Adding to family post-adoption

[established2209]

Hi all,

Does anyone have any experience on adding to your family post adoption - ie having a birth child after adopting?
We're just starting phase two, and want to be upfront with the social worker that this is a (slim) possibility.
Is this something SW would see as a problem?
Any thoughts or experience would be helpful

Yes, they'd see it as a problem. It wasn't an option for us, so hopefully someone with more experience will come along, but my understanding is that it's a real no-no to plan for this.

The idea is that an adopted child would feel usurped by your need to go on to have a birth child.

Interested to know why this is something you're considering? It's obviously an option to have a birth child first and then adopt. Would you consider that?

Totally agree with what Rainatnight said above, I think it would be a massive red flag for the SW and I wouldn't think they would allow you to continue with the process if you are trying to conceive.

Indeed we were asked to use birth control while going through the approval process and until our son was placed.

Thanks for the initial thoughts - it's kind of what I was expecting. We're not able to conceive, but surrogacy is an option for us (but not for a few years at least).

We chose to prioritise adoption over surrogacy as it's 100% the right thing for us right now.

If surrogacy is a big no no we will have to rethink longer term plans and perhaps not go down that route.

Thanks for the input...

Trying during the process is a no no. And if you intend to conceive in the future, then why adopt, and why adopt now?

Not having grieved for the potential for a genetic child will ring alarm bells, I'm afraid. You'd have to be very convincing that adoption really is what you want to do, if you harbour any wish for a genetic child.

But some parents have had birth children after adoption. The only people I know are where the parents divorced, and one parent had a baby with their new partner. But no one goes into adoption with that plan!

Hi,
We've had this happen. I was told I was infertile, fertility treatment failed etc etc. Adopted our ds and 15 months later I discovered i was pregnant.
Ds and dd love each other unreservedly but it has bought up a lot of stuff for bs because he knows he didn't come from my tummy. Although we've always been open about the adoption it's bought questions up that wouldn't have normally been this early.
Ds also has fasd which we didn't know ar the time. I don't know if we would have had another child if we'd have known about this.

I guess one reason it might flag up a concern is the idea (not saying it is but it could be interpreted that way) that you’re adopting to ‘keep you going’ until you get to have a surrogate or birth child...sort of like having a piece of toast or packet of crisps until dinner’s ready! I don’t intend this to sound flippant or that I’m implying this is your plan. I know when we first started to consider adoption people would always tell me about someone they knew who adopted and then found out they were pregnant. It used to make me feel hopeful. Now it makes me feel a bit defensive for our hypothetical adoptive children...that they aren’t ‘enough’ for us. This is when I knew I was truly ready to start the process.

I know that people do go on to have BC after adoption, whether they’re planned or unplanned. I’m not sure it’s something they have in mind before or during the adoption process. If they do I suspect they keep it under their hats instead of telling the SW during the assessment. I’m happy to concede though to those who are more experienced as I’m right at the very start of the process.

All thoughts appreciated and no offence taken... your comments have definitely made us rethink our future plans.

We didn't take the decision to adopt lightly and are going into it not because we have to, but because we genuinely want to.

Surrogacy is still an option but it's just that.... in a few years, if it's not right for our family unit with adopted kids, we wouldn't do it, simple as that.

We had a birth child after adopting two boys. Adoption was a choice for us (i.e. No fertility issues) and we were really upfront with the sw that in the future we might like to have a birth child too. It wasn't a problem although I did have to talk through about how I might feel if the needs of our ac were so great that I couldn't have a bc. As it's happened, having a baby after our two boys has been the best thing for us and them. They absolutely love their little brother and it's worked really well.

Can I ask OP why surrogacy may be an option later but not now?

For a few reasons...
a) I have been through a fair bit of 'medical interventions, investigations and surgeries' in recent years and do not want to have further medical treatment currently.
B) we don't have a surrogate now. We have had a family member offer, but in a few years, once other personal milestones have been reached.
C) we have chosen adoption as our preferred route for becoming parents now and are committed to that.

I have probably put these in the wrong order and am opening myself up to unnecessary comments, so please note these are not in priority order.

Like I said previously, hearing views from here has made us realise we may need to rethink our longer term plans and perhaps stick with just adopting. Whatever works for our family unit, whatever that may be in the future.

@established2209 you seem open minded which is fine.

By medical procedures are you suggesting it will be your eggs? All I would say is that as far as I am aware the age of the egg/quality of the egg is a very big factor in success. So if you really do want to have a baby this way I'd probably prioritize this before you reach 35, or ideally earlier.

However, if you are really very open to what happens, then of course go for adoption first.

We had extensive fertility treatment over the years. We have a birth dd, and wanted another child. We had a lot of treatment including donor eggs but eventually it was clear we were at the end of our financial and emotional road.

So we went through the adoption process and I now have my two kids, a girl and a boy aged 13 and 7.

I did in the early days fantasize about having another child by adoption or birth (so very unlikely) but now I am very happy with what I have got.

I just wish you all the very best with whatever you do.

We had a birth child after adopting. It was not in our plan initially and our LA would not let people adopt knowing they woukd go on to do IVF etc. However we could not adopt again and so IVF became our only option.
It worked and we had a lovely baby 5 years after adoption. Our children adore the babe and all went well. 5 years later all is great with 1 of our adopted children, but the younger finds relatonships tricky - though with all siblings not necessarily because dc is a birth child.
We went on to adopt 2 more....
So anything is possible in this game, just dont get caught up in planning ahead - it normally doesnt work out as you plan anyway. Take each day as it comes ☺

@bostonkremekrazy taking each day as it comes is the best advice.

Thanks for the positive story...