Early days and can’t shake the feeling I’ve made a mistake

[BewilderedBeaver]

My husband is happy, BD is happy, AD is settling well but I just can’t seem to switch off this anxious nagging doubt that I’ve made a mistake. Please tell me others felt the same and it got better...please 😢

Jellycat - i normally totally agree with what you're saying and i definitely don't want to be argumentative.
Just to say that anxiety for me stopped me being able to feel properly. On antids i can feel highs and lows and feel like me - not the crushing miserable paralysis of struggle. If OP is feeling that then i wanted to reassure her it can help.

Mine are nearly 9 and 2 and a half. It does get easier that much quicker as they turn into toddlers. It also gets easier when you get out and about. I enjoyed playgroups, music groups etc much more the 2nd time round. Remember you can dip in for half an hour to see how she copes when you feel she's ready for it. Have you got out much in this weather or is cabin fever part of the problem?

Sounds like me a few months ago. It's the life changing upheaval not the lovely new addition. You get used to it and accept this is your life. I wouldn't have it any other way. Completely in love with DD. Good luck.

@BewilderedBeaver I have the same ages here. It's the dramatic difference between semi self sufficient and completely dependant. It's a shock to the system.

I honestly didn't mean any offence JustHappy, I do think medication can make a huge difference for folk with mental health issues, I guess I was more thinking that 2 weeks in is probably too soon to start thinking about PAD rather than having a really normal emotional reaction.

I'm really glad medication made a difference for you

I found sw involvement a double edged sword. On the one hand a huge comforting hand hold, on the other the phoning every day, visiting loads just got in the way; once this reduced/stopped and you are able to get on with things as you want, you can relax more too as life becomes your own again. I would definitely speak to the doc however about PAD.

I really struggled for the first year. I felt numb, emotionally shut down. I found my lovely dd vaguely irritating and resented the time she demanded. I was so self-absorbed and low I just thought about myself all the time. When I look back at photos now, 7 years later, I see her anxious little face and could cry with guilt.

There, now I've told you what a monster I was, do you feel a bit better about yourself? The early days are very, very, very hard. Nobody here can tell you you haven't made a mistake, but we can reassure you that finding it hard does not = it shouldn't have happened.

Be kind to yourself. The love and the fun will come.

I read your title and it reminded me of this article, from a woman who experienced Post Adoption Depression. I hope it might help to know that to feel like this is common and other parents feel the same.

www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/when-adopted-three-children-thought-14008241

Just wanted to update, for anyone currently going through the same. Over the last week things have improved hugely. Today we are enjoying a lovely family Christmas together. The children are currently playing together happily and I am grabbing five mins peace while DH finishes dinner. Our new normal is emerging and the horrible feelings of dread and panic are getting less and less intense and frequent. If oh are in that right now I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that it does end and you will remember why you wanted this and begin to enjoy it in time xx

Really pleased to hear things are settling down.

Really pleased things are improving. It will be up and down for a while yet but I found that once things had started to improve it was a generally positive trend

I remember, clear as a bell, that I couldn't wait to drive them home so they could see their new bedrooms (intros took place over 10 days about 100 miles from where we lived).

Literally, as soon as I walked in the front door, my attitude changed and it felt like they were two little intruders who just didn't belong in my house and who I couldn't wait to see the back of. I wanted my life with DH back, just the two of us.

I felt awful.

That feeling took a long time to go, but go it did.

Be gentle with yourself. Nothing is 'normal' anymore, including how you feel. So, don't think these feeling aren't normal, IYSWIM.

Lovely update. Well done to you all xxx

Ah lovely.

Hi bewildered, glad to hear things are improving, like you I'm very much in the early days too, my little one moved in 5 weeks ago, I have good days, bad days and blinking horrible why can't I stop crying days!
My little one is now consistently calling me mama which is the most heartwarming word to hear from her little voice!
Keep at it and know it's a marathon not. sprint

A year on, we're in a completely different place to our first Christmas last year. The first few weeks after placement, I was fighting a very physical revulsion at being given someone else's baby, who smelled wrong, looked ugly, etc. Now, my baby smells beautiful, and is the cutest ever. But people asking about 'such a magical time' and 'how happy you all must be!' and telling me how cute he was really hard. Mine didn't call me mama for ages, and when they did, that made a big difference.

I also have a BC, though, and felt not dissimilar when the hospital gave us an alien to bring home. It was a few weeks before BC suddenly looked beautiful and lovely, and not just an horrific responsibility.

Christmas this year has been wonderful.

Glad things are going better.

I shouldn't have read this thread!

I am at very early stages and posted on here already about doubts etc. going on prep course 17th Jan.

Am 48 and single. Always wanted children but never happened. Have concerns anyway about practically whether I would ever be able to do it (need to work full time, so would need to be child at, hopefully, just about to start school age) but also having general doubts too.

Never dreamt I wouldn't be a mum (and I hate being surrounded by all my married friends with children) but have been questioning whether I really want to do this. even though it is very lonely, have I become too accustomed to my single life where I come and go as I please, spend money freely etc etc. What if I regret it?

Reading this hasn't done me any favours, am even more doubtful now. although glad to see the positive messages too

I think it depends on the questions you have - early days are very hard going and I think this thread very much reflects that however if you were to ask whether folk have regrets, despite the hard bits, I think most people here would do it all again.

It's still early days for me and while I still have "wtf have I done" moments, I wouldn't be without the kids either. I'm an older adopter too, I'm 46 and had a lifetime of doing my own thing. I very much miss the freedom I had and that's a huge adjustment to make but I also love the way my house feels with kids in it, all homely and warm, I love little cuddles and building relationships with my two. And I'll get time to myself again at some point, I won't get this time with these two back.

Ah thanks so much for replying Jelly.

I was thinking that, I wonder what the answers would be if you asked the question 'does anyone regret it?'

I guess the first few weeks/months of having a birth child are probably really hard too, maybe people have those same doubts then?

Do you mind me asking what age your children are and also, do you work?

Thanks again

My two are 4 and 6, I work full time but am on adoption leave at the moment - I'm also half way through a Masters so using adoption leave for my dissertation prep.

I do plan to go back to work but will rerurn part time in my current job, I also run a private therapy practice from home and have recently started seeing clients again and it's going well.

So between private practice and my day job I'll have near enough full time hours but half of that will be pretty flexible because I'll work from home at times that suit me.

Blimey you sound like wonder woman! Well done you

My main practical concern is work but you have given me encouragement that I can find a way

Thanks for replying and I wish you all the best

Morley19 I'm a mum to a birth dd aged 13 and a son by adoption aged 7. I never regret eitherr of my kids in reality but on very stressful moments early on I DoD wonder if we did the right thing adopting (we did). And of I am honest my birth dd can make me feel very sad as I see her struggling with 'teenage issues', mental health issues and possibly being on the autistic spectrum. There are times I have briefly regretted becoming a mum!

If you are not sure about adoption and you really want a child have you considered egg donation, or embryo donation IVF?

Have you considered becoming a foster parent to school aged kids?

Just ideas. Do you have your own thread on here to explore these ideas?

I love my kids to bits. I don't want to be without them, but it is not easy.

Hi Italian

Thanks for your reply.

Yes I have got horrendous experiences with IVF/donor eggs etc.

I don't think fostering is for me, both emotionally and practically.

Thanks for you honest reply. I am going to go on the 3 day prep course and see how I feel then

Morley19 why not start your own thread and discuss your feelings.

To be honest I never had any doubts. Problems began with dd at 6. We had glimmers that all was not completely normal before that. We found out at 8 she was dyslexic and behaviour improved. Adopted when she was 9.

By contrast out son is NT and not dyslexic. Although he is very emotional at times he is very 'normal' and rarely for us (normally adopted children do come with more issues) it is birth child who is more 'trouble'

Morley, it was always my intention to go back to work and that very much informed our matching considerations. Of course I'd be prepared to stay home longer, work flexibly etc if needed but I knew I wasn't build to be a full time stay at home mum. We adopted slightly older children where medical/social information was known and while they both have their challenges, they cope well with school and by the time I'm due back at work we'll have appropriate childcare in place.

It's full on but my work identity is important to me and I need somewhere to exercise that part of me.