woman's tummy/womb, you grew in BMs womb in her tummy, but sadly she couldn't look after you because of xyz... I even drew sperms and eggs! I know many people are not happy with the biology too young, but I felt it was hard to explain what 'biological parents' means, with no biology!

I'd also advise being really honest with yourself about how you feel about your child's history, which I'm sure you've already been through. But if you feel any shame about the fact you have a child conceived possibly by gang rape, then they will pick up on that shame. Having counselling to identify your own feelings, and reactions, could be helpful, so you can be a neutral when it comes out.

@Cassie9 sorry to hear this, this must be very hard.

Aacjas been said, once the life story book arrives you can remake it as you chose. Our was a kind of scrap book photo album Be our son wants to add to it with his own photos, which we will do now he is showing more interest in it.

Our son's birth surname was in it and we removed it when he was 4 but now, at 7, we have decided to put it back in. So we are controlling exactly what he sees.

Personally, I think thomassmuggit has expressed it very well. If you feel this rape may not have happened or not have happened as has been told to you then you could express that there is uncertainty around exactly what happened.

Knowing things, even traumatic things, in an age appropriate way is meant to be better. No big reveal.

Another vote here for redoing the book yourself! Ours was the opposite, and completely grossed over there being any problems at all, and was all about trips to the park and the seaside, and what they liked for dinner. Nice to know, but poor at explaining.

Have you got a Later Life Letter? That would be a far better place to put this info.

*glossed!

Slightly different POV here. Im a birth mum who's LO was conceived by rape. I explicitly asked the social workers not to include that in his life story book to give his parents the chance to word it appropriately for them, instead I asked that it was put in the later life letter. Granted, whether they listened or not is another question all together.

Obviously you know your LO best so ultimately your decision but I'd suspect there's some truth in it so it may be best to prepare LO for the fact not all babies are conceived by consent if nothing else.

Thank you for all your responses. I may need to alter or or remake the lifestory book. I like thomassmuggit suggestion of laying the foundations as a child but explaining when they are old enough too understand. My feelings about it are something I am trying to work on. My main feeling is frustration. It was a foster to adopt placement so our information has come in dribs and drabs and I've seen the story change. For example little ones race doesn't match her original version of events so I am sceptical. I haven't got the late life letter yet either.

Thank you anxious123 it's great to have another point of view. I dont doubt bm experiences and think her experiences will help adoptive son understand why he came to be adopted. However I'm not 100% sure he was conceived that way because he's not the race she said he would be if he was a result of the attack. I will definitely try to prepare them that not all babies are conceived through consent in preparation for more information when they are old enough.

@Anxious123 I'm so sorry to hear your details to your adopion story and wish you well.

Our DD also has differing stories around her conception but the final story is most likely given her race, also. For the life story book (appropriate to ages preschool up to preteen) we will probably go with "your birth mum X wasn't sure who your birth dad was but she thinks it was probably Y who she met in Z city.".

We are overseas adopters so we make our own but for a later life letter (preteen to adult) I think we'll have to put something more graphic and support her through finding out about her birth mum's choices and, of course, lack of choices.

Because our children were placed at birth then all the documentation about facts (rather than birth mum's side of the story as told to SWs) relates to other people ( siblings who were removed when they had already suffered) so we can show her legal information that's in the public domain, and her own medical records, when she's 16/18, but no actual SW file. But for UK children that would be the next level of disclosure.

(So basically what Anxious said).