Matched

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I need some hand holding but also some honest experiences! We have been matched with a little boy and we'd seen photos/CPR e.t.c and I was really excited and it felt right. I then saw videos early last week and these weird feeling of panic and uncertainty came over me! Is this normal or should I be worried I feel like this?

You're changing every single part of your life, bringing a new little person into your family, becoming entirely responsible for his wellbeing, possibly stopping work, gaining a new identity and losing old parts of yourself. I would say panic is absolutely an appropriate reaction - I certainly panicked, and still do at times.

perfectly normal !

congratulations - little boys are fabulous!

Congratulations....panic just about described my general state for the first few weeks after placement..actual panic attack style panic. Totally normal!
It will all be fine!

Panic is perfectly normal.

However if there is any 'unease' just check there isn't something in the video that is making your spidey-senses tingle, e.g. some kind of something that isn't quite right. (Such as a disability you haven't been told about).

Thanks everyone. under I think that's what I am trying to separate if it's a gut feeling I should be listening to or if I'd feel like this about any child as this is now becoming real! It was kind of like reading a book (seeing his pictures) and then seeing the film and it's different to how you pictured it? Does that make sense?

We watched it at the social workers office with them present but I kinda of wish we'd had more time to view it a few times and process it

Hi there.

We are in the same situation as you - we have also just been matched with a little boy.
He is lovely, and we had a good long meeting with his SW, who really brought him alive for us. We were very excited, and it was an all round 'yes' at the meeting.

Then they sent us a little video of him and it actually made me wobble about our decision. I don't really know why exactly - his voice wasn't how I'd imagined it (different accent to us), and I didn't feel the instant 'Aaahhh' connection I that I was expecting. So I had to sleep on it, and I'm fine again now! I think I just needed some time for everything to sink in.

Adoption is so different to pregnancy - you don't have 9 months to grow attached to this little being. You don't have helpful Mummy hormones whizzing around your body. You are shown a photo or video, and there is some weird expectation for you to fall instantly in love (probably that we put on ourselves), and I believe that often the reality is different!

A week on, and he is on my mind all the time and I already feel fiercely protective of him, and we haven't even met yet. A connection really does take time to grow.

It's a strange and unsettling part of the process, and I totally sympathise.

Hi chocolate Congratulations on your match and thank you for sharing. It sounds very similar to my reaction and yes I guess I am really looking at a stranger and being at the office with the social workers watching also added to the oddness. Can I ask if anyone else had an opposite experience and just felt it straight away? Would be interesting to hear!

Hi everyone
DH and I were provisionally matched in November to a baby boy. We saw a photo and his file. It was very strange at first because we didn't want to become too attached until it was definite. We had 1 copy of the photo which we looked at everyday. Just before Christmas we met his & his foster carers' social workers. At the start of January we met his foster carers and saw some more photos and video (only on their phone).
We have matching panel on 1 Feb and hope to finally meet him on 8 Feb.
At first, like I said, we didn't want to become too attached but the closer it gets and the more we prepare the house, the more excited we are getting. We have his photo on our mantle piece and we talk about him daily and our future plans all include him.
I think if we hadn't been in control of our emotions, we would have fallen head over heels in love with him, but for protection we were more reserved.
Good luck with your little munchkins.

We felt terror for most of it.

The match was a good one, the best! But the terror of it being real, and all the uncertainties being real, that's all normal. However, I second the advice of considering if there's anything 'soft' you're noticing that needs raised. Without knowing you know, you could be seeing developmental concerns, or signs of a syndrome/FAS. You might not know what it is that's ringing alarm bells, so just keep an open mind, and ask to see the video again, and ask careful questions if any come up.

But panic is normal.

Sorry, congratulations! I hope all goes smoothly.

Congratulations on your match! I think panic is totally normal. We didn't see a video before meeting our kids but still felt waves of panic. On reflection, part of the strangeness was that there was absolutely no familiarity in our kids when we first saw them. It's totally obvious when you say it out loud but every other young child that you have any feelings towards, you know their parents or some other relative, so there is familiarity. I was really surprised at how 'other' our kids felt when we first met them- they smelt different, looked nothing like me (obviously!) sounded different etc etc. I was shocked that I didn't just instantly love them and feel like their Mum.

Anyhow, needless to say, it didn't last long and now we love them to bits and people are always saying how similar we all are!!