Just read Sally Donovan's second book

[topcat2014]

So, I have just read Sally Donovan's second book (in a day) - it is well written, and to an extent I couldn't put it down.

However, I feel I now need to prepare for:

Family life being complete chaos.
Everything in the house being wrecked.
Fallouts with family and friends after visits - which will wither away.
Having to give up any extra curricular life (for the adults),

On balance - it feels a bit more gloomy than maybe I thought.

Anyone able to balance that out a bit for me?

It’s none of our dream scenarios and I don’t know how common the worst cases actually are, but I do think you need to be prepared that it could happen.

To a certain extent though it’s kind of offset against your new life with DC - it’s not your current life with those added negatives, iyswim.

Any new parent will have a less cared for house, different relationships with their friends/family, more chaos, it’s par for the course.

The difference for adoptive parents is it mightn’t stop as they grow older and/or it might be worse.

Does that help? 😬

FWIW, we’ve got a wall-scribbler. Nothing seems to deter her. So pens are all kept out of reach. It’s not how I imagined life with a 8yo would be, but it’s not the end of the world.

Similarly, neither of mine seem able to come out of school with the same things they went in with and both are always last out. You get used to waiting and you buy cheap. I have to be organised enough for us all. (I do literally stand in the playground running through a mental check; shoes, socks, shorts, jumper, bag, lunch box...)

I don’t know how/if I’d have handled anything worse but at some point you just have to trust that you would.

That's one of the reasons I dislike Sally Donovan, her experience is her experience and she's had an incredibly challenging time but it's not always like that. I tend to this of the adage "hard cases make bad law", yes her experiences are relevant in as much as it's possible for kids to really struggle it's equally possible for kids to settle and respond well - it's just nobody writes about that.

Everyone has difficult times as a parent and adoption brings its own particular challenges - some of which feel extreme bit of all the adoptive parents I know the vast majority are getting on with being a family, without huge drama most of the time. I'm not saying Donovan's experiences aren't worth considering but I don't think any adoptive parent I know has experienced the extremes of behaviour or the prolonged chaos that she describes.

Ditto the above. Relatively early days for us (6 months in) but bears very little relation to that book.

We have 4 adopted children who have extensive needs, 1 bc, 1 fc.
In 10 years we have had 2 broken precious items..... 1 through carelessness, 1 via washing up. None via destruction.
Our children are so caring to people, animals, objects.
Everyone comments on the calmness in our home - we have routine - our children need it! I need it! If i feel chaos building we revert to simple things, table together, colouring, calm music etc....and the calm returns fairly quickly.
We have never had a falling out, though mil has struggled with how 'structured' we are with our kids....no flexibility on tv, sweets, bedtime etc gives our kids security and the boundaries they need, but denies the GParents of fun and secrets 😕....but after 7-8 years they finally understood and now keep within our boundaries and peace reigns.
My dh has a fantastic social life....me less so but I have 4 under 4 and am permenantly knackered and crave my bed by 8pm! We do have offers of babysitters and went on a date recently 😊
We know larger families made up of all BC whose houses are chaos, toys broken, walls drawn on etc....so maybe its about whats important and where you start from on day 1?.....that lifestyle simply wouldnt work for my personality, my friend seems to thrive in it 😦 - we're all different arent we.

I think understanding the importance of routine and structure in helping children feel safe is so important. We too have very regimented times for bed and are extremely careful about sweets, fizzy drinks etc. We rarely deviate too far from routine and if we know, for example, it'll be a late night, the next day is completely clear and we expect a backlash in behaviour. I set quite clear boundaries and we hold both kids quite tightly because they can't cope with too much flexibility - it confuses them. In that sense we parent differently from most of our peers, who think we're quite rigid in our approach but they don't see how scared our kids are when things feel moveable and uncertain.

Yes it means we're less spontaneous and are more tied to the house than we might like but at the moment the kids really need a lot of rest and a good routine. When they sleep well they can regulate emotions more easily and can manage their behaviour. I'm not saying it's not hard work and there are certainly challenges with both kids but finding what works for us and starting that early on has been essential for us.

@fatberg - thanks!

Oh - and everyone else too!

I find it best not to read the books - you get all prepared for one thing and what actually happens is completely different.

My 2.5 year old has minor tantrums, occasional writing on walls, adores animals and is very gentle, likes lots of hugs and love. No, Sally Donovan is nowhere near my life! I suppose the idea that this might all change in the teen years or something is always there but she is here and we love her so that is that really!

I haven't read the Sally Donovan books. I keep wondering how she managed to keep some privacy for her children, does anyone know? How old are the children now?

OP, another thing to note is that at the time Sally Donovan adopted, less was known and understood about developmental trauma and recovery, so that makes a difference too.

Hi Topcat

As an experienced adopter (10 years in) x 2, I think it would be facile to say that things do not ever pan out how Sally writes it. Adoption is the ultimate triumph of hope over experience and each of us prays that we will be the family to dodge the bullet and live how we would live with the children born to us naturally and of our genes.

Quite often, the innate difficulties our children experience/exhibit do not become apparent until they start formal education and the differences between them and their peers become increasingly more apparent as the years progress. Regardless of how young our adopted children are/were when they came to live with us.

I can’t advocate enough the importance of listening to and learning from the experiences of those who’ve trodden this often singular and lonely path before us. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.

Having said that, in answer to your specific questions/observations:

Family life being complete chaos - my eldest girl has a genius iq (officially tested) but can scream blue murder to the extent I dread the police being called to our doorbell

Everything in the house being wrecked - nickname of youngest adopted child is Wreck-It Ralph, think she has a lucrative future ahead of her as a Hollywood stuntperson, but I’m not sure how much of this I attribute to her being adopted as opposed to a naturally exuberant and incredibly physically capable child

Fallouts with family and friends - well, you know that carefully illustrated eco-map your adoption worker asks you construct as part of your approval process, rip it up and use it to light your next barbecue. Seriously, your support network will almost definitely change for one reason or another. People will and do fall away for the silliest of reasons; similarly, you may choose to end friendships or relationships over real or perceived unkindness to your adopted children. I’ve had good friendships end because the other parties were resentful my child got priority status in school admissions, for example.

Having to give up any extra-curricular life for the adults - I am a single adopter so I can’t comment on this issue for the coupled-up, but, judging by most of the parents in my network, there’s not much extra-curricular anything going on for anyone, certainly not in the early years. Parenting, especially if you’re a working parent, can be exhausting and all-consuming

@moomin - thanks.

(Shame there is no way on MN of simply thanking posts to show that they have been read..)

I was thinking of reading the book, but not sure now whether I should avoid it because it's too depressing; or shoudl read it in order to feel slightly better about our family life...

DD is very much an explosive child, but it's emotional and occasionally physical outbursts, with us being the target rather than animals or things. I can't remember her ever breaking something in a rage, though as she gets older being hit or elbowed or pinched by her isn't much fun