Qs re adoption after 1 biological child

[Wonderingwhattodo]

Have 1 child aged 6. Am 43 and have had one failed IVF attempt in the last year. CAn't bring myself to try again - only got one follicle last time. Am considering adoption but I have some questions/concerns.

I worry that I won't bond with an adoptee as much as I have with my biological child. I worry that if there were any issues - behavioural or medical that I wouldn't be able to love the child fully. I worry that I wouldn't like the child.

Anyone got any advice or experience?

Oh - I am not in the UK and have no clue how to go about adopting where we are - I can guess it will be a long drawn out experience.

oh how sweet
hope oyu get a erply soon

Am off to do bath time etc so my not be back on till later.

Thanks cod.

I was adopted, by parents who already had 2 natural children... I never ever felt any different or less loved...

My parents adopted me because they wanted a girl, ironically I am not very girlie, and was a real tomboy!

I was made to feel very special, I always knew I was adopted, and was told that I was the 3rd baby they looked at and my brothers and parents chose me..

Therefore I grew up with positive vibes about being adopted, as the chosen aspect fair outweighed any negatives aspect about being put up for adoption.

My brothers never once mentioned it, although they knew.

I knew that my parents loved me just as much as my brothers, so to me it goes to shows that you can loved an adoptee just as much as your natural children, and I would say go for it.... and good luck.

i can tell you that when i was pg wiht ds2 i was really worreied i woudlnt love him like ds1
and wheni was pg wiht ds1 was convinced that the cat had the first place inmy heart fgs

Wwtd, I can't provide any answers but will be avidly watching this one as I'm in a similar situation.

I'm 41, 1 dd(7), 1 m/c, 1 failed course of Clomid, and I have endometriosis.

Dh and I have been debating this for nearly 2 years now on and off, and have the same sort of worries.

I made an initial approach to our local authority and they sent leaflets, but we've yet to take it further.

Tbh the worries are more on dh's side, but we need to make the decision and get on with it as I'm aware it's not a speedy process.

Hope somebody with experience comes along.

Thanks for your reply heifer - very reassuring. Funnily enough my DH is adopted too but is an only one.

Cod - after reading your post I remembered how a friend had said something similar to me years ago - she worried that she couldn't ever love another baby as much as she loved her first.

Sympathies GythaOggsFrogs - it's hard isn't it? I envy those who have no problems conceiving. I had planned to try IVF again but can't seem to actually do it. And the extra risks associated with both my age and DH's age scare me too. A good friend of mine is PG and due a week after I would have been if the IVF had worked last time.

I would happily adopt (I have 1 DD who took 7 years to arrive, and another doesn't look likely)..

BUT DH is dead against it... With him it is the paperwork and being judged he would hate. I don't think it's because he thinks he would have a problem loving a child that wasn't biologically his.

So looks like just the 1 DD for us, and tbh I feel pretty lucky for that...

( yes but SHAME at the cat what a woofter iw as)

I know several people who have both bio and adopted children - I have to tke their word for it that they feel no different, though the bonding process is probably different. Don;t people who have one birth child worry that they won;t love the next one as much? I know I have thought about adopting again and worry I wouldn't love a second as much, my mum said its perfectly natural because you just CAN'T imagine loving anything as much as you love your child, is not about adoption vs birth.

Lol cod - was ignoring the cat thing as it is pretty sad!

Thanks suejonez. I do love children generally - esp babies.

Off ot bed now but will be back tomorrow.

One of our worries is due to the fact that we probably wouldn't actually try for a child of under 2/3 years, due to the long waiting list.

I imagine it would be relatively easy to bond with a baby, but what about a three year old or older child with a partially formed personality and any attendant baggage?

I think it's fair to say that nowadays most of the children needing adoption will have unique problems, and may have challenging behaviour (through no fault of their own).

I worry about how it would affect dd(7) who is a very sensitive soul, and is obviously used to one on one interaction with us.

Bringing a baby into the family is one thing, as she would have time to adjust before the baby started to really interact in a way that could affect her.

It's a different matter to present her with a new brother or sister of say 4 years old.

Hmm. It's a bloody big step isn't it?

yes it is a big step and you are right to think it through carefully - but you did fall in love with your DH and he had a fully formed personality and wasn't a needy little scrap of a thing (I assume!)

also it will take you a couple of year (minimum) so your DD will have time to think/talk it through and will be that little bit older by then

I think that loving a child has a LOT to do with being responsible for it and doing all the routine stuff like nappies, feeding, cuddling, stories, picking them up when they call over etc.
Nearly everyone with two bio children worries they won't love the second like they do the first, and we all do!

When I was pg with DS2 I felt so gulty as I thought I was intentionally having a baby I wouldn't love as much as the DS I already had. How wrong I was! I feel differently about all my children , although I love them all. With adoption you won't have pnd which can really hinder bonding with a child.
I once worked as a nanny looking after a difficult 3 yo. When I started the job I really didn't like the little boy atall. When I left the job 3 years later I genuinely loved him.

SueJ, does it really take that long?

The Social Worker I spoke to on the Fostering and Adoption Team said that the assessment should hopefully take 6-8 months. Then of course you'd have to wait for a match.

Really do need to give ourselves a kick up the bum then, and make some decisions.

Dd is desperate for a brother or sister. We live in a rural location and have no other children within 10 miles.

I suppose we need to get the Social Worker to come out for a discussion.

I keep worrying that our domestic situation will be a problem (suppose I'm just making excuses though.)

sue is right. well actually she is being optimistic. it probably takes longer than 2 years. If you apply now you wont get to start your home study until the autumn/winter. You will have to go to information meetings and group meetinsg and then wait to be allocated a SW

As your SW said, the home study shoudl take 6-8 months. Then you have to wait for teh SW to write her report and to get a place at Panel. that coudl be another 3 montsh . Depedning on what kind of child you are waiting for, you coudl wait for more than a year to be matched. Unless you are black or are interetsted in adopting a large sibling group or a older child ( 8 years plus) with a lot of special needs. If you want one or two young ( under 5) children - ther are a lot of families ahead of you in teh queue

Sorry, just trying to be realistic. Teh system is . I woudlnt want you to wait until you feel "ready" as the process takes a very VERY long time and there will be plenty time to get your head around it all

Thsi all applies to families who live in teh UK BTW - every country has its own process

Wonderingwhat to do:

Which country are you in?

We recently adopted in Singapore (still waiting for it to be finalised and not crack up under the pressure) and there are advantages/disadvantages.

First stop: British High Comm in the country you're in. Find someone who knows what they're talking about (not easy!). Essentially if you want a UK passport for the baby then the adoption has to be legal in country of birth and then legal in country of residence. Once you legalise in country of residence you can apply for UK passport.

There are a limited number of "birth" countries UK will accept as "legal", and the information is not always obvious from official websites etc. I was told the only blocked countries were Cambodia and Vietnam, but when I looked further Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand etc were also out (and would have been legalised by Singapore but not accepted by UK).

You then have to find a child, and that's when it gets complicated too, as people in your residence country may not be able to "source" from countries Uk will accept. And UK agencies can't/won't help you as you don't live in the UK.

And then you need to find out the regulations in your country of residence.

When we started looking into this, we kept coming across brick walls, and for a long time didn't think we could find a way round this.

Try and find some kind of adoptive families group where you live, and try and find someone British who's adopted recently.

And tell all your friends there that you're considering adoption and do they know anyone who's done it. In the end the most helpful information we got was from friends of friends.

In the end we found a way through it, and our son came home to us when he was one day old, which was amazing (and with hindsight bloody terrifying!). I was expecting it would take a while to bond, and for the first day it was like someone else's baby that we need to take really good care of. But by day 2, after the nappy changes and the overnight feeds and the little "birdie" crying noises, he was our son. He's almost 4 months and we adore him, and can't remember life without him.

If you happen to live in Singapore, let me know and I'll happily meet you in real life and tell you what I know.

Otherwise, put some feelers out in the expat community.

Good luck!

LynetteScavo - "With adoption you won't have pnd which can really hinder bonding" thats a nice positive thought but Post adoption depression is more common than PND! 65% of women get PAD, though I think generally can be milder than PND. I know that I probably had PAD (in retrospect) and it did hinder bonding with my DS.

I understand why you are woried about bonding with an adopted child. But teh real problem isnt you ( or your DH) bonding with the child - as sue says, you have bonded with each other and presumably with your frineds and family. Its whether or not teh child will have the ability to attach to you

if you adopt a young child or baby, they are less likely to have had very damaging life experinces. but its nearly impossible to assess how they have been affected by genetic and pre-natal factors eg serious mental health problems in the family, personality disorders, drug and alcohol use in pregnancy etc. lots of learning difficulties and things like FAE only seem to start to show a little when the child is a toddler and often don't get properly diagnosed until the child is school age.

Although often the parenst "knwo" there is soemthing "wrong" from when the child is small but they either ignore their own feelings or they are ignored/dismissed by profesionals. Its very common for adoptive parenst who express concersn about their child to be told that " its just you havent come to terms with your own infertility" . And you can be seen as even less credible if you havent parented befroe

OTOH, if you adopt an older child, they will certainly have had very damaging life experiences. And its also hard to assess the impact of all the above as well. EG if you have a 9yo in care who cant read, is it because they have a learning difficulty or becaese they have been in 10 different schools and 25 different placements? or because they miss a lot of school because they are constantly excluded? Or are they misbehaving because they cant read?

so its not straihgtforward...adopting a young child = low risk, adopting an older child = high risk

or in other words...as GythaOggsFrog so succinctly put it.... its a bloody big step