Adoption - some preliminary questions before we start the roller coaster ride!!!

[ChrisL39]

Hello, I have some questions regarding adoption.

A bit of history - we have a daughter who is 2.5 and are unable to have any more children. We have therefore decided we would love to adopt. I am 42, DH is 43. I'm a bit stuck as to how to begin! We have one issue in that DH is in the army so we are based during the week in London but we have our own cottage in Berkshire where we go to at weekends. DH is likely to leave the army in the next year so we will then be based in the country and DD will go to school there. But until then she will be at nursery in London. How & where should we start the ball rolling? We are keen to get started ASAP as ideally there won't be too large an age gap between the children. We would like to adopt a child up to 18 months old (I'm sure this is the same as everyone!).

Can anyone offer any advice?!!

Thank you in advance

Hi. I can understand your desire to get on with things, but as Social Work normally like there to be roughly a minimum of a 3 year gap between children, I don't think there's a rush. I would wait until you have moved and are settled as you wouldn't want to bring more change into the life of a child who has already experienced so much upheaval.

The only thing is to check the maximum age for adopters of young children in the area you'll be settling in. With us at least one parent needs to be under 45.

I don't think everyone does want to be matched with a very young child, people are different and the younger a child is, usually the more uncertainty there is in their development.

I know it's hard to wait, but there is loads you could do to prepare yourself in the meantime.

Thanks GirlsWhoWearGlasses I thought there was a minimum of 2 years between children? Given that the adoption process usually takes 18 months and we will be definitely be based in one place by then I thought we should start the process now - I just wondered if it was better to start in Berkshire or London?

It's possible that it varies, but we've adopted twice and the second time round we were only considered for children at least 3 years younger than DD1. As it happens there are 4 years between our two and I think that has been all to the good.

I know your situation is a bit different to out and out moving, but as SW will want to look at your support network etc and will almost certainly want to see you in your settled life, they may not be keen to assess you yet. You never know til you ask them of course!

Do you have any suggestions as to which agencies to approach?

Hi, firstly congratulations on your decision.

I have a birth dd and adopted my LO 4 years ago, the age gap was 4 years. At the time we started the process the recommended gap was 4 years so although i started the process before the gap was big enough SS was happy to proceed.

There should be no issue with your dp in the army.

Regarding s house move, it will probably be recommended that you do this either before a child is placed, or st least a couple if years after placement to remove any further change for the child.

Regarding age, there was no upper limit when I applied.

As for agency, I went through my local authority and I can’t fault them. The process was relatively painless and I didn’t experience any issues or hold ups.

Hi @ChrisL39 in your shoes I'd probably go to an open evening in the area you live now and in the area you plan to move to (if you can). But realistically I would probably not consider starting the process until you have moved to your new home.

If you want to start earlier I'd consider moving earlier, or at least talk directly to social services. The thing is if you start the process in one area and then move it could be complicated, ask them. Plus if you start one place and move you may need to go through some/all of it again in your new place.

You'll need a support network of people in the place you live, and so not sure how much you can do the ground work in place and then move to another, but I am not a social worker.

We adopted with our local authority and all was well. I believe the army used to have it's own adoption charity but they (like all adoption charities) will not directly have their own kids to find adoptive parents for.

Good luck.

Like other posters, we adopted through our Local Authority. Particularly given the age range you are talking about, that may be your best bet.

Just a couple of points to add: the required age difference between BC and AC does vary, in our area it’s two years (not London/Berkshire, sorry). Also, you say the adoption process usually takes 18 months - where is this figure from? The approval process takes six months but the time after that, when you are matched with a child, can be anything from months to years and it’s almost impossible to predict what it will be. Our child was placed 13 months after we started the process, our friends’ DC arrived 9 months after they applied. However, I know others who are still waiting 2 and 3 years after approval and there is no sign of a potential match. I’m not saying this to put you off, but rather to indicate that timescales very hugely.
Good luck whatever you decide to do!

I think SSAFA still have an adoption agency. Might be worthwhile talking to them and local ones to see which you like the best.

Thank you all. Food for thought...

I, and many others, would advise re-thinking why you want a small age gap. Generally, the level of needs of adopted children are such that the bigger the better in terms of age gap. I can see the rush in terms of your own age, but for the sake of your birth child, it may be worth waiting a bit.

Your child is unlikely to get the close in age playmate that a birth child with that age gap would be.

Agree with @thomassmuggit there is neatly doc years between my birth dd and adopted ds.