Help to understand

[Curling]

NC as outing for friend.

My next door neighbour and her husband have been going through the adoption process for about 18 months and have, finally, been matched with a sibling group. They are quite open with my family about the process and we're absolutely delighted for them. If all goes to plan, they are expecting to welcome the children in April.

I had a question which seems negative so I didn't want to ask her, but I wondered - once matched with a child/ren, what is the likelihood of the match being successful (in the sense of them moving in)? I didn't want to ask my neighbour as I feel it might have seemed insensitive, but I wanted to know if placements were very likely at this stage?

Also, as a next door neighbour, is there anything useful we should know or research before welcoming the children? We have a 4 month old ourselves so aren't completely hopeless with children, but I wondered if there are any specific considerations we should have when meeting them. There's one baby, and one child.

I suppose I'm asking: is there anything your neighbours could have done to support you when your children came home? Is there anything you wish they had not done?

Apologies in advance if any of the language I've used isn't appropriate. Certainly not my intention if so.

Thanks

If the match has been approved, placement is very likely to go ahead.

If I'm really honest, the best thing my neighbours have done is back off and let us sort ourselves out. They've been friendly with our kids in passing, bought them a token gift at Christmas which they left with me but otherwise they've been very low key.

Thanks jellycat, that's useful.

I don’t have anything to add but just wanted to say how lovely it is you’ve thought to ask

Agree with jelly.

You are very considerate to ask.

Lovely for you to ask! Having just brought a sibling group home quite recently I would suggest a few things|

1. a card to congratulate the family in the same way that you would if it was a baby being born.
2. we got a few gifts but to be honest some of them where not overly appropriate for the kids and we did not want to overwhelm them so we with held but the through the and acknowledgment meant so much. The best gifts were gift cards which we have out away to buy new clothes when they outgrow the huge pile of clothes they came with.
3. a delivery of a meal (delivered to the doorstep without any expectation of going in) would have been so appreciated in the early days.
4. if you see the kids in the drive etc until you are formally introduced simply smile and greet them and then address the adults in general. 5-) you seem very sensitive so you probably appreciate that the children's past is their story and it is hard when people ask probing questions trying to get a bit of information about their past.

I would love a neighbour like you.

Easier to say what not to do I think....
Don't approach the kids directly other than to say a polite hello.
Don't ask why they were in care.
Don't expect an invite over in the first few weeks.

Grand gestures are not needed. It is the small things that matter, like that you thought to ask.

We really appreciated cards and people behaving in same way as if we had had a bc. We didn’t get any meals - but wish we had!!!! Our LO was 3 and the neighbours child who was also 3 made a card which our LO still treasures. You sounds like a lovely neighbour!

I second the meal, any practical help while they are emotionally exhausted (and they will be at first!). Will the lawn need mowing? Ask if they need anything when you go grocery shopping?

Let them know that you understand that they'll need time as a family, but you look forward to meeting up once they are ready.

Thanks for all these tips! I appreciate the honesty and we definitely won't do anything to get in their way. Like many of you have said (which seems obvious now!), we'll just behave as we would with any new baby.

Great to hear that it's very likely at this stage. We're so excited for them.

I think where it differs from having a new baby is the sheer culture shock involved in becoming a parent when you haven't had the preparation of pregnancy. For me that meant I wasn't full of the joys - I was anxious, stressed and "enjoying" parenthood was the very last thing on my mind.

One of my neighbours was so helpful - in passing me wrestling my new kids into the car he said "it's hard work, the trick is to try and get to where the nice bits outweighing the hard bits, but the hard bit are hard".

It made the world of a difference as I worried that I wasn't a natural earth mother. I say that because new babies are squishy, cuddly bundles - older adopted children aren't so much and you not expecting new parents to be full of the joys will help enormously.