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Mother's Day

11 replies

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 23/02/2018 12:36

Do other adoptive mums feel as ambivalent towards Mother's Day as I do?

Even after 11 years I feel so conflicted about it.

I want my DDs to think about Mother's Day and want to do something nice for me. (Such as a home made card they have actually put effort in to, not a 10 minutes scribble, or a shop bought card where they have studied the options and chosen something suitable). Plus maybe some nice chocolates, not just ones from the local shop they pick up the day before.

But because it feels so important, I don't want to tell my DH this, because then I will feel that anything that does happen will have been prompted by him and therefore won't actually have the same meaning.

But there again, my eldest who is theoretically an adult, has dyspraxia, and part of this means she isn't much good at remembering or being organised, even over stuff that happens regularly. And my youngest is also very dubious over understanding of time, and the calendar in general.

Also my own DM is in her 80s and I'd like to see here on the day but it's nearly 2 hours away, so it is either the DC being in the car for 3.5 hours or me not being with them.

Every year I end up feeling flat, and not special, and second best. But because we adopted, I feel I'm not justified in wanting more, in case DD1 especially is actually wanting to be with her BM and that is why there seems to be little regard for the day.

OP posts:
iamnotstinky · 23/02/2018 18:13

I think model - take them to see your dm, make a real fuss of your dm in the way you would want them to make a fuss of you.

And talk about it and what it means in a low expectation way.

I am pretty sure that the vast majority of children get prompted!

If you start the ground work now they will see its worth to you and start to mark it by themselves at some point but it might take a while.

Ted27 · 23/02/2018 19:35

I agree that most children are probably prompted by dad when children are young. You mention that at least one is an adult. I think if you've let 11 years go by, then maybe they now think that you don't want a fuss?

I don't think being an adoptive mum makes you any less entitled to your children marking the day than any other mum. I think birth mum is a separate issue, it would'nt be unreasonsble for them to think about her, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they shouldn't have regard to your feelings about it.

It is a special day for me and my son. I'm a single mum, the first couple of years Nanny and Grandad helped him with a card and present, (nanny still sends me a card). Now he's a bit older he will make me breakfast, go fetch the newspaper for me and buy me a small present. We usually end up going out for a lunch or dinner, around the day, not always on the Sunday, but its very close to our anniversary so we mark both at the same time. ( I always treat myself to a facial as well )
To be honest, I think you should tell your husband how you feel.

iamnotstinky · 23/02/2018 20:54

I am sorry, I missed that one child was an adult, or older teenager, though I would still say many, many older teenagers get hints and prods, if not most. It doesn't mean that in years to come when your dc are older you will still be forgotten. But I also think that it is to some extent a taught social skill, how to remember and mark important events! If your DH had made a fuss from when your DC were very small, every year, would your DC now be remembering, do you think? Do you make encourage dc to make a fuss for father's day? I agree with ted, get DH to pick up the mantel now. I also agree it makes not a difference whether the mother is adopted or birth (obviously!)

howmanyusernames · 26/02/2018 10:22

I never remember Mothers Day, and only do because of TV/radio advertising, and going into Tesco and seeing the cards and flowers on display! I'm 42 and I love my Mum dearly.
I never remember the day of my Dad's birthday, it's either the 25th or 26th, and have to check my diary, but I don't love him any less.
I also never know when it's a Bank Holiday as I work for myself!
I wouldn't worry too much about it, some dates are easier to remember than others. I'm sure your DC loves you dearly.
I'm an approved adopter btw. Smile

OVienna · 26/02/2018 14:37

It's interesting to hear your perspective - and helpful to me. I am a grown up adopted child with two of my own DCs.

Please try not to read too much into your children's behaviour on Mother's Day as some sort of reflection on how they feel about you. I can tell you I have never thought of my BM on Mother's Day. I do on my birthday or at other (usually highly random) times but I am not for a moment thinking, oh I wish I could send her a card. It just doesn't seem to work like that for me, for whatever. I guess it may for other adoptees - we are legion! - but I wouldn't assume it.

My mother has always been a bit odd about Mother's Day - she has complained many years about things my dad and I have done for her as not being enough and also how much she looked forward to doing nice things for her own mom. All this has achieved is to make me feel very uncomfortable and not good enough MYSELF or like there was some issue with our relationship. One year, I had the temerity to schedule my DDs Christening (her granddaughter) on US Mother's Day. She sulked the entire weekend and actually created a huge scene. Honestly, her behaviour was unforgiveable. As a consequence, I lost all patience with her feelings over this matter for some time but your post did remind me I need to be gentle.

I am certain you wouldn't do anything this extreme but I would make a point of making peace with the idea that your feelings will not be reflective of what your children are feeling about you even if what you get is a ten second scribbled card. Share with your DH by all means and ask him for your support. I just wouldn't with your DCs.

OVienna · 26/02/2018 15:18

A couple of years ago when it was my 25th reunion from university I said to my mum: Gosh, can you believe it, 25 years? She goes: "Yes. It was on Mother's Day. But we were very proud." That was her abiding memory, two and a half decades after the event. I didn't know whether she actually was expecting me to apologise or something for the fact commencement was held on that day. I can't even imagine not feeling like I was having a great Mother's Day by attending my DCs college graduation. For me - that would be a super way to spend it.

I really wish that my mum had someone she could talk to about this. I do feel like focusing on this day so hard is indicative of some unresolved feelings about the adoption, which is so sad for me. I was adopted decades ago when there was (probably) less support now.

"Every year I end up feeling flat, and not special, and second best." Don't let these feelings fester.

bostonkremekrazy · 26/02/2018 16:09

I dont like mothers day. Too many spent feeling heartbroken to now celebrate with a big fuss.
Of course i thank the children and make a fuss of precious art work and cards made in school etc....but for the most part it is simply another day.
I send a card to my mum and remind my other half to do so too.
I'm a mother through adoption and birth.

StringandGlitter · 07/03/2018 20:41

This will be my first mother’s day as an adoptive parent. I’m feeling very ambivalent about it too.

We’re going to do a nice breakfast and leave it at that.

Actually what I want to do is go into town on my own and spend my birthday vouchers!

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 11/03/2018 13:02

Next year I think I'll just go away for the day.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 11/03/2018 19:03

Have an un-MN'y {hug}

Becareful what you wish for - my mum died on New years day this year so mothers day has been all about me and DS has not disappointed - choclates, vouchers he made, breakfast in bed (smoked salmon bagels), washed the car to earn some money to buy me a broach. All unsupported by a DH.

And still I'm sad because my mum isn;t here! Can't win.

I think the only way is to not have too many expectations or to try to take some small pleasure in the things the girls DO do. Or tell you DH how you feel and ask him if you could do something differnt next year (yes maybe go away!).

It's OK to feel sad - you do need such resilience to parent therapeutically (even if you do it badly like me...) and occasionally that slips and you really do feel "what about me?!"

gabsdot · 12/03/2018 14:44

I also kind of object to "Mother's" day. I go tot church ever Sunday and on Mother's day they always make a bit of a fuss of the women, the kids sing a song, sometimes they give out flowers.
I always hated it and often skipped church on Mother's day because it was too upsetting.
Yesterday one of the speakers at church talked about how Mother's day has a hint of sadness for a lot of people, if you've lost your mother, or lost a child or don't have children. They were right.
Personally I think we should celebrate Women's day instead. In Russia March 8th is a public holiday and every women and girl is honoured with flowers, presents and taken out to dinner.
Much better idea IMO.

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