Single Parent Adoption - With A Twist!

[HopeAdoption]

Ok here goes... For some reason I'm stupidly nervous about even writing this.

I am in my early 30's and been thinking for some time now about adoption. Unfortunately I have not been the most successful on the relationship front and I am now very comfortable and happy as a singleton.

This however does not help the fact I have been desperate to be a parent for as long as I can remember. And I want to be able to do it whilst I am still young enough to enjoy being the very active parent I know I am capable of being.

I have very good experience at looking after a little one from the age of 15 months, now 5yo, who I look after one - two days a week, including over nights. I have done stretches of five days and nights on my own previously, and been on fortnight holidays with LO and her mum several times.

We've been camping and music festivals several times just the two of us from when she was 2yo so I know I am very capable of dealing with a tired hungry toddler in the middle of a field!

We have an incredibly strong bond and it is always sad to take her home.

This experience has only increased my want to be a parent. To not have to worry about the clock ticking down to home time. To experience that love on a daily basis and not just a day here and there. To put in the hard graft and help and nurture.

I have a decent job, on an above average salary, own my own house (mortgage), and have a great family / friend support network.

Now here is the twist...

I would not be a single Mum, I would be a single Dad.

Sorry, I feel like a bit of an intruder to this board, but after doing extensive research I have found very little information in the way of 'Success Stories' or the like relating to my particular 'family' dynamics.

I would not be fussy about the sex, just as long as they're healthy and happy. I would prefer to adopt young though, as above, I've experience in LO's from young toddlerhood. That way we could learn together as they grow into an age I've not had any experience in (currently 5yo and up!).

I suppose I am just after advice. Am I stupid for even considering this? Would I be laughed out the adoption training programme by the traditional two parent couples? Or worse treated with some form of caution / unease?

Please be gentle

We've just been approved, and from my experience I can't see any reason why as a male single adopter you would be treated any differently than a female single adopter.

Plus you have stacks of childcare experience, more than most of us!
The only things that flag up to me (I'm no expert though!) is that you want a 'healthy' child, and adopted children could have some mental or physical issues. Obviously a lot won't, but there is a huge uncertainty with adopted babies/children. It would be worth reading up on these.
The other thing that might get mentioned is your age. Men can have children physically a lot older than women, so it might be bought up so be prepared to be challenged on this.
Otherwise, I loved your story, and wish you all the best!

I say go for it. I would hope that they wouldn't discriminate against you. I know lots of single female adopters and being single hasn't been an issue. What they loook at is the support network, stability etc. There are more children needing homes than potential adopters.

However, you are still very young. What about waiting a bit longer...

I haven't personally met him but I know my SW is currently supporting a male single adopter through the assessment process. Obviously we haven't discussed his specific situation at all, but it's clear that she fully supports him and expects him to match with a child in due course like all the rest of her adopters.

As a single (female) adopter I've come across a few single male adopter stories / blogs / interviews online. Unfortunately I haven't saved/bookmarked any, but they're out there when you're googling this sort of thing.

I'd say go for it! It's a tough process but everyone has something that would make a child's SW ask questions, if it's not gender it'll be health, or lack of childcare experience, or having a birth child, or a demanding job, etc etc. None of us is the theoretical "perfect adopter". Good luck!

p.s. I'm only slightly older than you and my age has only been referenced as a positive.

I’ve known of a guy adopting alone who chose to be celibate for religious reasons.

At one of the adoption evenings we attended there was a single guy there too. I would say it’s not the norm but at the same time it’s not unheard of. Sounds like a very courageous move. Well done for taking this step and posting...the fact you felt nervous and did it anyway sounds like you’re willing to go out of your comfort zone!

Have pm-d you!

Love your story - I say go for it! I have also been considering if this is the route for me. Lots to think about. I’ll be reading your updates!

P.S onceuponatime - it was through online dating that I realized 100% that I wanted to go it alone and that I was very happy on my own. And the fact that online dating is not a sure fire way of meeting someone anyway

Hi, single female adopter here, I know a few single dad adopters so whilst its not as common as single mum adopters, its not unheard of.

There is no reason why you would be discriminated or laughed at. However, Social workers can be a conservative bunch, my first SW was really anti single adopters, male or female, so I would research a few agencies, go to a few information evenings and get a feel for who really wants to work with you.
I do think you need to do some research about why children end up in care and the impact it has on them. You sound like you have a lovely relationship with this child and that will stand you in good stead.
But most adopted children are not like well looked after securely attached birth children.
My son is healthy, in that he doesnt get sick, he is happy, he enjoys life.
He does have autism, a learning difficulty, sensory issues, emotional issues, I expect his birth mum drank during pregnancy. We have a good life but it is hard work, in some ways its very 'normal' or ordinary, in other ways it's far from ordinary. He is taller than me but still wants to be cuddled like a baby, at 13 he sleeps with 25 teddy bears, he pulls towards independence but is vulnerable and needs more support than other kids his age.
The happy, healthy baby may not be so happy when they hit school age and the problems become more apparent.
What do you see as a success story?
I think we have been successful in our adoption. We are 6 years in, my son will be 14 very soon. He goes to school, I go to work, albeit part time, he does what most teenagers do.We have had great holidays and plan more adventures for the future. But my pension is shot, my career is over - I have an ok job. He is hard work, his behavior can be challenging. We have had therapy and family support and made it out of the other side. I am optimistic for the future. He will get to college and be employable. Its tough going, but we are still together as a family.

onceuponatime - why do you say that ?

Hi All

Thank you for the replies! You've made this intruder feel quite welcome

howmanyusernames
Thank you, and congratulations!
I didn't mean for my comment to sound as it may have read. I'm sure the vast majority of parents dream of a healthy child. Unfortunately this isn't always the case and is a risk of both adoptive and conventional parenting.

It is something I completely accept at being a risk, and something I am more than willing to deal with should that be the case. It will not affect the way the child will be loved.

Kangar00
Thank you so much for the support! I know I am probably still classed as young in the adoption world. But in my mind I am ready, well established in work, comfortable home and the support network there.
A major point for me is being very active, and taking full advantage of the physical roles of parenthood.
Also on a more morbid note... No one knows how long that full support network will last. Life is cruel.

FoldedAndUnfoldedAndUnfolding
Thanks for the info, that's very reassuring to know. I will endeavour to better my research and carry on Googling!

Onceuponatimethen
Could I ask if you read my post, word for word, however took out my little 'twist', would your advise have been the same?

Iggyflop
Thank you for the encouragement!

clairedelalune
Thank you so much for the message, it was very kind. I will respond back to you tonight (hopefully)!

Popple123
Good luck in making your decision!

Ted27
Thank you for that. I have researched the reasons why a lot of children end up in care, and that is part of the driver at the moment. I can offer so much better. And I don't mean that to sound obnoxious, but it's true!

You don't say what your relationship is with the child you look after, and you don't need to here, but SS will question that closely, and if you having a child could affect that child, expect that to be questioned closely.

The 'just go online dating' comment is quite offensive.

Adoption isn't like having a birth child, though. The gamble with special/additional needs and health problems is stacked much more unfairly, and unpredictably, for a start.

As a single parent, of either sex, you come down the pecking order when it comes to matching, unless you have something special, e.g. experience of a health condition, or being an in demand race or religion. SWs prejudices are in full swing, and cannot be challenged, at matching, they don't have to say why they don't choose you, and even if they do, they don't have to be honest. And many SWs are conservative, or have prejudices, even if your assessing SW doesn't. The stats are that men are more likely to be violent and sex offenders than women, that doesn't mean you are, NAMALT etc, but that could be in SWs' minds. If there is your profile, and there is a married couple, or a single prospective mother, then they will likely prefer the married couple first. My perception is that lesbian couples are preferred to gay couples, and then single mothers, and then single dads. It shouldn't be like that, but they don't have to justify, and can act on prejudice and stereotypes unquestioningly.

Sometimes, there is a preference for a single parent of a particular sex, if a child requests it. This often means either an older child, and/or a child who has been abused by a parent of the sex they don't want, and all the issues that entails. That's not to say this isn't a path to a good family, but maybe not what you're envisaging.

So, approval should be ok, unless they have big concerns over how it will affect the child you're already involved with. But matching could be a long haul, and you're unlikely to get a look in on the 'healthy' 'easy' 'young' type children, as they are 'easy to place' with the nice, heteronormative married couples. Children under 2 are 'babies' in adoptive terms, and usually easy to place unless they have high medical needs.

My advice is to think carefully about what sort of 'hard to place' children you could parent, and go through a voluntary agency, as they are more open minded, typically, and can advocate for your parenting ability.

Good luck!

@HopeAdoption Do you have any known fertility issues? I will ask what I sometimes ask female adopters in a situation where they they choose adoption. Have you come to terms with not being a biological dad? Have you had any counselling to explore this?

Just want to maker sure you arecining to this knowing it may mean not having your own biological children. I am an adopter but also have a birth child.

Good luck.