being 'blamed' as I was adopted

[happygolulu]

I was with my DP for 5 years and we broke up recently. My adoptive mother died 4 years ago following a short but agressive battle cancer during which I nursed her at home. After she died I had to care for my father with Parkinsons. I confided in my DP that I am adopted but asked him not to tell anyone as I prefer to keep it private. However, he told his mother, my would be MIL. About a year after losing my mum, I was suffering exhaustion and had a series of rows with my DP. I said I needed more help around the house and looking after dad. DP liked a drink and was partial to a bit of cocaine and could be quite lazy on the weekends. Anyway, MIL got involved and started to tell me I might need specialist counselling down to the fact that I was adopted. I told her I had no issues with being adopted just grieving and exhausted. I was pretty made DP has told his mother I am adopted when I asked him to keep it private. Anyhow for 2 or 3 years MIL went on and on at me about being adopted and made me feel paranoid. I loved my adoptive mother and we had a beautiful chat on her death bed about how proud she was of me, my children and there we no issues between us upon her death. What was going on though is that I was keeping my partners use of cocaine secret from his mother, whilst they dissected me and how I coped in the aftermath of parents illnesses and raising my DC. Anyhow, after a big row with DP about his drinking and use of cocaine, I came clean and told his mother that is what many of our rows were about, and how lazy he could be when I needed help. Well the relationship has now ended as a result of his bad habits and the effect it has had on us but I can't help but feel truly agrieved to have had the adoption badge hurled at me for the last 3/4 years. It turned out MIL had SIL who was adopted and she had serious mental health issues as a result of being left by her family who emigrated, but I am so bitter at what I had thrown at me. Just trying to get my head around it all.

I’m sorry that happened to you. Sounds like MIL thinks her son can do no wrong and was seeking to blame you. If it hadn’t been that you were adopted they would have thrown any information you were private / sensitive to. Maybe they would have accused you of being too career focused, or not career-focused enough, or some who likes socialising too much, or who doesn’t go out much, does too much or too little for others. Blaming you for being adopted is easy for them as it’s something you can’t change about yourself. You being adopted didn’t force cocaine up your partners nose now did it? Whatever they said wasn’t about you. It was about them projecting their own failings onto you.

I’m sorry you relationship has broken up. It’s never s good time, but just before Christmas is especially hard. I hope you can find a little peace and comfort from others close to you.

lulu it sounds like there are absolutely no issues for you with adoption but rather an ex partner who could not respect your wishes to keep your private life, private and his use of drugs and his being lazy.

So although it may always be hard when relationships break up, it sounds like a relief for you.

Your ex MIL obviously had her own issues and was projecting these onto you.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Stay strong, you sound like an amazing woman and a credit to your mum and dad.

I am so sorry you went through that!

I am an adoptee and I tend to choose my audience too, ie only tell a few people about it, because people may have pre conceived notions and many people will typecast.

I think that if there is anything at all you want to take from what happened to help yourself then do but otherwise aim to completely forget about it. I used to get unhelpful comments about a different subject and I learned to ignore ignore ignore and learning to do that generally does help. It isn't surprising that you are taken aback if this is the first time you have come across it, though, and it must be very hurtful that the person you trusted has let you down.

In terms of forgetting and moving on, if you know people who are emotionally intelligent, open minded, you could talk about it with them (and even laugh about it) with them to get it off your chest.

Alternatively, writing down exactly what DH and MIL said and when and how you felt about it and then reading it back to yourself is another technique for helping your mind process it and move on and forget about it.