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Adoption

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Original poster

I don't love my daughter (yet)

20 replies

comehomemax · 23/01/2018 22:22

I've been recently placed with DD - she is our second adopted child. With our first, we felt a rush of love quite early on but with number 2, I'm struggling to feel love. I like her and feel an obligation to her but it sort of feels like going through the motions.

Please reassure me that it will come ?!?

OP posts:

Dontbuymesocks · 23/01/2018 22:35

When my DS was first placed, I struggled enormously. Information was shared during intros which hadn’t been made available to us previously and it had a very negative impact on me and how I saw him. I didn’t feel love to begin with, I just saw a nice but alien child and I felt no real connection. Had I not been on this forum and seen many messages like yours, I would probably have had a complete breakdown. Instead, I took each day as it came, hoping the love would develop. It did, and I now love him more than anything. This sounds easy, but of course it wasn’t, and I had some very low days but I survived.
You already know that you have the capacity to love a child not born of you and it will be the same again.
Be kind to yourself and don’t put yourself under pressure to feel a certain way. If you need to, feel free to PM me.

Hopeandgloryeverafter · 23/01/2018 23:01

With hindsight I can now say I didn't properly love my AC until 6-12m after placement. Cared deeply, fiercely protective, knew we would want them forever, but the all consuming love took about a year. It still grows every day, but I was distraught back then that it just felt weird. Take it one day at a time, it will come :)

Hels20 · 24/01/2018 07:50

I’ll reassure you! We have adopted 2 children. With Dc1 - I immediately felt an overwhelming love for him. The first day of introductions. With DC2, it took about 6 to 9 months - maybe a bit longer. I was a bundle of emotions during that time for lots of reasons and constantly wondering if we had done the right thing by adopting again. We have and it has all worked out and I definitely love Dc2 as much as Dc1.

Hang in there!

Offredalba · 24/01/2018 09:41

With no disrespect to or lack of empathy for any of the posters, this is a very difficult read for any 'birth' parent, particularly those who may have lost children recently. I suspect that it could also be very triggering for any reader who has been adopted. I'm sure that there is an argument for a dedicated mumsnet forum to support adoptive parents only.

ALLIS0N · 24/01/2018 10:27

Im sorry if you find it triggering, offredalba. But I think the title of the thread was quite clear so it’s probably best not to open those you might find upsetting. Otherwise you would be censoring all of Mumsnet just in case it hurt your feelings.

I’m adopted and I don’t this thread triggering at all. Why can’t people be honest and say that for many ( most ? ) it takes time for love to grow?

I think that most adoptees and birth parents are not stupid, they dont live in some fantasy world where their child is placed in the arms of a stranger and it’s all love at first sight. Of course the child and their new parents will take time to bond. It can be a very tough time for everyone.

If anything, pretending that adoption is a walk in the park is even more insulting to birth parents who have parented their children for months or even years and found it very hard , for many reasons. Many adopted children have additional needs which can make it challenging to care for them.

Birth parents and adoptees don't need gas lighted, goodness knows most of them have been through enough and can face the hard realities of life . They have had a lot of bullshit from social workers, they don’t need adopters to pretend that life is like a movie script.

Everyone in the adoption triangle - birth parents, adoptees, adopters - comes to it from a place of loss . None of us should be trying to silence each other - we have much in common and need to talk and listen more, not less.

Offredalba · 24/01/2018 10:46

Not trying to silence anyone. Just trying to great a more constructive and supportive structure to the forum.

mineallmine · 24/01/2018 11:53

OP, the best advice I got from this forum was 'Fake it til you make it.' For me, right up until.we had our court date I was afraid something would go wrong and the adoption wouldn't go ahead. So when you're feeling anxious like that, it's hard to let your feelings go when you've trained yourself for so long to hold part of yourself back.
I did love my dd immediately, she was extremely cute and made it easy, but I do remember when we had her about 6 months thinking 'I thought I loved her then, THIS is real love now' and the love continued to grow. She's 7 now and I'd kill a herd of elephants if they stepped in her path. I love her with more ferocity than I thought possible.
What you're feeling is normal and it's important to give it a voice so that you can get support if you need it.
Offredalba, I can only imagine how painful it must be as a birthmother to read that it isn't always instant love between adoptive Mum and baby. Your pain must be tremendous. I think so often of my dd's birth mother and what she must have suffered. But the reality is that it isn't always instant (for birth parents either - my dh and birth ds had a tough time bonding for the first year and many birth mothers for whatever reason struggle to bond initially with their babies.) By acknowledging it, the OP won't allow it to become a problem. I presume that if it were to continue then she will seek help. I'm sorry you're in pain. The saddest thing for me with my dd is that our great joy started with massive loss for both her and her birth mother.

hidinginthenightgarden · 24/01/2018 12:09

The best way someone described it for me was that it was more like the love you feel for a partner than a child to start with. Or a niece/nephew. It is still love, just not at that moment the all consuming kind of love that you expect to feel. I started to feel this maybe 6 months in and can now honestly say I love her the same as I do my BC.

woshwithworter · 24/01/2018 21:31

allison I think the title alone is going to be triggering for some posters.

Gwynfluff · 24/01/2018 21:37

For context, I felt, as many do, like this about my birth child. I was incredibly overwhelmed. It does no-one, particularly women, any favours to mythologise motherly love and instinct and put pressure on any parent to feel instant love. It shouldn’t be ‘triggering’.

The plus side is, we have a great human capacity to learn to love and cherish and the adopters on the board are the epitome of this process.

Barbadosgirl · 24/01/2018 21:41

Offredalba- but a lot of people that have birth children don't instantly love them either: this is not something unique to adoption. People talk about difficulty bonding with their babies on a lot of the mainstream parenting threads. They are not censored for fear this might be a difficult read for a child with a parent who might have struggled with bonding.

In any event, surely reading anything adopters write about their children could be triggering for a birth parent who has had their child removed? With the best will in the world, a forum which is flag posted "Becoming a parent: adoption" should mean this is a forum where adopters are free to come on and post freely about their feelings and fears. I don't think chiding someone for revealing and seeking some support over something potentially sensitive and difficult is actually creating a more constructive forum. I think it risks adopters, on an adoption forum, being made to feel they cannot speak freely about adoption issues for the fear of offending someone.

OP- love grows. Honestly, I thought it was love at first sight with my first son but it was not. I felt a bond but now I can compare the feelings I have for him 3.5 years on to the initial bond I have for my newly placed second son and I see the difference. It might be that part of what you are feeling is the contrast. What your new child needs is the eye contact, the hugs, the nurturing. The feelings will grow.

incywincybitofa · 25/01/2018 01:09

When our DS arrived I felt like an alien had invaded our home. He was so other worldy compared to other people's children that I woke up one morning and thought he is an alien.
But I fell in love with him, heart and soul, I just felt it one day, I spent a lot of time watching him sleeping. That helped
And because of advice of others I cut myself some slack
But it came hard and heavy, eventually.

Our second adoption was different
FCs were very positive (DSs were not and that had an impact on how he saw me which didn't help the early days)
But actually it was just different, they were different, how they had been handled was different.
I would walk on molten glass for either child, but like you I have been through such very different initial feelings.
They are that initial feelings
Unless your DD leaves you feeling repulsed then I do think it will come, you might have to fight her for it though, kindly, justly patiently but it will come.

NWQM · 25/01/2018 01:27

As others have said it will come. It's scary though isn't it. Our two were half-siblings and we met them both on the same day. I felt a rush of love for my DD but it took a lot longer for with my DS. He was very unhappy about leaving his foster family and he was really very challenging. He was difficult to get to know. We loved having him but it was a very emotional - and mixed - time. Love him to bits now. It's time to earn your very own Oscar (know it's hard felt really horrible lying) and give yourself breathing space for the emotion to grow. Good Luck.

Offredalba · 25/01/2018 09:42

NWQM, absolutely no chiding was intended and I'm glad that you got such great support from these kind women.

Offredalba · 25/01/2018 13:42

Sorry that was intended for comehomemax

Original poster

comehomemax · 25/01/2018 16:46

Thank you all, I really appreciate your honest responses. I do feel warm and engaged with our daughter, it's just the difference in love is noticeable (to me) compared to my feelings for my son.
I will keep on plugging away at the nurturing and just trust it will come.

OP posts:

2old2beamum · 25/01/2018 21:11

Have posted this before so I hope I do not bore anybody.
Having adopted 3 I thought I knew it all. Along came number 4 age nearly 4, what a sad boy he was, blind cp and hydrocephalus. He would have hours of screaming, I cared for him, cuddled him but did not get the kick in the guts I had with the others.
A year later he became ill, his screaming was due to increased cranial pressure no wonder he
screamed, after 3 lots of brain surgery in 2 weeks he was very poorly again awaiting emergency surgery I was so scared I howled and howled.....I realised I did love him so much. I was his devoted slave until he died at 13. Believe me the love is there you just do not realise it.
comehomemax it will happen be patient, and good luck.

ALLIS0N · 25/01/2018 21:46

for you 2old2beamum

Original poster

comehomemax · 25/01/2018 22:19

2old thank you for sharing that and can I add...You are amazing

OP posts:

dimples76 · 25/01/2018 22:38

I felt terribly guilty in the early days as my son's FCs clearly adored him (and he them) whereas I was fond of him but it did not compare to the love I felt for my niece and nephews. I told him every day that I loved him and then I realised one day about two months in that it had become true.

2old, I found your post very moving

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