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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

How much / what /when to tell family

13 replies

topcat2014 · 25/12/2017 10:47

We are currently in Stage 1 - so 'early on'. Key friends know (as we asked them for references).

How much and when did you tell people about your plans?

Obvs later on one needs to be careful from a child protection perspective - but we are a long way off, with the child being hypothetical at this stage.

Many thanks / happy christmas!

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MummyDoingHerBest · 25/12/2017 14:04

We were very open about what was happening, we kind of had to be due to certain factors.

But, when it came to questions about the children and why they were with us, we simply say “Their birth/biological parents could not keep them safe”, and that’s all.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 25/12/2017 16:33

We are planning to tell DD(11) on boxing day - and then DParents later in the holiday.

Not sure about friends in general, however.

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Similarstories · 25/12/2017 19:20

I'd caution against telling dc on boxing day. If all goes through and a sibling does arrive, sibling squarrels could later be - you ruined that christmas for me, i never wanted to hear the news we were adopting, especially at christmas.
Find a more neutral day, even if you are sure dc will be delighted, much later in stage 2 if possible.

Allgrownup3 · 25/12/2017 19:41

Hi. You may have to tell your DD at the beginning of stage 2 as my daughter was interviewed quite early in stage two. The SW needs to know that your daughter is happy with you adopting. They also got a reference from my daughters school in stage one.

I told my children before we started the process so they knew that there was a possibility that it could go either way.

Be honest with them as it's a long journey.

Rainatnight · 25/12/2017 19:41

Yes, Boxing Day sounds like a potentially fraught day for that sort of news?

With regards to everyone else, at the stage you're at now, think of it as a bit like TTC. It might work, it might not, nothing is definite yet, so only tell people what you're comfortable with them knowing.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 25/12/2017 21:17

DD is 11, so I think there is a bit of scope for gentle explaining.

We (ie DW, DD and I) are away together with no other relatives for a couple more days - so actually quite an unstressy time.

I need to tell DParents later this holiday, and of course DD is likely to tell them.

The SW will need to speak to DD in due course.

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bostonkremekrazy · 25/12/2017 22:21

Gentle explaining yes.
boxing day no.
while away from the safety net of your own home no.
while still in stage 1 no.

i'd wait as long as possible to tell parents, DD and everyone else.... its big news for you, but it will become wearing - when is your new child coming, how long now etc....it will be the longest 'pregnancy' in the world - if you are approved, if you aren't then you have to explain that heartbreak.....
do yourself a favour and wait if you can.

Rainatnight · 25/12/2017 22:47

Why do you need to tell your parents this holiday, out of interest?

Original poster

topcat2014 · 26/12/2017 10:13

@Rain - we have training courses booked at the end of Jan, and will need DM to take/collect DD to school. They are not particularly local.

If DM is not available we need time to arrange something else

Or else we need to invent some cover story - which feels wrong.

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Original poster

topcat2014 · 26/12/2017 10:13

@boston - thanks.

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bostonkremekrazy · 26/12/2017 15:33

if its childcare then i'd ask other school mums to help, they and your DD do not need to know why.
you may also find that once the trainers know you have a LO, they do a shorter lunch and finish at 3 so you can all get off, ours did!

we asked PIL to babysit and waffled about an appointment - without saying what it was for - our family found out about 3rd adoption the month before, and our 4th about a week after baby arrived!
the 1st &2nd who arrived together we told from the beginning and it was just too long a wait for them.......

while SW will want to talk to your child, and ask school for a reference, I really would leave it as long as possible if i were you, float the idea, but dont say yes we are going for it, its a long yukky process for adults never mind the kiddies involved. shield dd as hard as you can for as long as you can, adoption is not all roses sadly.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 27/12/2017 20:08

Thanks again - MN is helping, I must say.

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UnderTheNameOfSanders · 27/12/2017 20:48

We only told immediate family whilst going through approval, so parents and siblings. And a couple of very close friends.
The only work people who knew were those that needed to know for references or time off reasons.

We didn't tell wider family until matched. We didn't want to deal with all the 'why is it taking so long' and other questions.

I told my manager and one co worker when we were first linked with our DDs so we could work on transferring work on the quiet, and the rest of the team the day after matching panel.

It might take a year from approval to finding a match (took us 15months). That is a long time for all and sundry to know. Who would you tell if trying to conceive?

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