Match breakdown

[whenohwhen]

We've been approved for a year. Had a few links that haven't worked out for one reason or another. Were matched quite recently and it's broken down due to court issues.
I feel a little bit broken tbh. I really felt this was the one.
We've cancelled a holiday, spent some money on house stuff in preparation. I've even stayed in a job I don't like to utilise the adoption leave. It all feels a bit pointless just now.

Not sure why I'm posting about it really. Just after some words of encouragement or support I think. Not sure what to do with myself. We've received some other profiles but none feel right.

Does anyone have any similar tales that ended well? Need a bit of cheer this grey January day.

Oh i am so sorry to hear this. It is incredibly hard when things beyond your control ruin the future you had mapped out.
I am a foster carer who really wanted to adopt and it took many years of battling and a couple of failed attempts to get there due to circumstances i had no control over and it was so rage inducing to have decisions made by people who had never even met us that destroyed our hopes and dreams.
All i can say is press on ! I had a canvass that said " Live your dream ! Do what you love ! Never give up ! " It ended up in the bin after a match fell through ( again ) and i despaired but the next day i wrote my mantra on the mirror in lipstick and battled on.
A few weeks later we were offered a little one of 11 months as a foster placement . The plan for him was adoption and once a placement order was granted we were approved and matched and 18 months after joining our family he was our son.
It was worth all the heartache and he is perfect for us and us for him . So hang in there . You will get there and it will be all the sweeter for the wait. Hope you find your little one soon. Keep us updated if you can as . All the best x

Thank you flapjackfairy it's weird you talk about your canvas, I bought one just before Christmas that says "this is happy ever after". Damn thing can go to the landfill with yours

It's such a difficult feeling, I'm even sat here figuring out when my next fertile week is so I can get pregnant and put my two fingers up to adoption. And I'm infertile, I can't even get pregnant

I bought all our stuff for the introductions book yesterday and was going to spend tonight making it. Dh is away so I'm just going to finish the Christmas wine instead. He doesn't even know yet. He'll be gutted, especially not to be here

Is it definitely off or is there a chance of resolving the issues?
And yes yes to wine. Cry , scream , rant etc and give yourself time to grieve if needs be.
Then deep breath and plough on . It is the only way to get to where you ultimately want to be. But it is crap at times.
Sending a huge hug xxx

Thank you. It's really really appreciated.

I think it's definitely off for now. A reassessment needs to take place, then go back to court. No one knows the likely outcome of that. Or at least won't tell me.

The suggestion is that we move on. I'm not sure if I can or want to. I'm not sure how long any of it might take, I don't know what kind of assessment or who it's with. I don't know why this wasn't done before either.

I feel like this might be a lapse on the part of ss. Maybe I just need someone to blame

Quite common afraid child approved for adoption only for some family member who has not been aware of birth or situation too come forward, then having too be assessed as a suitable adoption applicant.
Have too wait until process is complete and court outcome , if applicant get's the approval.

@whenohwhen I am so sorry this has happened.

I hope you will just be really nice to yourself and your dh.

Have you had a chance to make an appointment with your social worker to talk it through and find out what happened, with your dh?

"The suggestion is that we move on. I'm not sure if I can or want to. I'm not sure how long any of it might take, I don't know what kind of assessment or who it's with. I don't know why this wasn't done before either."

I think maybe you need to find suitable answers to these questions before you can feel ready to move on.

"I feel like this might be a lapse on the part of ss. Maybe I just need someone to blame"

It's fine to want to blame someone, and if there really were slip ups then of course that is terrible. But these things do happen.

It may be you are able to wait it out, or it may be best to move on. But you and your dh can talk about what moving on means.

We were interested in a child and it came to nothing. We did not get to the stage you did. But I did spend a lot of time thinking about this child. She was adorable looking and we were keen but we were not right for her. It was not the same situation as you at all. However, it was over Christmas (four years ago). Our son has been with us now for over three and a half years. We saw his profile in the January.

I really hope your time will come, do not lose hope in the system.

XX

Have pmd you

How are you doing? Xx

It didn't work out. We were waiting to hear the outcome of a challenge to the hearing and today heard that a relative has had a positive assessment. It didn't work out for us, hopefully a positive outcome for the child.
Just updating as this is the reality of the process and wanted the Googlers and the lurkers to know how things go sometimes.
( I am a lurker myself and always wonder how these stories turn out) Hopefully sharing will help someone somewhere.
Onwards for us, chins up and heads held high and all that.

Sorry it did not work out for you.
Let me tell you our story - we are the opposite side to you as we have our nephew on an SGO. The day SW went to court for his placement order the judge heard we wanted to apply for an SGO and the placement order was rejected of course. We had a positive assesment and he came home a few months later.
I never asked if SS had found him prospective adopters and the info was never offered, but of course SS may well have found him a family. They may not have done - some LA's dont look until a child has a PO, for this exact reason. I'd rather not know 😕.
Hopefully my nephew is in the right place, and time, place, seasons will change, and your heart will heal and you will find your little one, and they will find you.
Take care.

Good luck to you when. And also to you boston. I thought that a placement order was a pre-requisite before potential adoptive families were sought? Which stage of the process broke down in court. Sorry to ask a direct question when you must be hurting.

Contests can happen at anytime pre adoption order. Placement order can be shelved if a viable contest is made. In theory this can even happen post placement/pre adoption order but I've never heard of a case whereby that has happened.
Sometimes an unknown relative just comes out of the woodwork. Often, this is down to both birth parents and social workers notifying everyone involved. Then said relative finds out and approaches the courts after a plan for the child has been formed.

Congratulations boston I very much hope this child has the outcome that your child has. Quite rightly we aren't privy to the details but I hope it's someone really nice.

*not notifying

When - I think just once its happened when a child was returned to its aunt post adoptive placement. You can find legal articles on it but the child isnt named. It is family X vesus the LA if my rusty brain recalls.
It set a legal precedent, but was very unpopular amongst adopters/SW for obvious reasons 😕.
I hope all concerned in that case are healing, and that child doing well now too.

I am so sorry. Sending you huge hug xxx

It's a slow process I have to say. We had been approved for 20 months when we were finally matched- I can only say after a few possible matches we were then finally matched with our boy.
The right one is there for you- you just have to be patient xx