I'm finding it hard to cope with my older daughter's violence towards me.

[Lizzie48]

I'm really at the end of my strength with my DD1, because of the way she's lashing out when she's angry.

My 2 DDs are adopted so behavioural issues have more complex routes than for children brought up by their biological parents so please don't judge my DD1 (8) too harshly. She's been diagnosed with Attachment Disorder and with SPD so life has been challenging to say the least.

She's been violent towards me and my DD2 on and off the last few years and it gets worse when she's not in her usual routine, ie school. We've been waiting for her to have therapy for some time, and it's finally going to start in the New Year, thankfully.

We’ve had some really bad behaviour from her the last few days. She’s had massive meltdowns and yesterday, just before church, she launched herself at tme and punched me hard twice and would have gone on if I hadn’t pulled away. And she regularly throws things and hurts her little sister, though she’s less aggressive with her from what I can see.

It’s becoming more scary because she’s now 8 years old and is growing stronger all the time. And although she hasn’t yet really hurt her sister, it’s becoming more of a safety issue as she gets older.

She's so vulnerable at the same time. She so often throws at me, 'You only care about (DD2) not me.' That's because she has consequences for her behaviour, which DD2 doesn't have as she doesn't behave in the same way that DD1 does.

Any advice on strategies we could use to deal with her behaviour would be very much appreciated.

My DS was violent towards me, nearly two years ago, he was six. I used every strategy in the book, my DS has difficulties too, I ignored the behaviour ( didn’t work ! It made it worse), took on board Doctors advice and strategies. Nothing worked ! And believe me, I tried everything.

DS had a big explosion one day (out in public) and I had enough. When we got home, I didn’t allow him to watch TV, no games... it was dinner and then an early bedtime. It worked. It was like he transformed, since then, DS has not been violent since.

Like your DD, my DS has difficulties also and yes I’m very sympathetic, I know it’s difficult for him. But I can’t, I will not allow my own child to abuse me... no way. I’ve seen teenagers (15 +) beat up their own parents, it’s not a pretty sight. I do not it to come to a point when I can no longer have DS and I put him into a residential setting.

Outside of that, I worked on DS being able to handle big emotions, gave him an outlet, in regards to his sensory needs. Have you read the Out of sync child ? It’s a great book about sensory processing disorders and ways you can manage a child’s sensory needs.

With DS, I give him rules everytime we are about to leave the house... no shouting, no kicking, no bad words blah blah. The consequence was... he would receive a timeout... for physical violence this would result in ending our trip (going back home) and him having an early bedtime. It was hard but I preserved. This may not be a good tactic from some parents. But literally, I did not want to come to a point where I fear my own son, my safety and he’s well being.

This is really common in adopted children, I'd get some support from the Adoption agency that placed her with you .Also I'd be telling her that if she hits you again the you will be calling the Police and mean it.
I'd also be asking for some respite from Social Services, they can provide this if you say that her placement with you is at risk of breaking down.They wont want her coming into care permanently.
You shouldnt be on your own coping with this is there a support group for adoptive parents or anything like that where you live?

FB page called Therapeutic Patenting is useful. Lots of support there also.

Thank you for the help. I am on that Facebook page, Mummydoingherbest, and yes it has been helpful.