Wow, thank you so much for replying.
italian DP himself agrees that he is sometimes 'the problem' and that he knows I'm not getting at his daughter when I raise concerns. Which is progress - he used to be v defensive, bless him. I advocate for her in fact if he's a little unfair, which they've both welcomed.
Those of you that said this is normal teenage behaviour, I kind of agree - we've lived full time together for 5 years - but last night DH was non communicative with me but v communicative with DSD, we hadn't discussed the meeting for today, hence me asking him to chat as we went to bed. I've been off work sick with heavy cold last 2 days too, consequently not sleeping properly, 25 people coming to ours for Xmas dinner too [santa]! plus a bit of building work before then - so all a bit heightened for me yesterday. DH does get tired and less talky this time of year needing the Xmas break.
just happy The meeting was good, we're comfortable with our social workers. I did raise concerns over the united front, we talked about it lovingly and with respect. DH admitted that he had done things his own way in the past and would need to adapt in terms of the adopted children and in terms of our whole household so DSD is v much integral to our future family. It's not just a DSD thing, we talked about him sidelining me once in the past over an issue with his mum, and he admitted today that he's not always 'gotten it'. We both agreed that over the years we've gotten better at listening and will need to keep improving.
Re: it being pointed out that she's not a baby anymore, yes - DSD herself points this out, I never raise it with her, she tends to raise it with either or both of us, sometimes saying how much more responsible her friends are compared to her. In other ways though esp as an only child she's much more responsible than her friends. I can see DH making progress and starting to let go of babying her, but being there for her age appropriately - so I don't give him a hard time. He's come a long way he previously refused to allow DSD to do little jobs to earn money (which she's asked to do) like tidying the car or simply an errand such as go to the shop, in case she gets kidnapped. Or refused to let her do her own washing at 17 because she might fall down the stairs to the utility room!
She's now gone from never having gone to the shops alone (at 16) to getting a p/t job recently, flown by herself for the first time this year to Greece (!) met at the other end by family. And college has been a huge turning point for her with parties, boys, new friends - all (relatively) more normal now. So I think it's fair to say my DH (and me actually) have stopped catastrophising - if we ever were.
love no offense taken - as I say we've worked hard to have a close strong family life and we are very fortunate to make it work, DSD is close to us both, clearly she shares things with dad and not me, and with me and not her dad, as well as talks with her mum. Interestingly, I told SS and DH that on reflection I needed to manage my own expectations, so interesting you guys picked that up.
Been lurking on the stepparenting thread for a while :-)
jelly Do you have stepchildren at home? My friends who are both parents and stepparents often find the parenting role far easier, no matter how much on the same page the adults are. It's not only mum and dad's role to decide teachable moments, especially when DSD wasn't raised by mum and has a tricky relationship with her. Her parents didn't marry or live together with her - we do and I'm not going to ignore concerns in our home. E.g. some time ago she unusually made a threatening comment towards me, I spoke with her told I didn't appreciate that, she apologised, I asked what was going on for her, we chatted it through and that was it - normal parenting in my view. Brought my DH up to speed, neither of us raised it with her mum, sorted. So I disagree it's only for mum and dad to do the raising in our home 
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Agree it's important to look at our own parenting, which we both do. To be honest outside of DSD I've more experience with children than my DH, I've worked with children and young people professionally and voluntarily for many years with more little ones in my family than there are on DH's side. I'd say parent friends of ours are far stricter than us.
We've always worked on our relationship, and had good friends to rely on, have date nights etc. Interestingly today DH told SS that a lightbulb had come on for him in terms of therapeutic parenting. We do love each other enough to do the hard work and if I notice a communication or emotional problem I'll always raise it, because we're keen on learning for the best interests of the children and we do make good progress.
completely agree with your comments. I respect the parents but also did the school runs, school plays, arrange work experience, do the holidays (taking her friends usually), host the sleepovers and parties, doctor runs, overseeing homework, teaching about cooking, playing, dealing with hygiene, pubity, nightmares, hugging, reassuring and listening. Like it or not that's not part of parenting and raising a child.
DSD's mum has had relationships, some serious incl almost marriage, in the past and is besotted with a new interest, so yes DSD has spoken about potential changes coming up on her mum's side too. So we're mindful of those development too.
Thanks all for your comments.