Shame and schoolwork (and other things besides)

[EtheltheFrog15]

DC is 8 and has been with us over 2 years now. Generally we tick along, but something we all struggle with is DC's struggle to accept help with things they can't do, the best example being homework. There are regular tantrums and meltdowns when parental assistance is offered, especially when we can see that DC hasn't quite grasped something.
We try really hard to let DC figure it out themselves and not hover over, and really try to be as sensitive as possible when it comes to correcting mistakes. But it seems that the sense of shame is so overwhelming that DC struggles to accept help and interventions and anger quickly ensues. We're strong believers in the growth mentality approach to help build self-belief, but after 2 years we don't feel like we're making headway.
DC isn't struggling academically and needless to say doesn't melt down at school.....Any suggestions as to how we can support DC with their feelings and start to build up better ones?

Ask about their homework regularly so that it doesn't like parental involvement comes predominantly when they deem themselves as struggling. Also ask questions that lead them gently towards the answer rather than seeming to give it to them. I appreciate it's easier said than done.

And well done for adopting a child that old.

to be honest, if you've been trying something for two years and it doesnt work, I think its time to give up.

If he's doing Ok at school, why not let him just get on with the homework, he is only 8. If he makes a few mistakes leave him to it, the teacher will correct it.

My son is 13, nearly 8 when he cames home so coming up to 6 years now. Our family therapist said something interesting to me last week when we were talking about what chores he does at home. She made the point that taking things back to babyhood, he is still only 6 in terms of our life together - would I expect a 6 year old to do some of things I was thinking about. The point is there is a balance to be struck between what your average non adopted child should be expected to do and what an adopted child can cope with.
Homework is a flashpoint for many adopted children. What you describe about shame is very common. I stay out of it now, if he wants help he can ask for it. I don't correct mistakes. I might make some suggestions, find him a website, give him a few ideas but thats it, school is school, home is home. Its his homework, not mine. I focus on our relationship.
Do you think you have high expectations of him academically ?

Are there any other issues, might theraplay help? If there other issues I'd probably ask for post adoption support.

If it is literally just home work, I'd let them get on with it and only offer to help them help to work it out for themselves, e.g. suggestions of where to look for answers maybe.

My adopted son gets on with homework but our birth daughter pretty much stopped doing it from age 8/9-10. We decided of school wanted penalise her for anything, that was their business.

Could you try and get DC involved in some activities where they can be the helper? Whether it's helping at an activity for younger children or a hobby/activity you do as a family that's new to you too - could help build their confidence and an understanding that everyone needs help at times and there's no shame in that?

It sounds like the issue might not be the shame (although there may be shame issues) or the homework, more the relationship.

We're strong believers in the growth mentality approach to help build self-belief, but after 2 years we don't feel like we're making headway I think the way forward might be to build your relationship with your dc. A relationship is a 2 way thing. If a child doesn't trust the adult, they won't accept guidance from them. Any "forced" guidance is going to be counterproductive (and may even be "shaming").

Does your dc accept guidance in other areas, say emotional issues, talking about how they handle things?

If the problems are wider than just homework, is it worth getting some guidance about the relationship side of things and strategies?

In relation to the homework, you could talk to the teacher, who may suggest homework club or a different approach or say it is not a problem for you to not help, or to simply offer and let your dc make the call as to whether she wants or needs it.

Do you do other learning things together? This age often loves learning about the world, do you go to museums or visit interesting places and talk about histories or do experiments at home etc? Doing that together may eventually change the dynamics re learning together.

One reason for keeping DD (11) in after-school club - even though my hours have changed and I could pick her up - is that they do homework there. Everyone is doing it, so no feeling of 'it's not fair', no complex issues around controlling my attention, the push/pull of shaky attachment.

I do reading with her and to her, play board games, go on trips to museums and science shows, talk about history.

Sometimes they are given a project and I help her to break it down into steps, scribe when she's doing her research etc and help take some of the slog/anxiety out of it. But our relationship comes first - and after only 2 years (for you - 5 for us!) , it's still early days.

8 is very young for any serious amount of homework, I realise that's the way the school system is now, but there is no evidence of homework at primary making any long term difference to educational outcomes. Plenty of evidence that the more you read at that age the better your educational outcomes! So I would encourage lots of reading - whatever interests him as it is all good practice