Adoption following failed fertility treatment

[user1497036202]

Hi all I am at a cross roads in deciding whether to ditch more fertility treatment or to go down the path of adoption. We have had three failed ivf cycles and currently have one further free cycle we can use on the nhs. Physically I have found the treatment ok but emotionally I have really struggled and am feeling like I don't want to do it again but because we have a free cycle left we are now in debate about it all. Neither of us are getting any younger - we are both 36. I have always been keen on adoption and have had experiences in my family where it has proved to be fantastic. I just am not sure how you make the final decision on the best route? I had always thought I would experience pregnancy and it makes me quite sad that I won't but at the same time I feel like with the adoption process being lengthy we should start now so that we know we will get our little family that we do desperately want. The fear is that if we do another ivf cycle and it fails we then have 6 months to wait until can start the adoption process due to their guidelines. It doesn't sound long but with us having been trying to start a family for 3 years we now feel impatient and need to decide what is best for us as a couple. Any advice? X

Hi there, I’m slightly further through the process than you and we stopped ttc for emotional reasons rather than physical which I never thought I’d do. Our situation is different as I struggled with recurrent pregnancy loss. Just to explain how we came to the decision to stop; we started to look into adoption after mc number 5 and it gradually became my preferred option. At the same time I wanted to know we’d ticked all the boxes as I wanted us to give adoption our all and not have later thoughts of it being the ‘runner up prize’ we had no causes or patterns found to our losses. We saw our consultant who offfered some empirical treatment plans to try. There were three so I wanted to try all three. I then turned out to be unexpectedly pregnant which turned out to be ectopic so didn’t get chance to try the meds. Pregnancy number 7 was horrible. I instantly regretted the decision as soon as I was pregnant (I’d imagine that sounds strange to someone yearning to pregnant) I was beyond anxious, injecting myself daily, taking steroids and using hormone suppositories. That evening I told my husband if it didn’t work out there was absolutely no way I’d ever get pregnant again. The emotional toll was too great. With RPL you get weekly reassurance scans. With each healthy one the stakes seemed higher and higher...we’d just started to think we might actually have a baby when we went back for a fourth scan and sadly baby’s heart had stopped beating two days before. My initial emotion was sheer relief. I was really ashamed of that reaction at the time. Now it totally makes sense given our history. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my gut told me when it was time to stop. We’ve felt immense sadness at the fact I haven’t been able to carry a successful pregnancy but am completely sure we’ve made the right choice to stop pursuing having a birth child. I feel like a bit of a ‘quitter’ at times...a friend has just had a baby after 12 years of fertility treatment and pregnancy losses. When I have those thoughts I imagine ttc for another 9 years and I think ‘no way’. we’ve only been trying 3 years (I’m also 36) to me that seems relatively short in fertility terms but blimey it’s been intense. We all look at things differently and everyone has their limits. It’s a really individual choice. For DH it’s been a more gradual awakening. He was still optimistic in pregnancy 7 and wasn’t willing to think about adoption until we knew for certain we’d either exhausted all possibilities or when I pulled the plug and said it was too much. It feels strange as I never thought I’d stop ttc, we’ve been told we still have a good chance of successful pregnancy but our hearts and minds couldn’t take any more pregnancy losses.

We have only just submitted the form to request our social work visit to see if they’ll even accept our application so who knows what the future holds. For now I feel content with our decision. There is still a pang of sadness when friends give birth (one did last week and one due next week...same due date as my last pregnancy so that one is a bit of a struggle) but I know I’ve made the right choice for us.

I hope this stream of consciousness and hearing my experiences and thought process has helped you think about your options. I know it was the easiest AND hardest decision we’ve ever made all at the same time.

Thank you so much for replying - i can relate to so much you have said. We got pregnant with our first ivf treatment but I miscarried at 11 weeks. I think since then I have not been as positive about treatment as I perhaps should be.

I really do feel like a quitter though - I talk to friends and they do t understand why I wouldn't keep on going until we get what we want but knowing that on average it takes people 6 ivf cycles to achieve a successful pregnancy I just know I couldn't handle doing that much. I d wonder if we should be doing more but the other thing I worry about is the affect it all has on your relationship. We have had a real tough time and whilst my hubby is amazing our relationship is definitely not one of your typical newlyweds!

With adoption I guess if I am honest right now I do see it as second best but not in an awful way - just in the way that it's not the route I would have ideally chosen so I know I have some work to do in mindset. I just feel like pushing through more treatment isn't out answer.

I Knew I was ready when I stopped having sex in the fertile part of my cycle so that I would have no problem accepting my period when it came along. I'd found the hope each month difficult and was glad to be certain I wasn't pregnant rather than have any hope.
It took 8 years to get there!
I think if you're still in that hopeful phase where, even if you're not in an assisted cycle, you're making sure you have a shot at pregnancy, you might need a bit more time

I’m not sure how it feels in relation to fertility treatment but with RPL there’s this really strong narrative that everyone who keeps trying gets their miracle baby. Most really do, 70-75% of people with recurrent pregnancy loss will eventually get there. I think that’s why we pushed on for so long. I know people I met online and irl (in my own family no less! It had just never been spoken about) who’ve lost 10+ pregnancies and gone on to have a healthy baby. I think that’s why it took a while for it to even occur to me that stopping ttc was even an option. When the penny dropped that we didn’t have to keep trying to roll a 6 it felt like a huge weight being lifted.

No one posts pictures on fb of the negative tests or the money ploughed into unsuccessful treatment, the scan pics where you found out your baby died. You don’t see a smiling celeb on the front of a glossy magazine to announce they’ve stopped trying. You only see a carefully curated feed of people’s miracle babies and happy pregnancy pics. The rest of us don’t tend to make any big announcements when we decide to pursue adoption so I think this creates a perception bias that we all deserve and will earn the right to a successful happy pregnancy and it’s a bit of a shock to the system when you realise it might not happen. I think the two strongest feelings I’ve had through this whole process have been shame and disbelief. When I started lurking on adoption boards it felt like I’d unlocked a whole world of other people who slipped away from ttc with no big fan fare...and they were able to still be parents, just in a different way.

We (and I am the DH) have quietly moved to adoption. We have one BC but no luck in another. The thing is, after a while (say a few months) to get used to the idea you don't think of adoption as some kind of 'runner up'.

Yes, it is different to the 'norm' but I feel positive about the whole thing, and do not think 'consolation prize' in any way.

It does take a while, though, for your thinking to come round to that.

Exactly! I agree Topcat. I’m super excited about the idea and terrified we won’t be accepted. Now the idea of us having a pregnancy and newborn just feels alien and it doesn’t really enter my head any more. The pangs or sadness I get when other people have a baby or announce a pregnancy has moved from an overwhelming sense of rage, jealousy and injustice that could ruin my whole day to just a vague wistful sadness that i can’t quite put my finger on. I’m already getting pissed off with well meaning people saying things like ‘some I know adopted and they were pregnant within a year’ that used to comfort me, now it infuriates me...our children wont be like a piece of toast to keep you going before you have a proper dinner?! We got a dog for that! I think even that shift in attitude made me realise that I wasn’t as ready to adopt as I used to think x

*i mean I wasn’t ready at the time...I think I was looking for a short cut through my grief rather that adoption being my preferred way to have children like it is now

Thanks guys this is all so great to hear and really helps - I am definitely on my way to accepting we don't need to ttc and that adoption is for us. It makes us both excited when we talk about it and whilst we know it will be very hard we both feel like we are 90% ready so just need to decide what next steps are. Would you advise reading anything/any forums? X

You can sign up to adoption uk or just read through the forums on there. The thing I bear in mind is that a lot of people go on there for support when they’re struggling so it can seem daunting.

I’m reading a lovely book called ‘how I met my son’ by Rosalind Powell at the moment. It feels like quite a gentle introduction compared to the other books I’ve read. I’ve also got and skimmed through (and meaning to read thoroughly so it’s my NY resolution to do so) Dan Hughes ‘building the bonds of attachment’ the unofficial adoption guide by Sally Donovan and a book on preparing for adoption from BAAF.

Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos is another more gentle intro to adoption. It's American so obviously a different system to here in the UK but she talks in depth about their struggles ttc and how they got to the point of deciding adoption was for them. I enjoyed it and it's quite an upbeat and funny read.

Thanks so much guys - I will take a look at those books - would be good to start reading. My hubby and I had some really good conversation last night around we think this is the best route for us - so we are hoping to make it happen x

Can I ask how you chose the adoption agency you are working with? There seem to be a lot in the area so wasn't sure how you decide? X

We went with our local authority who are part of a regional consortium. There are pros and cons of local authority adoption teams and of voluntary agencies.

From what I understand of it VAs don’t have their own ‘pool’ of children to place. They are usually asked to find homes for ‘harder to place’ children. Sibling groups, older children and ones which complex needs. They also tend to offer ongoing support and therapeutic input. Local authorities tend to place children they have placed in foster care and the courts have agreed there are no plans to return them to their birth family. So they have a ‘pool’ of children to place. Hope that makes sense

Thanks iggy - yes had a call with Barnardos today and was really informative. Not sure that's the route we want to take but sucking up all the information!

I hope you are well? X

user1497036202 I hope you find the answers you are looking for.

I agree with Frozengeranium. You will know when you are ready to stop.

For the record I do n't regret anything about ds, the fact I did not carry him or Gove birth means nothing. Only that for him there is an extra bit of story and sadness which I wish he didn't have. Now he I'd here he is my son, not second best and the thought of being pregnant now would fill me with horror! But it is such a personal thing.

We had over six years of various assisted cycles and then Sox months wait and then within two years ds was home with us.

In your shoes OP I would take the free cycje and then see where you are. Six months is a very short time.

Iggyflop I am so sorry for all you have been through. it totally sounds like you made the right choice for you.

"I’m not sure how it feels in relation to fertility treatment but with RPL there’s this really strong narrative that everyone who keeps trying gets their miracle baby"

I don't think it is the same. Maybe for some with unlimited funds if they keep trying but it is quite soul destroying (as I imagine repeated loss is too).

People seeem to cope with what they have! I would have found repeated loss harder (only one spontaneous pregnancy and missed miscarriage).

But with assisted fertility treatment the times scale (especially with donor eggs) and costs just go up and up. Our two fresh donor cycles cost as much as four regular ones (I think )and, with a final frozen cycle, lasted about 4 years from start to finish.

Adoption took less than two years and cost us the price of our medicals.

But I don't regret any if it. It was all part of the journey.

OP you don't need to say about your marriage but is your dh/dp finding fertility treatment very hard? I know it is something you do as a couple but do think about what you want as well.

My hubby is definitely over the fertility treatment - he doesn't want to do it again and has said this to me. I am not surprised - emotionally we have found it difficult since the miscarriage. It was like we were given joy and then had it taken away from us so was a hard time. We have talked a lot about it and I think we are 95% we are going to go ahead with adoption and are done with the treatment. Whilst we have the feee cycle our hearts just aren't in it and I feel like that is a big part of the treatment - without the positivity it is a lot harder x

I hope things work out well OP.

I went through one failed cycle of IVF. The decision was easy for me as after a very traumatic egg collection the surgeon found only one egg to show for it and that egg was immature. I was then told that the chances of me ever producing a healthy baby was only 5% with IVF and we were only permitted one cycle on the NHS so we knew we wouldn't be going through it all again.

We then applied to adopt and we now have 2 adopted DDs aged 8 and 5, birth sisters who we adopted separately, both at age 1.

The thing you will find is that the interviewing social worker will want to know that you've come to terms with not having your own child, and that adoption isn't a second prize, as a PP has said.

I knew I was ready to apply when my DSis told me that she was pregnant and I felt no sadness for myself and just happiness for her. (Unlike in the past where my SIL was concerned, she kept getting pregnant while I couldn't conceive at all and that had always hurt so much!)

Good luck, it's a tough process but we wouldn't be within our DDs for the work now.

Thanks Lizzie - it sounds like all has worked out for you well. I would say we are 95% there on the adoption front and knowing this is the best route for us. Hopefully next year will be a good year x

That's great, do keep us posted on here, and let us know how it's going. You can PM me as well if you'd like to chat further.

Flipping predictive text! I meant to write 'world' not 'work' lol!!

Hi there, hope you’ve had a lovely Christmas (if you celebrate) I’m okay thanks for asking, I’ve got the collywobbles a little today as we have our initial visit booked to discuss adoption in a couple of weeks. I’ve been in a whirlwind of prepping for Christmas, a noisy few days with excited nephews and now the dust has settled and I’m quietly reading at my parents house a little voice keeps popping into my head saying ‘what if they turn us down?’ and making my stomach churn.

Italian, thanks for your kind thoughts. I think like you say it’s a lot more normalised for people with fertility issues to explore adoption. With RPL it seems to be like admitting defeat which feels very wrong to me. The thought of being pregnant honestly fills me with dread now. I’m sorry you’ve both experienced miscarriage too OP and Italiangreyhound. It really does rob future pregnancies/thoughts of pregnancy of any naive feelings of joy or excitement when you remove the assumption that there’ll be a baby at the end.

If we’re lucky enough to be accepted OP it would be lovely to have someone to buddy up with and compare notes xx

user1497036202 have you read the adoption or IVF thread on here. Loads of good input on why trying for a birth child is not to dismissed too lightly, really worth reading.

Thanks Italiangreyhound I will take a look! X