Few questions before we start the process

[cammusia]

Hi everyone! We are struggling to convince so we decided to try and adopt but we are really worried about the process as we heard only bad things about it. We have one son together who is 3

1. We were hoping to keep it quiet to avoid unnecessary disappointment and judgement if we were not allowed to adopt for some reason. But it says in the adoption info that they talk to people around us, who do they exactly mean?

2. my parents don't speak English and live abroad will they have to be contacted too?

3. contacting ex, we used to see dh son but his ex tried for 7 years to stop it and she finally managed, it got really bad and she was punishing poor boy for spending time with us she also kept shortening the time he was at ours (basically to just a night) so he have no chance of bonding with us. She is a liar and blackmail is her normal thing so we are worried that she will lie when they ask her and come up with some ridiculous stories. She is a nurse so I'm guessing she will be more believable than us 😭

4. spare bedroom - does it have to be really a spare one? We are looking into adopting a baby so would be with us for year anyway and then move with our toddler or is this not acceptable and the baby would need their own room anyway?

5. also is there any charges/ hidden charges for adoption? I mean the process not he fact of having another kid in the house

The adoption process is pretty involved, so issues with your DPs ex will come up for discussion and they'll want to understand the steps he's taken to see his child so it might be worth thinking about how you might evidence that. SW generally have been round the block ck a few times so they'll be very used to antagonistic exs but will want to see evidence of his committment to the non-resident child because it may reflect on how he builds and maintains a relationship with any adopted child.

In terms of a spare room, id be surprised of SW would place a child without them having their own room. Adopting a child isn't the same as having another birth child so what might work there won't necessarily work for adoption. Apart from anything else your birth child may not want to share with an adopted child - remember they won't have had the anticipation and excitement that comes with pregnancy and may feel quite displaced. I'm not sure what age you have in mind when talking about a baby but newborn adoption is rare. Both children will need their own, separate space.

In terms of costs, you've got the costs involved in setting up whatever space for the baby, furniture etc, depending on where the child comes from you may have costs associated with meetings and introductions. Our children were living over 200 miles away so we had significant travel costs for meetings, accommodation costs for intros week and don't forget to cost in time off work if need be. The LA contributed to our legal costs but we've still paid around £2k in legal costs. Some places will pay the costs if the process is contested by birth parents but depending on the legal status of the kids you may well have costs to pay.

It's very, very different to having a birth child both in how the child joins your family and the care that they need. Good luck in your journey.

Thank you for your reply it helps so much! There is no more evidence of him trying as after he's been stopped contact he gave up as it was too cruel on his son to keep trying. He deleted all messages and phone calls and have no contact anymore. Also another bedroom will be an issue as we only have a 2 bedroom flat. Looks like we will have to postpone adoption until something changes.

1. But it says in the adoption info that they talk to people around us, who do they exactly mean?
   They will ask you for between 4-8 references. These will include friends and family plus employers.

2. my parents don't speak English and live abroad will they have to be contacted too? Not sure on this. Our mums were references and they were also invited to a workshop too.

3. They will contact your ex if they can. They will grill intensely on why you are not involved in his life because adopted kids need stability, not to be passed around and cut out of lives. They are pretty good at spotting any BS though.

4. spare bedroom - does it have to be really a spare one? We are looking into adopting a baby.
   Babies are hard to come by unless you do foster to adopt. DD was just turning 1 when she came home and that is very young to be adopted in general. LA's will have their own preferences on this and you can contact all authorities within 35 miles of you.

5. also is there any charges/ hidden charges for adoption? I mean the process not he fact of having another kid in the house
   The only extra charge for us was travel time for meetings/introductions and the £200 court fee to pay when you submit your adoption order.