Can he adopt when he has no contact with bio child?

[HalfWayOutThere]

Sorry I name changed for this because details are pretty identifying. There is no way of keeping this short.

My friend got pregnant while at university from her then boyfriend. They were both pretty stupid - no contraception. He didn't want to be a father but said he would support her decision.

So baby was born and dad is on the BC. He has supported his child financially for the past 8 years. He comes from a wealthy family and money has never been a barrier. The child has a very expensive hobby, which is paid for by father. Father helped my friend with her deposit to purchase a large property.

The child has no contact with father. The agreement was that when child is old enough, they will write/call and start their own father-child relationship.

A few weeks ago, my friend received a letter from social services... followed by a prompt phone call from her child's father.

He is going through the process to become an adopter with his wife!!!

Can someone please tell me that he cannot adopt until he has a relationship with his biological child?

They will question very hard as to why, and hopefully see beyond any 'bitch ex won't let me' lies.

The social workers we had wouldn't be impressed with the idea. If he can ditch one child, he can ditch the next, and adopted kids have had enough loss.

He can adopt; but it would be a huge barrier- much bigger than people often imagine.

Adoption is about the needs of children in care- not adopters. The goal of the approval process is to be as sure as possible that the adopters have what it takes to be good parents. That means in terms of: finances, support networks, skills and character.

The only couple I know of in the circumstances you describe got repeatedly turned down because they didn't acknowledge error and deal with the issues.

Total subjective guess: I think someone who'd made mistakes and them fixed them, would have a reasonable prospect of success. I think a dickhead who doesn't parent their child has no chance.

It sounds to me as if he has already discussed this with his social worker and they obviously don't see it as a barrier as otherwise they would have told him so before it even got to the stage of contacting his ex.

The ex will need to explain to the SWs the circumstances around the birth/child, and why they believe it is in the child's best interests for the father not to have a relationship with the child.

I'd be very surprised if this situation was deemed to be in the best interest of an adoptive child. We're in the midst of an adoption which is seen as much lower risk/lower stakes (step-parent), and even so, the level of scrutiny of wider familial/relational history from our social worker has been immense; quite rightly of course.

I suspect the father hasn't been honest about how things stand with their social worker, for things to have got to this stage. Tell your friend to be honest about both the father's attitude and the potential effect on her child if this were to happen.

Tbh I think in this case it will probably go in the potential adopters' favour depending on how the dad explains the situation to the SW, because from what you say, the no contact decision between the parents was mutual and without aggression or conflict. The birth dad has contributed generously financially and been open to future contact.
He can say (probably honestly) that he was a much younger and more foolish person then and made a stupid decision that he deeply regrets but this was agreed between him and the mum and he wants to do what's in the best interest of his dc which is not disturb the family. He can say (possibly honestly) that he would love contact from his dc and he has made it known that the door is always open.

Why is your df so against him adopting?

Haffdonga This is basically word for word what the father said to my DF. He does not want to disrupt the child's life now and go against what was agreed in the past.

My DF is not against him adopting. She was a little surprised that he gave up on a biological child and is now desperate to adopt! Surely he should try to establish a relationship with his existing child before trying to adopt. Also surprised that SS did not advise him to concentrate on his own child before adoption.

I don't know if this will be a barrier.

I think the dad should seriously consider whether he wants to now start to contact with his son.

How do you think your friend would feel about that?

To me it would be lot easier for the dad to meet his son and work through his feelings now, and get to know his son, before creating a new family with his wife.

To attempt to do this two or three years down the line with a new child in his family would be very hard on everyone IMHO.

Even worse to wait till the lad is a teenager or an adult!

In the best interests of minimising the damage of the non-existent relationship of the past 8 years, IMHO the best thing would be to recognise that now is "when child is old enough, they will write/call and start their own father-child relationship"

As a friend I hope you will be supportive.

Your multiple ! At the end of "He is going through the process to become an adopter with his wife!!! " suggest there is something wrong with him wanting to have a family with his wife. He's presumably in his 20s, maybe late 20s, so it's understable he might want a family now

Plus if it were not for their desire to adopt he could have had a child and not really consulted anyone.

It is a terrible shame he was not able to be in his little boys life but it is not too late.

Plenty of people make foolish mistakes when younger. I think maybe even his desire to start a family might enable him to create that father son relationship in time before the child is much older. If he does not want to do this, it to me reflects rather badly on him as a father figure!

OP I think your friend needs to think how she wants this to go. if she can accommodate him in her son's life then she should tell the father.

"He does not want to disrupt the child's life now and go against what was agreed in the past.."

If I were your friend I'd be speaking to a child psychologist and getting advice.

My dad wasn't around for the first 8 years but then he came into my life, has been part of it and I've got an adopted step sibling who I meet up with."

Sounds much more positive then my "Dad didn't put in an appearance until I was13, (or 15, or18 or whatever), and by then he had another chlldvonlnew nothing of, an adopted son/daughter!"

However, if interest in the son is just to get through adoption, that doesn't sound good.

Is your friend is open to contact? I think if she is, she needs to challenge this 'agreement'. It was made almost a decade ago. He was not interested in being a parent then, he is now, so things have changed a lot!

Your friends biggest hurdle might be her son's dad's wife. But that is not the issue here, it is the little boy.

"Surrely he should try to establish a relationship with his existing child before trying to adopt"

I agree, sorry @HalfWayOutThere I misread your !! As meaning you did not approve of him but I see you are on favour of the relationship.

We adopted despite my husband having no contact with his bio daughter. But we have court papers to verify his attempts to gain access and documenting her mothers obstruction. And she is now an adult so it would have been wrong to try to force ourselves into her life.
But it is possible to adopt in those circumstances.

My friend is not against a relationship. I have suggested that a child psychologist is consulted and my friend said she thought about this too.

The child knows the father's name and has been shown photographs including some very recent ones (Facebook profile pictures).

To make things even more complicated father actually never told his parents (father now deceased) and siblings about his biological child.

My friend wants the father to tell his family and many friends about the child first. Only then she will accept contact.

Can the father be granted access against my friend's wishes? Father is on the birth certificate and he pays support voluntary. There are no agencies involved.

If he goes to court, he can be granted contact against the mother's wishes, yes. SWs would question why he hasn't gone to court, you can represent yourself, it's not costly. Court would ask for mediation, first, though. Basically, if he wants contact, and will commit to it, he should have it. He should start parenting the child he has before having another one, birth or adoption.

Sounds like he needs to tell his extended family, though. Bit crap for the lad to be his dirty secret.

Secrets will ring massive alarms bells in the adoption process, SWs don't like them at all.

I agree that secrets are the kind of red flags that his social worker will be looking out for.

But wider than that, I don't think they'll like this concept of "the child can get in touch when they want a relationship". It's not how children work; it's up to their parents to teach them how to develop relationships and show love and affection before the child knows how to reciprocate.
If the mother had never let him have any involvement, and for some reason (such as perhaps him ending up living in a different country to his child) he couldn't get to establish a relationship with them through the court system, I can see that it might not be a problem.

But this is a man who chose not to be involved with his child, to the point of not even telling his family he'd become a father. That's very pertinent information re adoption; if he adopted, would his child not be allowed to know about their half sibling? Be told, but not allowed to mention them to parent's families? What about when the sibling turned up on the doorstep wanting a relationship with the father - how would that affect the adopted child?

The secretive aspect is worrying. However, he does have some time to put right or at least make the best of it!

I think 8 is still young and if he (father) can get through this and forge relationship it will be better for son, (assuming he is basically a nice man) And for future child.

If he cannot even face telling his own mum, how will he stand up for adopted child if there are future family clashes. A parent needs to be ready to go all out for their child. For all their children.

I would think that it wouldn’t be in the interest of an adopted child to discover the father had a birth child with whom he had no contact by choice...

My adopted DS, in those circumstances, would have a lot of anxiety as to whether his father would decide not to see him anymore.

In addition, during our approval process it was discovered we had a ‘secret’ around contact (not children. DH was in touch with an estranged family member without the knowledge of all his family)

We were told this has to be brought out into the open before we would be taken to panel. No secrets in adoption and all that.

@HalfWayOutThere any news from your friend? I hope it will work out. My son is 7 it still feels very young. They do not remember much before 3 but actually ds looks at pictures now of himself at 5 and remembers little. So if absent dad of goi g to reappear the sooner the better IMHO. Plus children are very forgiving and accepting. Teenagers less so (I think) and if the lad reaches adulthood without his dad ever putting in an appearance the man (as he will be then) may well wonder if he even wants to see him!

@PoppyCherry I totally agree secrets can be corrosive. Assume your dh managed to tell the family and it was ok? Daunting task but good on him for doing it.

Sorry, no real update at the moment. Apparently Social Services will interview my friend on the phone. This will be for the adoption.

My friend is going to write a letter to the father and set out a few rules. On top of my head:

1. He has to tell his whole extended family about his biological child.
2. He has to build the relationship gradually i.e. no turning up on the doorstep and announcing I'm your dad! She asked him to send a physical photo of him and a card to start with.
3. Biological parents and child will consult a child psychiatrist.
4. Father is not to seek access via court, everything has to be agreed amicably.
5. If child wants to stop contact at any point, father will have to accept this.

Sorry I don't have more news than this at the moment.

@PoppyCherry thank you for sharing... if the father has been told this my social services, I hope he is not wanting contact just to tick a box. I know I sound harsh and I have to admit that the father is really not a nasty guy. He's always been a bit of a hippie... To me it feels he has this big plan saving some "stranger" and adopting etc. When he has not bothered about his own child.

To be honest, the family situation was something and nothing (to us, not the SW!)

Their worry stemmed from a concern that we would expect the kids to have contact with this estranged family member and then ask them to lie to other family in order to protect the ‘secret’

We reassured them that the kids wouldn’t have contact with the estranged member (lived 000s of miles away) and that if they ever bumped into them (by some extreme coincidence) we would never ask them to lie.

They took that away to think about... but by the time we spoke about it again, it was all out in the open (with no issues)

SW will root out people who want to rescue kids, don’t worry.

Best your friend can do is be neutral and honest.

@HalfWayOutThere it's great your friend has these things in place, they seem very sensible.

I hope that all will work out.